Page 127 of Scrimmage

“You miss Ashland.”

“I don’t.” It’s a bold faced lie.

“Why can’t you just admit that you like her? Is it your stupid ESPN fantasy?”

“No.”

“Then fucking why, man? Ashland is perfect for you. She takes your shit and gives it back ten times more. You don’t scare her. She doesn’t give a fuck about anyone’s status. I mean, she pressed your buttons in ways I would have been terrified to do. We flew back here for her over Thanksgiving break and suddenly you two aren’t speaking. You avoid each other. She isn’t even talking to Cole.”

That gets my attention. “She isn’t?”

“No. Penny said that Ashland isn’t even drinking coffee that way she can avoid him. You attackedhimat that party, and she fucking bailed you out of jail. I heard her argue with Penny about it that night.Argue.They were shouting. We’re concerned about you both.”

“What do you mean we?”

“Me and Penny, dude. You’re my brother, and Ashland and Penny are even closer than that. Penny invited me to movie night last week, and Ashland was so fucking quiet. I know she’s having a hard time with this, too. She just clutched her sketch book and drew silently during the entire thing. The second the credits began to roll she went straight to bed.”

Ashland being quiet is so much worse than Ashland speaking. Could she possibly miss me? Her words echo in my mind.We are nothing alike. We never will be. We’re nothing.

I didn’t want her to walk away the other night, and I didn’t want her to leave the morning that we fought. It wasn’t because she had been taken advantage of at that party, although that was heavy on my mind, but I didn’t want her to go. Somehow I managed to say all of the wrong things. It’s not like I went after her either. I didn’t even deny that she was a pocket pussy, and none of that was even true. Colehadbeen wrong, and I didn’t even counter it like a fucking idiot.

“So are you going to apologize?” Alexi looks at me pointedly.

“For what?”

“I don’t know, but you’ve got to do something.”

My jaw tenses. “She doesn’t want to see me, Alexi. I already told you. You heard her at that party. Ashland doesn’t say shit that she doesn’t mean. You didn’t hear her after she bailed me out.”

“Ashland says what she’s thinking. She says exactly how she feels in that moment. That doesn’t mean it’s what’s going on in her actual mind. She bailed you out, and she could have ignored the entire thing and left you there to rot.”

Her mind. Ashland’s mind; a dark twisted place. I’ve done my best not to psychoanalyze her. I gave up, but her art is the gateway to actually being able to do it. At first I thought she was impulsive. I thought that she just did whatever the fuck she wanted with no consideration. Now? I don’t think that’s it at all. I think maybe Ashland actually is tortured, and the only way to keep things straight is to be forward and honest. I fucked with that.

“She doesn’t want to see me, Alexi.”

“The Koda I know goes after what he wants. I guess you gotta figure out what that is.” Alexi gets up, gives me a small smile, and leaves. I hear the front door shut behind him.

What do I want? Ashland asked me that question, but she didn’t mean it the same way Alexi does.

I fucked up. That’s the only conclusion I keep coming to. I pull out the sketch she actually gave to me. In the sky are the stars, but theres also a planet, as if she can see the entire galaxy. I would believe it. Maybe it’s mercury because she thinks I’m hot, but she’s not that shallow. Could be Venus, because everything with us was about sex. Maybe Mars because she thinks I’m a fucking alien, or maybe just one to her. Not Uranus or Saturn because there aren’t any rings. Could be Neptune because I’m a cold asshole. Then it hits me. Jupiter. Jupiter because boys are stupider.

I pinch the bridge of my nose. She’s not fucking wrong. I think I might hate myself. Did I take advantage of her? She was so masochistic that I couldn’t help myself. I had never hit a girl before. She pulled things out of me that I always thought were the worst parts of myself, but Ashland acted like they were the best. Over the course of those few months with her I think I may have actually become a better person. I’m judgmental, that won’t go away, but less so. I couldn’t participate in those worthless social interactions at parties anymore, and I didn’t want to just go to some stupid party. Not without her. She would make me fucking laugh and work my mind, even in those times that we were pretending to hate each other.

Ashland is stubborn, and she never gave me everything I wanted. Any of the Stacy’s would just try to please me immediately. Ash would argue and bite back. She has strong opinions that usually don't match mine, and that was okay with her. She didn’t try to change me. She accepted me. The real parts of me. She saw me as a person and never as a football player or some unattainable trophy. Ash is an unapologetic brat in the best way. It doesn’t mean she can’t accept responsibility, in fact, I think she wishes that everything was her fault so she would have some modicum of control. We have a lot in common.

Those moments I did get to hold her in my arms the morning after the party were comparable to winning a championship. When I had brought her home she tossed and turned, murmuring while she was unconscious. I had never ever seen her sleep before besides the nap in the Jeep. She always left. I watched her the entire night, worried that whatever she was spiked with might make her overdose or something. She’s never taken drugs in front of me, and when they’ve been offered she vehemently refuses them. She smokes a lot of weed, but that’s not comparable.

People love Ashland. As much as she tries to hate everyone, they love her anyways. The only ones that don’t are just jealous of her or angry she isn’t giving them what they want. The way she cares about Penny is a testament to who she really is. What do I want? Ashland. I want her with all of the strings attached. I want to be present with her and worry about the future of it all later.

There is only one person on earth who could help me fix this.

The first thing I do is head to the Italian place in town and grab chicken alfredo with a few cannolis. You can always bribe people with food, especially the Cunts of the Century. Alexi was right, I know how to work hard. There aren’t a lot of ways to get Ashland’s attention, but a sure fire way is to get to her through Penny. Penny holds the keys to the fucking kingdom. I find her in one of the art rooms working on her sculpture. I have no fucking clue what it is.

She doesn’t even turn around, but her shoulders rise and fall with a sigh. “You can leave it in the chair over there.”

“I was hoping we could talk.”

“I’m sure you are, Chance.”

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