Page 157 of Scrimmage

“No.”

“You’re being childish. Do I need to put you on Cunt probation?”

“Cunts don’t date.”

“Cunts do date, and they’re cunty about it. It doesn’t mean you can’t be someone’s girlfriend. You have the cunt part down. Just put your name on the relationship and move on. You’ve been spending your time with him anyways. It’s not a big deal. I don’t know what to do with you sometimes.”

“Penny,” I try to level with her. “Koda and I are running on a timer.”

“Then make the most of the timer.”

“I don’t want it, Pen. I don’t fit into Koda’s life like that. I’m not going to make myself do it either.”

“This is not news to me. It seems like Koda is willing to fit into yours, though. That has to count for something. You’re not an easy bitch to be around, and it’s been…what? Six or seven-ish months? The guy has a hard on of the heart.”

“Don’t ever say that again.”

“So just put your big girl pants on, tell him what he wants to hear, and bump uglies.”

We both gag and descend into fits of laughter before gagging again. I wipe tears from my eyes as we lay on the floor. “Add that shit to the list.”

“I think I need to wash my mouth out with soap after that one.”

We lay there head to head, staring at the ceiling. “I feel so lost, Pen.”

She reaches over us and grabs my face. “I’ve got a map and a lantern?”

“A lantern? What is this? The Stone Age?”

“You like the Stone Age you dumb bitch. What is it that makes you think you’re lost?”

“A while ago, you asked me what I want to do in the next few years, and I don’t know. I’ve thought about it, and I don’t fucking know.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “Is that why you’ve been having a hard time?” There’s guilt in her voice.

“I don’t know. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions. I didn’t think I would ever make it this far. I’m overwhelmed. I’m seeing Damien—” Shit.

Penny sits up so fast that my hair gets caught in her claw clip. “You’re seeing Damien?”

Fuck. Fuck. Shit.

“Yes," I admit. "In crowds. In allies. In class. He’s everywhere. I thought I was just stressed. I really did.”

Penny looks fucking wounded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought I could figure it out.”

“This is serious, Ashland.” My full name. Ugh. “I could've been trying to help you.”

“I don’t want to go to therapy. I don’t want to hash this all out again. I’m fucking tired.” I start to cry. “I’m so fucking tired all of the time. I’m mentally exhausted. I’m physically exhausted. All of the exhaustions. Damien controls everything in my life, and he isn’t even fucking here. It’s always going to be like this. Always.”

Penny crawls to me across the floor and wraps me in her arms. Then I sob like a big fucking baby.

“Ash." She sets her chin on the crown of my head. “I can’t fix it, and I’m not going to tell you I can. I’m not going to tell you it'll get better, 'cause it might not. I know what Michelle would say. You’re handing him the control, but I know better than that. I still pray sometimes.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” she sighs. “I do. I wish eviscerating Damien would fix all of the problems and keep him from living in your head, but that’s our reality, Ash. I wasn’t trying to pressure you about the future. I just want you to be excited for it.”

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