Page 158 of Scrimmage

“I’m trying to be. I’m just having a hard time.”

I don’t tell her about the letter from Memphis. There’s no point. I’m not even sure that it haunts me, even though it’s sitting on my shelf in my room fucking haunting me.

“You know, I looked through your sketch book. The one Koda stole.”

“I know.”

“I’ve never seen you draw Damien before.”

“Really?”

Even though I’m tortured and constantly reminded of the past, I do forget there was a time where I wasn’t with Penny. We’ve always taken the stance that it’s us against the world. Her shit is my shit and vice versa. I suppose I haven’t drawn Damien very much. At first it hurt because I felt like a traitor, after that it hurt because it made me remember, and sometimes it hurt because I saw the things I loved. Now it just hurts.

“He was attractive, wasn’t he?”

“He was. He knew it, too.”

“They make it so confusing that way. You’re so grateful to be precious to them, and they make you feel so fucking special.”

I was special. So was Penny. When you’ve been that fucked up kind of special it makes you really scared to ever be it again.

Penny continues. “It’s okay to feel valued. We both struggle with it, but being valued is supposed to be a good thing. You taught me that. I value you. It’s not as scary as it feels. Koda values you in a good way from what I’ve seen. Being his girlfriend is a good thing if you want it. Ya know, a friend once told me you’re braver than you think.”

“Did you just quote fucking Barbie of Swan Lake?”

“It’s the superior Barbie film,” she argues. “Can I say something before we move on to our delusional reality?”

“Always.”

“I think you should give it a…Chance.”

I close my eyes, wipe my tears, and sit up. “Well, Football Chance roped me into the date. After it sucks, all will be right in the world, and I’ll be biding my time with him until you're back.”

“Mhm. Don’t underestimate him, Ash. He’s determined.”

I grab the bottle of liquor and pour us both drinks. The front door opens. Koda comes in with pizza and Alexi on his heels. Penny glances at me, raising a brow before greeting them.

I didn’t tell Koda to bring us pizza. I also didn’t tell him to bring Penny home to visit. He just did it. She hugs Alexi and starts to fill him in about the internship.

Koda goes to the cabinet to pull out plates like he always does, but his hand hovers over the stack. He’s fighting it. I head over and reach in, pulling them out. We won’t fucking use them but seeing him stressing it is stressing me out. He breathes in a sigh of relief as I hand them over. He sets them down next to the pizza and turns to me.

“Already getting drunk?”

“Is it movie night if we don’t?”

He’s so attractive that it hurts. Things have been less tense between us. He comes into the house and wakes me up for my classes if I don’t fall asleep at his place. I’ve been sleeping in Penny’s room, and I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s mine. We haven’t been having sex, but those are the nights that I don’t have nightmares. Those are the times that I don’t see Damien, and I crave the semblance of peace.

“Do you two need anything else?”

“A male stripper.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’ll be back in the morning to make sure you’re still alive, but I leave Sunday.”

Cunt. Be a cunt, I remind myself.

“Don’t care.”

“Then I’ll be back Tuesday.”

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