I gave it. “When I came up with barely any magic, my family was furious but let it go at first. I was registered with the council but didn’t go to real school still. It was an ongoing joke with my teachers that I was a dud. They would come in and study me like I was a zoo exhibit instead of remembering their fucking jobs.
“One kept asking me all kinds of questions from my diet to disgusting things he shouldneverhave asked a child.” I blinked back tears. “Never have asked me. I didn’t understand until I was older. But it was so grotesque that…” I slowed down and started crying.
Not for me or what I was going through.
I finally cried for eight-year-old Bevin who went through so much and had no one to protect her the way she should have been. Grandfather could only do so much, and he couldn’t protect me the way I should have been.
6
“What did he ask you, Bevin?” she asked gently. “Did he touch you?”
I shook my head and mopped up my face. “No, but he thoughtIwas a pervert who touched herself ateight. I didn’t—he asked if I did more than wipe when I went potty. It didn’t make sense, but he would ask stuff like that or if I did things when I dressed. I didn’t understand until years later when I learned about masturbating, and then I was so horrified that…”
“Sick fucker,” she hissed.
“He thought that was why I was a magical void and had no familiar,” I seethed. Then I let out a wordless scream.
“Again,” Emma pushed. She pointed over to a tree. “I heard you’ve got good energy blasts. Destroy that tree.” She shrugged. “Do it. Because you can and it’s a good weapon. Be prepared and get the—”
I screamed and let out an energy blast that took out a couple of trees.
Whoops.
But it helped.
“That felt good,” I admitted.
“You’ve been repressed too long. That’s what we learn as women from top-tier families,” she said gently. “I’ll teach you how to shoot. The shooting range helps me. Your land is too nice to fuck up.”
“Thanks, Emma.”
She shrugged. “I’m getting a lot out of this too. I don’t have any female friends who escaped their top-tier families either. I’m hoping this is just as cathartic for me.” She waved me to come on and get back to running so I did. “You ever tell anyone about that sicko?”
“No. I honestly forgot about him with everything else and—everything was so dark especially after Grandfather died. That guy wasn’t the only one. They brought in specialists to help me unlock my magic. So many assholes came to give me screenings and sessions so they could match me with a familiar like that would do it.”
“Yeah, that explains you blowing up at Dr. Moon for not helping you,” she muttered.
I considered that a moment. “I might have been harsher than she deserved, but that was because I really wanted the help and she yanked the hope away from me. But really, it was because—she’s such a twat, Emma.” I nodded when she did a double take and almost lost her footing. “Seriously, her dismissive and bitchy attitude that all witches don’t leave and—”
“Yeah, I know the type,” she promised. “And then there is the other side of the coin like your mother who buys into it all. I’m shit on her shoes because I did leave and wasn’t watched over. Your grandmother too from what I hear. My purity was mine and—clutch the pearls!” She smiled when I snorted. “So now that we’ve got some good groundwork—”
“We can talk about what’s really going on with me? What I need the help with most?” I asked, trying not to get my hopes up again.
“Yes, and nothing said here gets repeated—that goes both ways. As long as neither admits to hurting ourselves or others.”
I heard the unasked question. “I don’t want to hurt myself. I’m having trouble getting out of bed and feel like I should just give up too often now, but—I’m not afraid to go up on the roof of my dorm because I might want to jump or anything.”
“Okay, good. Let me know if that changes. I won’t judge you. I won’t. That was how I felt after I was almost raped,” she said… Easily. She said it so easily that I almost tripped this time.
I grabbed her arm and turned her to face me, both of us having to catch our balance since we’d been running. “How do you do that? How do you own your traumas like that?”
She shook her head. “Bevin, you do it so much better than you think. You just told me easily that your parents were going tosacrifice you.” She booped me on the forehead. “You do better than you think.”
“Right, okay, but there’s been so much time since I’ve known it and…” That was the answer.
Time.
I’d hadtimeto accept the crazy and trauma even if… Well, maybe “accept” wasn’t the right word. Did someone ever accept their parents planning to sacrifice them?