Page 177 of Scrimmage

“Tea, then?” I yank the kettle out of the freshly organized cabinet. Koda put it where I could reach it, and I fill it with water, slamming it down onto the stove.

“Can we talk about this?”

“About what?”

He pulls at his hair and sighs heavily. “I’m not leaving.”

“Are you supposed to?”

I’m frustrating the fuck out of him, and I’m not mad about it. This time I’m not turned on by it though. It feels like it’s a form of self-preservation to send him into a fit.

“Why are you so against any type of commitment?”

“What? You’re the one who just admitted that this is temporary. You’re the one who is so insistent on calling me his,” I pretend to gag, “girlfriend.”

“Okay.” He takes a deep breath. “Okay. If you want me to pretend we’re not doing a thing, then we’ll do that, but…”

I chew on my nails. “But what?”

He leans his forearms on the counter. “I just wanna know you, Ash.”

“Uh, you’ve been all up in my guts. I think you know me pretty fucking well.”

He rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “That’s not what I mean."

“Go paint or something. You’re getting on my nerves, and you keep distracting me.”

He studies me for a minute. Knowing Koda, he can probably see the panic that’s eating away inside of me. His features soften. “I’ll go move the shelves back. Those walls are dry. Do you want them how they were?”

“Yes. Do that, peasant.” I smile, grateful for his patience.

He pulls me into his embrace. “It wasn’t what I meant,” he repeats.

“What kind of tea?”

“Chamomile.” He kisses my forehead and retreats down the hallway. “Don’t think you’re getting out of finishing this fucking wall. I’m not doing it all myself.”

“Uh huh,” I giggle. No way am I fucking painting. I’d rather watch him.

I hear the shelves moving and release the breath I was holding. Koda didn’t mean to say it like that. I’m overthinking everything. It’s a habit. Hasn’t he proven over and over again that he isn’t trying to hurt me? Refused to leave me alone? Damien refused to leave me alone, too, and I don’t think he saw it as hurting me either. I don’t know where to draw the line in the sand. Penny will be able to help me determine that. She wants me to open myself up, but she doesn’t want to see me hurt. She’ll be able to look at this objectively and tell me to grow some balls or cut them off.

I delve back into my daydream. In a perfect world, Koda and I work. We do everything just like this and have careers and a whole life. Penny and I still live together, traveling and exploring the world, but Koda would be there waiting for me. Maybe he would come with us. Life would be chaotic and messy in the best way.

That’s not how things work. It’s not just Koda. It’s my entire life. So many loose ends that won’t turn into knots or tie themselves together. The real reason I don’t want to tell Koda about myself isn’t just because of the looming gloom and doom of what my life is, but it would mean that I have to tell him about who I really am. I would have to explain what we've painted over time and time again because there aren't enough coats in the world that will make it all go away. It requires telling someone the darkest parts of yourself. It means telling him about all of the fucked up things that have led me to this point, and then giving him the keys to the closet full of skeletons and hoping that he doesn't pawn them.

I don’t feel any better when the kettle whistles. It feels like an omen. The sound reminds me of the screaming that became the theme song of my life and a constant inside of my head. Maybe it’s been there since the day I was born. I blink it away and turn the burner off, reminding myself that Penny will be back soon. She can set me straight.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Ashland

My bedroom door slams, causing me to jump. Koda comes blazing around the corner into the kitchen. There’s fury in the air. I can’t tell if I’m excited or scared.

“What the fuck, Ashland?”

“What’s your problem?” I lift an eyebrow and cross my arms, leaning against the counter. This can’t possibly still be about what he said. He was calm when he went into my room.

He jabs his finger in my face. “My problem is that I’m the other fucking man. I’m the goddamn boy toy. You’ve been using me. You’ve been toying with my fucking feelings.”

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