Page 28 of Got to be You

Anna grins at me. She’s beaming with excitement. I know she might be on top of the world here. Being in Adam’s presence has her thrilled. She’s glowing. This is good for her, whereas I feel pale and sickly, like this whole experience is sucking the life out of me and leaving me with nothing. I just want to run.

“Do you want another drink?” she asks me while clinging onto my arm and bouncing up and down like a freaking puppy dog. “I think we should go and get a drink, don’t you? Like, right now.”

She grabs me and drags me with her, giving me no choice. I probably wouldn’t disagree with her anyway because I don’t know what I want to do. I feel all out of place in this building. Without Anna, I have no anchor. So, I go with her dutifully until we’re at the bar and she leans against it excitedly.

“Oh, my God, Lilly. You willneverguess what just happened to me. Adam asked me on a date.”

Oh, no. My heart sinks. This is terrible news, the worst, really. After all of her promises she made to herself and me, I can practically see her falling back into the same trap over and over again. We said that this would be closure, finally saying goodbye to the past, but here we are, swimming in what we should have left behind. Just the knowledge that Jax might be in the same building has me on edge. I don’t like this feeling at all. It’s crushing me, killing me. I really should just get out of here already.

“Don’t panic.” Anna laughs. “I said no, of course. But it felt so good to say no. It was awesome. I feel like I just took back all of the power. God, I could take on a fucking mountain right now.”

She orders drinks rapidly and turns back to me looking like someone who is shining like a fucking star. I find myself surprisingly proud of her. Maybe this has worked out for her, after all. That gives me hope.

“Well, that’s good news.” I squeeze her hand reassuringly. “Do you feel like a weight has been lifted?”

“Oh, definitely. It was really great just to finally say no to all of that. It makes me feel like I can do anything, even tell my boss that he’s an asshole. Because that man really needs to hear it.”

Before I can ask her more about what she means with regard to her boss, because that is a safe topic for us, something that we have talked about a lot, but it seems like she isn’t done with putting Adam in his place yet. She heads back over to him and the rest of the group, so of course, I follow. What else can I do?

“Guys, guess what?” Oh, my God, now it’s Adam’s turn to be overexcited. For a split second, I wonder how a man who has just had his heart broken can look so happy… unless Anna wasn’t being exactly truthful with everything that she said about him and she did agree to go out with him after all… “I just got the promise that we can go backstage to see him. Isn’t that insane? I haven’t ever done anything like that before. We’re going where no fan has ever been before. Isn’t this so awesome? I can’t wait.”

My instinctive reaction is to run away from this whole mess because I might have come here for closure, but I didn’t come here to face Jax right up close. I can’t do it, I won’t.

“Come on,” Anna insists as she grabs my hand. “This will be good for you. Get closure. Like I did.”

Doesn’t she understand that I’m not going to get the same reaction as she did from Jax? Jax isn’t going to be hunting for me, wanting to ask me out again. Sure, I might have said once upon a time that our paths might cross once more, but that was just a fantasy. Now I know he’s probably with a different woman every night and he isn’t going to want to come back to me. Why would he want to give everything up for me? I sent him away a long time ago to go and live his dream, and that’s what he’s doing.

I’m swept along by everyone else. I can’t seem to make mynoheard however much I want to. The panic is all-consuming and I can’t think straight enough to deal with any of it. I just follow along with the crowd until I end up backstage, exactly where I don’t want to be. I can hardly catch my breath, especially when there is an epic mania around us. So many people, so much chaos, it’s hard to even think. I’ve spent a lot of time backstage when there is a theater production going on, and that’s bad enough, but nothing compared to this. This is absolutely insane.I can’t imagine Jax liking it at all. At least, the Jax I spent a lot of time with. He was always one who needed calm to create, needed his own space.

But I have to keep reminding myself that he isn’t that person anymore. He’s an LA rock star. The life that he has been living is bound to have changed him. He can’t possibly be the same man. Especially if this is the sort of environment that he’s in all the time. So loud, so intense, just so much. It’s overwhelming.

“Adam, where the hell are we supposed to be going?” Anna yells over the sound. “Do you even know?”

“This way. Just keep on going in this direction. Trust me. I know what I’m doing.”

Adam reaches back and grabs Anna’s hand in the same way that she reaches out for me, but I can’t seem to stop the pang of jealousy that comes for me. They have an ease between them that has survived the last three years, that has overcome even her rejecting him a moment before. I don’t know how that even happens, much less how Jax and I could even dream of it. I mean, that isn’t ever going to happen, is it? We’re definitely going to find it awkward. Oh, God, I wish I could run…

“Harry… look,” Anna declares excitedly. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe it’s him.”

She’s star struck, and I probably would be as well if I didn’t spend most of my life trying to avoid anything to do with Jax’s band. But looking at him now, he just looks like a nice and normal guy. Well, maybe one with a bit of a chip on his shoulder, but what else can be expected of someone like him?

“I wonder if we will get to see Spike as well,” Anna hisses, clearly not bothered by the fact that I’m not answering her. “Because he’shot. I might get Jax to introduce me to him.”

I think I might be about to hyperventilate. Jax is getting closer and closer to me, I can practically feel it. I’m tingling all over and I know with absolute certainty that I can’t handle this. I’m not going to be able to take it. Seeing Jax is going to absolutely crush me, and I wish I hadn’t come this far because there is no going back now. I grip onto my friend as I try to catch my breath, but she’s too busy hunting out Spike, too busy being excited about everything to even notice what’s going on with me.

“This is it,” Adam finally calls backward to us. “I’ve found his dressing room. Here we go.”

Oh, God, the air is stuck within me. I definitely can’t breathe. I might faint if I’m not careful. I don’t want to go in that room. I’m not ready to face this just yet, to facehim. My heart hasn’t healed yet, and I’m worried that he’ll instantly see that the moment he spots me. He’ll know I’m the tragic girl who hasn’t yet gotten over him, and it’ll make him feel sorry for me. I don’t want his sympathy. That might actually kill me. If he gives me that sorrowful look that reminds me it doesn’t matter how far I’ve come in life and in my career, that I’ll always cling to him and what we shared in the past.

“Adam!” I hear his voice, his smooth voice, and my heart skips about ten beats. I actually go fucking weak at the knees. This is hell. “You came.” He’s so upbeat. Does he know I’m here? “Good to see you, buddy. Thank you so much for coming out to see the show tonight. That’s awesome… oh, and Anna as well. Is this thing still going on? Wow, you guys, that is a long ass time.”

As they explain in too much detail that they aren’t dating and Jax talks to everyone else who has joined us, I hang around at the back of the crowd kinda hoping that he doesn’t see me. If I can get away without Jax’s eyes upon me, then maybe this day will end up okay, after all. I can just do the gig and forget about him… but before I can get too sucked into that fantasy, a hand grabs onto my arm and yanks me into the room. I want to kill whoever has put me in the spotlight because surely, everyone knows how challenging this will be for the pair of us, but I suppose it’s too late for any murders now.

“Jax,” I say shyly as my eyes meet his. His face falters, he looks sad, but then he plants the smile right across his face once more as if I’m just another friend from college who has come to see him.

“Hey, Lilly. How cool to have you here as well. Are you looking forward to the show?”

I nod silently because I don’t know what else to say. There are a million things that I should be saying here now, three years’ worth of stuff to get out, but this isn’t the time or place. Thankfully, everyone else has loads to get off their chest so they fill the silence on my behalf.

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