Page 4 of The Master

I stoodin front of a rack of birthday cards, racking my brain for a piece of information I should have known. Was my nephew turning eight or nine today? I hadn’t been to a family birthday party since Dad had turned fifty a little over eleven years ago. Mom’s fiftieth had happened after the Calah incident so I’d dropped by with a gift when I’d known she was the only one home.

I pulled my attention back to the matter at hand. Picking a birthday card for Jacob, who was either eight or nine. Fortunately, there were some basic ‘kid’ birthday cards that didn’t have specific ages on them. Unfortunately, I still didn’t know him well enough to select something that I knew he’d like. What did kids that age like anyway? Video games? Sports?

“Dammit,” I muttered. I should have called Julia and asked her what to buy. I’d intended to do just that, but then…another thing my fling with Ashlee had fucked up. It wasn’t irrational or petty for me to blame her for it since I’d always intended to talk to Julia or my mom about Jacob’s likes and dislikes.

It was too late now to do anything about it, though. I picked up a card that had a generic cake and candles on the front. I flipped it open and confirmed that the well-wishes were just as generic as the cover. Better than nothing, I supposed. I just hoped that my less-than-original card and gift didn’t reveal that Mom had generally been the one buying the gifts and cards from me over the years. I’d done some shopping on my own when Mom had sent me an idea or two, but it had been rare.

I picked up the appropriate envelope and then headed to the gift card display. A card from a large retailer in the same amount I usually spent, and my shopping was done. As I walked to a cashier, I vowed that the next gifts I bought for my family would be ones that showed I was trying to mend things, not with money but with building and re-building relationships.

I bit back a laugh at that thought. Who the hell did I think I was kidding with that bullshit? I didn’t know a damn thing about having a healthy relationship with anyone. The closest I came to anything resembling healthy was with Finley, and I was self-aware enough to admit that it was due to him far more than it was due to me. I could use that as an example of a goal, but even then, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do.

Attending the party, bringing a gift, getting involved in conversations without arguing, helping with whatever anyone asked. Those were all things I knew I needed to do. Whether or not I could accomplish it was another story, and that pissed me off. I didn’t like doubting myself. In fact, I’d spent a large amount of time ensuring that self-doubt wasn’t a part of my vocabulary.

I was still fuming when I pulled up in front of the house, but I forced myself to put all the negativity aside. It was a practice in self-control, and that, at least, was something I could identify.

Not only was it identifiable, but it was something I’d done before in the past and had succeeded every time. Granted, most of my challenges had been sexual in nature, or at least in areas where the line between sex and the rest of my life merged, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t create something outside of that bubble.

Maybe that was what I needed to focus on: working outside my comfort zone. My family was definitely outside that zone…and it wasn’t until I gave voice to that idea that I realized how sad it was. Family was supposed to mean comfort and safety.

I wasn’t a completely self-centered asshole. I knew that the wedge between my family and me was my own fault. I knew that other people had horrific family situations that would make my absolute worst day with my family look like paradise. I knew that there were numerous people whose families put them in danger, intentionally or otherwise.

But while my issues were tiny compared to those other people’s lives, it didn’t mean I felt any more comfortable or safe.

What it did mean, however, was that I could try to fix it. I couldn’t do it all by myself since my family needed to accept my attempts, but I could do everything that was within my power.

Starting with getting out of my car and walking up to David and Julia’s house with my impersonal present and the hope that they’d all recognize that I was trying.

It was time.

I let out my breath in a rush and opened my door. Julia answered when I knocked, leaning in for a hug when I stepped inside the house. Mom was right behind her, smiling so wide it had to have hurt.

Apparently, bringing Catherine home after she’d snuck away to see me had redeemed me in the eyes of my sister-in-law and mother. I would’ve done it even if it hadn’t changed anything, but I was glad it had, especially with how badly the past week had gone for me. I probably wouldn’t ever admit it out loud, but knowing that my family no longer thought the worst of me made things a little easier.

“I’ll take that,” Julia said, plucking the card from my hand. “There’s sodas in the cooler and snacks on the buffet. Pizza will be here in fifteen.”

She hurried away before I could apologize for the fact that I hadn’t brought a bigger and better gift.

“We need to get you caught up on what the kids are interested in,” Mom said as she squeezed my arm. Her eyes darted behind me to the closed door, and my stomach sank as I realized who she was looking for. Her gaze moved to my face, and whatever she saw there must’ve told her enough because she didn’t ask. She simply took my arm and walked with me into the living room.

My brothers and father nodded at me, their expressions clearly saying that they were going to keep their guards up, but the out-right hostility was gone. I didn’t know if Joshua had explained things or if he’d just told them that we’d started working our issues out, but it was enough to keep me from feeling unwanted.

“Uncle Nate!” Catherine bowled into me, throwing her arms around my waist in an exuberant embrace that warmed my spirits.

I’d been a little worried that she’d be upset with me for her having been grounded after her solo trip to Manhattan. I hadn’t asked her to come to my office, but I also hadn’t gotten involved when I’d taken her home either. She’d scared the hell out of me, and I was just an uncle who barely knew her. I could hardly even imagine what it would’ve been like for David and Julia when they realized what she’d done.

“Hey, kiddo.” I awkwardly patted her back. “No recent unsupervised trips?”

“No, Uncle Nate.” She smiled up at me as she stepped back. “Mom and Dad told me how much I scared them, and I don’t want to do that again.” A flicker of a frown showed on her face. “Besides, I’m grounded.”

I had no idea how to respond to that, but I was saved from having to figure it out when Jacob came over to say hi too. At some point, I really needed to learn how to talk to kids. Not that I was having any kids of my own. That had never been in my plans. Never. The whole wife, kids, white picket fence thing wasn’t me. I didn’t want any of that bullshit.

“Uncle Nate?” The way Jacob said my name told me he’d said it more than once.

“Sorry,” I said with a smile. “Got a little lost in my thoughts for a second there. It’s good to see you again.”

He glanced at Catherine and then at his parents before leaning closer to me. “You got Catherine autographs from her favorite band.”

I nodded. “I did.” I had a suspicion about where he was going with this. “But I didn’t get a chance to find out who your favorite singer or band is so I could do the same for you.”

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