Page 122 of Scrimmage

“I’m just some slut who has seen every dick on campus. That’s never going to change. So how about you don’t waste more time thinking that it is?”

“I’m not trying to change you,” he argues.

“No, you’re just trying to save me,” I say calmly. “You might not realize it, but you’re trying to make me right. That’s why you keep doing this shit with me. You’re a fixer. But I’mwrong. I’ll always be wrong. The world will always be upside down for me. No one can fix that. Not even Penny.”

I push past him, and he grabs my arm. “Don’t walk out of that door.”

“It wasn’t all bad, Koda. We both have to live with that.” I yank my arm from his hand, and I fucking leave.

Behind me I hear him scream ‘fuck’ and there’s a crash. He’ll get over it. He’s just mad he didn’t get to do the tossing.

Chapter Sixteen

Koda

The keys showed up with Alexi a few days after break ended. Sure enough, the car was in the parking lot. Ashland asked him to drive it over, I guess. I’ve avoided every single place I thought she might go. It’s not that I don’t want to see her, it’s that it’ll be easier if she doesn’t see me. I made things difficult for her, and I did it on purpose.

I don’t regret coming back and getting her out of that party. I never will. Her little body looked almost lifeless on the floor. Smith didn’t even know she was still there. A while ago I granted myself unlimited access to her phone and started sharing her location with me. That’s how I knew where she was. I was filled with so much rage, but she needed someone. I made it be me. Somehow it all fell apart so quickly. The Cunts of the Century know how to fill you up, and they take it all with them when they go. You grieve the loss of them.

Every day that passes I feel the rejection as strong as it was the day that she left my condo. I've tried to go back to how it was—groupies sucking my dick. It’s what I should have been doing anyway. I don’t even bother with niceties anymore. If you want to talk then I’ll shut you up. It’s irritating having to kick every single bitch out of my place, but I refuse to wish for days when one left on her own.

The first time I had Stephanie back over I almost tried to fuck her. I made the mistake of pulling her hair and shoving my dick in her throat, and she cried about it. Not the pretty slut tears thatshehad, but ugly ones. After that, I just forced her to half-ass suck my dick and focused on getting off, and that hasn’t happened unless I do it myself. I can’t even use my imagination to pretend she’s someone else. Every time I think maybe I will finally break Ashland’s curse and finish, it won’t happen and I get angry, kicking whoever is there out without remorse.

Every time I start to think about her, I go for a run or hit the gym. It’s only been two weeks and the change in my form is apparent. Coach keeps telling me to stop, but he doesn’t understand that I can’t. The alternative would be acknowledging that the one person I finally gave into didn’t want me. It shouldn’t make me feel like this, but it does anyways.

I try to limit my knowledge about her, and I think Alexi already knew something was more than wrong. Maybe she told him. I don’t fucking care. He doesn’t bring her up, and that’s all that matters to me. Some of the guys have. They see her around. I tend to work them harder after hearing that. It’s not right. They don’t know. I never exactly explained her purpose, and I can’t take it back now. If I had, maybe things would be different.

I want to hate her so badly. I want my entire body to be repulsed by her, but I’m not. I caught sight of her one afternoon on the quad, and that felt like being set on fire. She walked with that asshole, Cole, and they were drinking coffee and laughing. Real fucking chummy. Guess she came crawling back after all. He certainly jumped on the opportunity as soon as I was out of the picture. Played by the pussy.

On my way out of the locker room today, I managed to hear two of the guys discussing a party. I’ve avoided them since our split, but at this point I want to go. I hope she shows up. I hate that I want to see her.

“You’regoing to the party?” Alexi asks. He’s masking whatever he’s thinking.

“Yeah, with Stephanie. Is that a problem?”

He leans against the door frame as I pull a shirt over my head. “It’s just that it’s possible Penny goes.”

“And?”

He chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment before he responds. “Because of Penny’s best fucking friend.”

“What’s your point? I don’t see why that even matters.”

I just want to see Ashland fucking around with someone else. Then I can move on.

“Oh please.” Alexi rolls his eyes. “Ashland, dude. Ashland is going to be there. Go to any other party, but not this one. I know you two stopped fucking. Believe me, it shows, but you don’t have to do this. She hasn’t been out since that night we got her from Smith’s, and now you’re trying to ruin it out of some weird unexplained vendetta.”

“I don’t have a vendetta,” I say lightly. “Good for her.”

“Then don’t fucking go, man. Come on.”

“What are you so worried about? We were just fuck buddies, that’s all. It’s a party.”

Alexi gives me an exasperated growl. “Just don’t start shit, alright? Stay away from her.”

I tilt my head, studying him. “Suddenly protective of her?”

“Are you accusing me of sleeping with her?” he asks incredulously.

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