Page 29 of Got to be You

But that doesn’t stop me from looking at Jax, nor does it prevent me from noticing that although the smile is on his face, it hasn’t met his eyes. I don’t think his sadness really came from me. I think he’s unhappy. He might have everything that he ever wanted, but he doesn’t seem to be enjoying it. Sure, I’m just capturing a moment of his life right now and I may well be wrong, but the sadness seems deeply ingrained within him. All of a sudden, this moment isn’t about me and closure any longer. It’s about Jax and seeing what’s wrong with him. I kinda feel likeI need to dosomethingto make him happy once more. It isn’t my responsibility, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help.

His energy, the parts of him that make him who he is, all of it is gone, and I want to know why. Ineedto know why. I feel like our paths have crossed again for a reason, and it’s for me to see if I can help him.

21

JAX

Ican’t look at Lilly. I find it really hard to see her after all this time, especially when she’s looking so freaking beautiful that I can’t stand it. She’s making it impossible for me to even breathe around her. My mask isn’t up anywhere near as much as I need it to be. I can’t keep the fakeness up around her. It’s impossible. Everyone else, fine, even Adam because I don’t think he ever saw the truth of me like Lilly did. I could pretend like everything is great for him, but for Lilly, I can’t. I just can’t.

She can see it as well, I’m sure of it. She’s staring at me, seeing into my soul, knowing everything. For someone who was only in my life for a very short while, she really does know me best of all.

I give Adam a look, trying to silently communicate with him that he probably should have warned me if Lilly was going to be part of the gang trying to visit, but he doesn’t seem to get it. He just seems more excited than ever to see me, but almost as a fan rather than a friend, which is a weird dynamic.

“So, I really did help you get to your dream,” Adam declares with a self-satisfied sigh. “If I hadn’t pushed you to do thatmusic competition, then you never would have made it intoLionHeart.”

“Oh, yeah, that music competition!” I laugh. “I had almost forgotten about that. Wow, that really was how I got started, wasn’t it? I can remember that now. I wrote a song for it. Do you remember?”

Huh, back when I was allowed to write and perform my own music. What a blissful time that was. I got such a passion from it then. I got so much joy. Now, music is more of a chore than anything else. But I can’t let Adam see that he led me toward a nightmare. I don’t want him to feel bad. I also don’t want the others to know I regret giving up college when I do now. It’ll be too humiliating, and I’m sure they won’t understand. They simply see me as someone who’s living the dream. Who has it all.

Least of all, I can’t let Lilly know I walked away from the best relationship of my life and all for nothing. She let me go to live out my best life, and now… now, I have nothing and I don’t know what to say to her. It’s humiliating to admit that I fucked up in every way possible, so I won’t. I don’t need to.

I’ll keep the mask on, tightly clipped to my face, and I’ll keep up the happy act until they all leave. I’m sure it must be time for us to get up onstage soon, so they won’t be here much longer, anyway.

“Listen, we have spent enough time talking about me.” I laugh loudly and maybe a little too over the top. “I want to hear about what you guys are doing these days. How is everyone getting on?”

“I’m about to start my own business,” Adam jumps in quickly. “I worked at other places, but I’ve always wanted to work for myself. I mean, that’s what college was all about, am I right?”

“I don’t even want to talk about my job,” Anna sneers. “I hate it. It’s a nightmare. I have an asshole boss.”

She wants to talk more about him, I’m sure, and I kinda want to hear about her very normal issues, but everyone else jumps in too quickly. They’re all too keen to tell me about their lives as well. Well, everyone aside from Lilly, who hasn’t told me anything yet, but I have a lot of faith in her to have it all. The great career in sound engineering, and probably a great boyfriend as well. Maybe even a fiancé…

Uh-oh, now I’m picturing her with some awesome guy who treats her really well and makes her forget all about anyone she ever dated in the past. A rich guy who can get her whatever she wants, who has a great house for her to live in and who always cooks her dinner and stuff… who made some grand gesture when he proposed to her which swept her off her feet and took her closer to her happily ever after while I’ve been dragged down in the opposite direction, away from any kind of joy.

I shake my head hard, trying to get that thought immediately out of my brain, but it sticks with me. I’m out of the loop here. I don’t know anything about Lilly or anyone else’s lives anymore. I have no idea what’s going on and it makes me sad. Everything about this situation makes me sad and empty.

“Right, well we'd better let you go, “Adam declares as the conversation seems to fall into a stale mate. “I’m sure you needto get ready before you head up on stage. I’m sure you have… stuff to do.”

Oh, God, I have to get up on stage. I forgot about that part. “Yeah, right. I'd best get ready.”

Everyone says goodbye and makes their way out of my dressing room, but Lilly remains. Almost determinedly, as if there’s something that she needs to say to me after all and she won’t leave without it. I half expect it to be some kind of rant at me for leaving her, but the conclusion will be that I did her a favor because now she has the most amazing life without me. I brace myself, just knowing that the worst is going to come for me, wondering how the hell I’m going to react to this when it comes.

“Is, er, everything okay?” I ask her as her hands fling onto her hips. “Can I do something for you?”

“Areyouokay?” She doesn’t give me a chance to answer. “And are you around for a while after the show? Because if you aren’t heading off immediately, I would love to have a one to one catch-up.”

My instinctive reaction is to tell her no because the intensity of her gaze is a little too much for me, but then I see her fingers fiddling with something hanging around her neck. I can’t seem to stop myself from looking at it, staring at it until it becomes clear what it is. Oh, my God, it’s the necklace that I bought her all that time ago, right when I was celebrating the start of this nightmare.

Sure, she might have just put it on for the occasion, but I have a funny feeling that she’s never taken it off. And if she had a perfect boyfriend, then she wouldn’t want to hold onto the past, would she?

Stop it,I warn myself.Don’t get carried away. There is no hope here. Don’t think like that…

But my heart flutters with need, regardless. I know I’m going to agree before I even speak. I want to spend time with her. Even if I know it’s probably going to make things worse, I want to. And we’re here for the night, so it’s almost as if this is meant to happen. Like it’s destiny.

“Yeah, I have time,” I finally rasp back. “We can meet up after the show if you don’t mind hanging around. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get away quickly, so it might take some time.”

“I don’t mind,” she says quickly. “I’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

We lock eyes for a little while longer, chemistry floating between us like it always has, reminding me of what it feels like to be alive. I didn’t even know I was dead until this moment, but I have been. I’ve been ridiculously closed off and dead, and now, my heart is beating, ever so faintly. Just a little bit.

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