Page 71 of Ruthless Beast

I’m not feeling my vest today. I hate it when Lucas is away. I worry that he will get hurt, and sometimes I entertain the awful thought that he won’t come back at all. I know it’s not the way to live my life—fear is a destructive force that eats one out from the inside.

I suppose David’s death triggered my unconscious fear of loss and abandonment, which took me many years to repress. I thought I’d dealt with all of that after my parents died, but now I’m right back where I started. In fact, I fear that it’s worse now that David is dead too.

My fear is starting to manifest itself in my physical being now. I’ve been nauseous for a few days, and I can only put it down to Lucas’ trip away. I’ve even thought of canceling lunch with Sandy, but it's the only time I get to relax and enjoy anormallife.

Come on, Ems. You can do this. You’ll feel much better afterward.

“Hello, Emily. How are you today?”

Damon is in the driver’s seat. He tips his head in recognition when I get into the back seat.

“Hi, Damon. Yeah, good, thanks. How about you?”

He and I have been chatting for a few months now. Every time he drives me somewhere, we end up having interesting conversations. Ben was lovely, but Damine is closer in age to me, so we have that generational familiarity that a much older Ben and I didn’t share.

“You never talk about a partner. Anyone special back in Detroit, Damon?”

“Nope. Too many Custos in my hood.”

“Custos?”

“Girls who buy and use recreational drugs from dealers.”

“Hm. Yup, not attractive.”

“No, ma’am. The women and the dundos here are much better.”

“Translate, please,” I chuckle.

“Oh, sorry. The money.”

“For sure. LA is where it’s at. Is your family back there?”

“Yeah. My mom.”

“She must miss you.”

“She does, but she doesn’t complain when I send home the cheque.”

“You’re a good son, Damon.”

“I try. How about your folks?”

“They died when I was a teenager.”

“Oh, I'm so sorry. Forgive me.”

“It’s okay. It seems like a lifetime ago.”

“This is none of my business, I know, so please tell me to zip it if I’m overstepping. But I heard about your brother. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

I guess the news of David’s demise is out there.

“Thank you.”

“I know how you must feel. My brother died last year.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Damon.”

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