Page 69 of Before Now

I unhook the tour glasses, dangling from the neck of my shirt, and toss them on the counter with the keys and then add my wallet.

After a shower, I grab my guitar and notebook, unsettled beneath my skin in a way I can’t explain. It happens a lot. The only way it seems to calm is working on music or wandering around. Not aimlessly, per se, but similar to when I’m writing a song. I don’t know where it’s going, but I know when it gets there. I’m where I wanted to be once I’m there. Until then, I follow different melodies, see if a path leads the right way.

It’s whyWandererscreamed at my soul. And now they’ve incorporated more lax tour options for these final weeks of the beta testing. Which means if someone wants to see what it’s like to cross the Charles Bridge or poke around outside of museums and art exhibits, I can get paid for simply walking around.

As I pass Chase’s room, the door’s cracked ajar. I sigh, stopping in the hallway outside of it. My fuck it seems to reverse itself.

“Have you graduated from the mime program yet?” I call.

Shockingly, he doesn’t answer, so I nudge the door farther open. Light spills in, and he’s scrolling on his phone in bed. He acknowledges me with a tic in his jaw.

“Is this your newest tactic to avoid me? Sitting in the dark? Or are you taking up spelunking next and want to acclimate to cave-dwelling?”

Nothing.

“Dude, what do you want from me?” I ask, the entire ordeal exhausting. “You were mad I wasn’t going out with you enough, but that can’t change if you won’t even be in the same room as me.”

The blue glow off his screen catches the irritated shake of his head.

“You’re acting like I don’t get it, but I don’t even know what the fuckitis, Chase.”

We’re supposed to be above this petty bullshit. Beyond holding grudges and expecting the other to flail around until they land on the correct answer. Instead, he’s icing me out and acting like I’m not even here.

“You’re pissing me off with the silent treatment. So, by all means, continue on in your one-sided fight. But I’m not leaving you alone until you talk.”

Another round of no response, and I step into the room and flip on the light. That earns a reaction, his glare snapping up. We sit in it, and I just want him to say something. But then he scoffs and refocuses on his phone.

“Chase—”

“Weren’t you fucking leaving?” he spits, not looking up. “I’d sayweren’t you going home, but…” He lets a shrug finish for him, knowing the rest already landed.

It’s my fault. I wanted him to talk. I never specified I wanted to like what he said.

I shake my head, turning for the door. “Let me know when you want to apologize for that.”

“Shut the light off.”

“My pleasure,” I reply.

My fingers land on the switch, flipping it down. Then I catch it again on the way up, popping the overhead back on.

He never specified to leave it off.

With that glorious moment of bonding over, I step out on the balcony. I drop my notebook on the table and slouch into the metal chair, guitar coming with me. No one’s complained yet about me playing out here, so I doubt they’ll start tonight.

But it all seems off, and I end up staring at the sky, fingering chords on the fret even though I’m not strumming.

I have a place to live. A dorm room at school in Texas with a Cali-boy surfer for a roommate. I also have places to stay when not at school, Chase’s parents’ one. A home, though? I haven’t had one of those in a long time.

Not in the permanent residence definition or the one you feel in your heart and bones.

Chase simply used my truth as a weapon.

Still stings, though.

I pull out my phone, my other hand never leaving the guitar’s neck while I check for this month’s deposit. The money sits in my account, pulsing and festering. It’s an infection I keep contained because cutting it out would only negatively impact the other parts of my life. I’m using the money to get where I need to be as fast as possible. A calculated way to set myself up so nothing will stop me from being on a stage, playing my songs and singing my words.

The second that path clears, I’m going to blow up his entire life.

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