Page 69 of Dangers of Love

She pointed a finger at me. “No. Don’t do that. This isn’t about my shit, okay? I want to tell you everything, but right now, you need to talk to Eoin before this thing is beyond fixing.”

She was right.

I should have stayed and told him how it made me feel when he questioned my choices. Asked him what was at the root of what he was saying rather than making assumptions. Face my own fears that, deep down, I really couldn’t do this, and make myself vulnerable so that he would do the same in turn.

“Do you need me to drive you back to your place?” Freedom asked.

I shook my head. “I’m not far, and the walk will give me a few minutes to get my head on straight.”

“Good idea.” She got up and leaned over to kiss my cheek. “Give me a call later, and we’ll set up a time for us to have a long talk about a lot of things.”

I stood up and grabbed her in a hug. “I’d like that. I’ve missed you.”

In a voice thick with emotions, she whispered in my ear, “I’ve missed you too.”

Thirty-Eight

Eoin

I’d just beenready to call Aline when a text came through that she was coming back and we needed to talk. I went back and forth between anxiety and relief while I waited for her. We couldn’t keep doing this.

Our lives were linked, and we didn’t have the luxury of waiting until we had our shit figured out before deciding to start a family. The baby was on the way, and no matter what she and I disagreed about, I had no doubt that we were on the same page when it came to being the best parents we could be. To do that, we needed to work this out sooner rather than later.

Since I didn’t know if Aline had her key, I unlocked the door and then spent the next fifteen minutes or so pacing from one end of the living room to the other and back again.

When she came in, I wanted to just blurt out an apology and explanation, but I also didn’t want to come on too strong. How the fuck did people do this? How did they know what to say or how to say it? I didn’t know the answers, and I hated how unfair it was to Aline that she’d gotten knocked up by someone who was so completely ignorant when it came to knowing how to have a real relationship.

“Let’s get something to drink and get comfortable,” she said, her voice much calmer than it had been when she’d left.

I hoped that wasn’t because she’d decided it was too much and she was done with me.

“All right,” I agreed. “I’ll get you something. Juice?”

“Water’s fine.”

When I came back with ice water for her and a sports drink for me, she was already seated on the couch. Since she was at one end, I sat at the other, leaving space between us that could be crossed if she wanted me to.

“I’m sorry,” I said before she could speak. “And I’m not going to just leave it at that. You deserve to know why I freaked out, because it’s something that I’m going to need your help to get through.”

“All right,” she said, her attention focused on her drink. “I have some things I need to apologize for too. Do you want to go first?” She glanced at my face. “I don’t really know how this is supposed to go.”

“Me either.” I laughed, feeling a bit better at her admission. “I’ll go first and save us from trying to figure it out.”

“I’ll go first next time then.”

A hint of a smile played around her lips, and that gave me the hope I needed to rip off the band-aid.

“I’m scared.” I took a deep breath and pushed on. “I lost my mom when I was really young, and it fucked with my head. I acted out a lot, to the point that Da threatened to cut me off completely. If it hadn’t been for Leo convincing me to enlist with him, I don’t know that I ever would’ve straightened out.” It was easier to say his name than I’d thought it would be. “It was tough when soldiers I knew died, but it was different when we were ambushed. There was this kid, barely out of basic, and he was just gone. This other guy, he’d been pinned…” I shook my head. “He wasn’t dead yet, but I knew I couldn’t save him. I tried to save Leo but…”

Aline slid closer to me and put her hand on my knee, but she didn’t tell me that I didn’t need to talk about it, that I’d already told her a lot of this. She was just there, letting me know that I wasn’t alone, and that was what I needed to finish.

“My trying to save him is what ended up killing him. Logically, I know there really wasn’t anything I could’ve done differently. If we’d stayed, we would’ve gotten shot, and I went to the only shelter close enough for us to get to. Hell, I was shot twice just getting there.” My calf and shoulder ached with the memory. “It would’ve been bad enough to see him die in any way, but to have him die because I’d failed him–”

“No.” Aline squeezed my knee. “I’m not going to tell you that you can’t feel a certain way, but never forget the facts. Leo died because of a thousand things not in your control.”

I nodded and put my hand on hers. “You’re right. And this is exactly why I needed to tell you all of this, because I need you to remind me of the facts when I can’t see them myself. I can’t do it by myself.”

“You don’t have to.” She kissed my cheek.

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