Page 65 of Knot Her Mountain Men

“Did you just have an internal freak-out?” I wriggled around to look at him.

His cheeks darkened, and he nodded.

“I felt it.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Can’t help how you feel.” I snuggled back into my original position, sorting through my own exhausted emotions while keeping an eye on the well of guilt from him that bubbled down the bond.

He held me tighter for a little while before cradling my head as he tilted it to the side and stroked his fingertips over a spot that electrified me head to toe. “Stay.”

I took a second to regain my breath, my whole body tingling. I swayed against the tide of his longing in the bond, brushes of affection and desperation reaching for me. “Bear, you know I can’t. I have a job I was supposed to start days ago and an apartment I was meant to move into. I’m hoping if I beg and explain the situation they won’t give the job to someone else.”

He let out a grumble of displeasure.

“You guys barely know me. You can’t bethatsad I’m leaving.”

Bear locked his arms around my chest, holding me snugly to him. “Watch me.”

The rush of longing from him was somehow even stronger than before, as if his emotions could wrap me up and keep me exactly where he wanted. Fortunately, the sweetness that ran through it like an undercurrent meant it felt more comforting than stifling.

I sighed, letting myself indulge in the cuddle, knowing the hours of opportunity were dwindling. I had read so many stories about omegas suffering from being touch-starved, and I’d always wondered if I might be different because I preferred being alone. Maybe it was the long-term suppression use that blunted my ability to feel it. Now I had gone through days where I was constantly touched and I knew without a doubt I wouldn’t be able to ignore the loss of that.

Pumpkin nosed her way into the bathroom, resting her chin on the edge of the tub. I patted her head, styling her fur into a little mohawk while she wagged her tail. “You’re making me wanna get a dog. I wouldn’t have room for one in my apartment.”

Bear grumbled again, his displeasure coalescing in my chest.

“Please don’t,” I whispered softly. It wasn’t fair to say since I’d just acknowledged he couldn’t help how he felt, but it made the guilt I was already carrying get unruly. That probably didn’t feel very nice for him either, and I didn’t want to create a weird feedback loop of misery we couldn’t control. “I want to enjoy the time we have left.”

“If you go, I go,” Bear whispered.

I wrestled my body around so I could face him and he would be able to sign instead of whisper if he preferred. Pumpkin seemed to think this was an open invitation to lick the water droplets from my arm like they were fine wine. “Bear, this is your home. You don’t have to leave with me.”

“I do,” he signed, and then tapped the bite on his throat. “I want to stay with you. We chose each other and I can’t leave after we bonded.”

I stared at the mark for a long moment, willing my exhausted brain to parse the meaning. He traced his fingers over the same spot on me, a shiver rippling down my spine. I rose up onto my knees so I could see the mirror, a red crescent on my skin reflecting back at me. I sank down, what little energy I had gathered immediately dissipating.

Pumpkin booped me with her nose, demanding more attention, and I absentmindedly stroked her head.

“You can’t leave?” I knew the bond affected things; of course I did, but it was still this strange ephemeral thing in my head that wasn’t quite real. If he couldn’t leave, I couldn’t either, and Bear didn’t deserve a life stuck to me. Panic crashed against my ribs and Bear gathered me close, his purr rumbling to help me relax.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Bear simply held me while I freaked the fuck out in his arms. I couldn’t have a bondmate. Certainly not one who would have to abandon his home for me to do my job. I had planned to be alone forever, suppress my heats as much as possible, and use a clinic when I was absolutely forced to go through with them. Granted, it wasn’t much of a plan, but it had always seemed safe.

Alone wassafe.

Alone wascontrollable.

What the fuck was I supposed to do? Bear wanted me to stay, but I hadn’t known him long enough to make a decision like that. Long distance would’ve been fine: phone calls, weekend visits on occasion, maybe vacations at the lodge. Having a bond that tied me to this place was something I couldn’t even begin to make my brain compute. If I left, we’d both succumb to bonding sickness and be miserable, bordering on nonfunctional depending on how long I was stubborn about it.

Fuck.

Anxiety dug in deep, stealing my breath and logic, filling my limbs with ice despite the warmth around me. Bear pulled me in close, taking exaggerated breaths.

“Breathe,” he whispered.

His palm against my back rose and fell with me as I struggled to comply. Pumpkin licked my cheek, dutifully cleaning every water droplet from my skin. She was a good distraction, especially when her tongue tried to glide up into my nostril and I leaned away, sputtering. Bear dipped his fingers into the water and wiped away all of Pumpkin’s hard work.

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