Page 138 of Scrimmage

We spent the day after New Year’s dying. Neither Penny, nor I, spoke. We just laid there in silence wishing that there was some way to end the suffering of the hangover. We spent the next day packing. Well, Penny packed, and I unpacked. When she finally realized it, we descended into a fit of laughter that I almost didn’t recover from.

She confronted me about kissing Koda at the bar, and I had to spill the details.

The last month has been rough, and I tried to hide it from her. I didn’t want her to give up the internship. That lasted about two weeks before Koda managed to ruin it, like he does everything. We argued in a way that we haven’t about me bailing him out of jail. I know why she thought I shouldn’t, but she also knew that I was going to do it anyways. Poor Alexi stood there on his phone with wide eyes, afraid we might actually rip each other apart.

She was so upset that she called the calvary. But damn, if I’m not glad she did.

Seeing everyone from back home was like getting a hard reset. Even though I’ve been the worst and avoided everyone for God only knows how long, no one acted like it. There was mischief, madness, and probably murder. I thought I could maybe fuck my ex and get over Koda, but he’s never been an enabler. The problem with Brin is that he’s an empath. He feels other people’s pain and takes it on as his own. I ended up telling him all of the things about Koda that I didn’t tell Penny, even though I knew it was hard for him to listen. I didn’t even feel better after.

He’ll probably write a new album titled SWEETHVRT.

That’s all I do. I hurt. There’s only one person that knows exactly how, and I almost threw it all away just to hear his voice. To have that painful comfort I’ll never be able to move past.

I went to Prince’s going away party, which gave me a few hours of reprieve from the demons. I chain smoked the entire affair, and it didn’t help. He knew something was up with me, but it was so crowded that he couldn’t ask me about it. Angel ended up fighting with Gavin and left me there. It’s not that I’m not familiar with everyone. I stood on the fringes of the groups discussing techniques and telling wild stories, but I didn’t contribute.

After Alexi returned the car, he didn’t bring Koda up again. Never even alluded to his existence. I’m not sure if that was better or worse. I may have walked away, but it wasn’t the kind of win I wanted. Koda didn’t come after me. He didn’t text me. He didn’t say anything at all. He disappeared, and that pissed me off in ways I wasn’t prepared for.

Christmas sucked, but it always does. Unlike Cuntsgiving, Penny and I both refuse to acknowledge that it’s a holiday or any sort of anniversary. She spent the day locked in the studio, and I spent the entire day reading. When I got the text from Koda, it was just after I had lost myself in my book. It’s a curse having ever known him at all. Sleep? Damien. Awake? Damien…and Koda.

I’ve seen a lot of men in jail, but Koda has been, by far, the hottest. It’s because he didn’t belong there. It’s because it was proof that I somehow ruined him, too.

I knew we couldn’t avoid each other forever, so I decided the best vengeance was to continue pretending we were nothing. He asked me if I was going to be okay without Penny. The fucking audacity. I wanted to scream at him ‘Don’t pretend you give a fuck about me’, but that’s what a desperate bitch does. That would show him a modicum of emotion.

That went out of the window as soon as I was drunk.

He’s the worst, but he’s also got a way of just demanding my attention. I know I’m the best he’s ever had. The way he fucked me in the bar bathroom proved it. It was a moment of weakness that I will probably repeat again.

Penny stands in the doorway brushing her teeth. “When are you going to admit that you actually like him?” Toothpaste dribbles down her chin.

“Who?” I lie.

She rolls her eyes and pulls it from her mouth. “Koda.”

“Can’t like something full of air.”

She spits into the sink. “Oh yeah? Is that why you banged him into the New Year?”

“He has a great dick, and he knows how to use it.”

“Yeah, you definitely didn’t like him.” She rinses her mouth out. “Get your shit together.”

“Weird how he ended up at the same bar we were.” I glare at her.

“Wasn’t me. Swear. It was the Universe,” she promises. “You’ve been fucking mopey. At the very least, you need something todowhile I’m gone. If that’s Koda then so be it. At least he’ll keep you dick drunk.”

“Things did not go well last time. This was just a drunken fuck in a bar bathroom. Gross, just like him.”

“Doesn’t sound gross. Sounds hot.”

“Can we stop talking about Football Chance and start saying goodbye.”

“It’s not goodbye, bitch.” She throws a towel at me, and I follow her out of the room. “Literally calling you every day.”

“I should come to the airport.” I start to grab my things.

“We both agreed that would be terrible because we would express too much emotion,” Penny points out, putting her shoes on.

“What am I supposed to spend my day doing? The shop is closed.”

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