Page 161 of Before Now

“And if I say no to the surgery?” I sound cold, but I don’t care.

“We can continue monitoring to see if the swelling reduces on its own. He’d still need to be on the machines, and the chance of recovery is incredibly low.” She pauses, and I look up, my gaze having lowered. “Or you can decide to discontinue life-sustaining measures, and we’ll keep him comfortable.”

My heart knocks into my rib cage. “You mean turn off the machines?”

I need her to clarify, to say it outright, even though she nods with regret.

“Right now, they’re keeping him alive,” she says. “Once we remove them, he’d most likely pass away quickly, but we’ll be able to prevent any pain.”

I swallow to keep the answer from tearing out of my throat. It would be poor form after all.

I force a slow count to five, and then I slip into my role, offering a performance worthy of Daniel Kane when I play off a sad smile.

“I think that’s what my stepdad would have wanted.” I gesture toward the machines, not bothering to look. “He wouldn’t consider this living. It wouldn’t be fair to prolong his suffering.”

Dr. Sullivan grasps my other arm with a sympathetic squeeze. “I know this is a hard decision, so don’t feel rushed. If you need some time, we understand.”

“No,” I say, resolute. “It’s okay. I’m ready to tell him goodbye.”

The last part isn’t an act. The decision is anything but hard. I think the possibility of this exact moment was the real reason I felt a need to come here.

I needed to stand over his bed so if any part of him can, he’ll hear me say, “I’d like to withdraw all life-sustaining care.”

Her expression is comforting. “Of course, Remi. You’ll need to fill out some paperwork, and then we’ll give you some time with him.”

As I walk out behind her, the nurse gently places her hand on my back, guiding me down the hall.

“My heart breaks for you, sweetie.” True sorrow hangs in her tone, even though the man she thinks the world is losing never existed.

“Thank you,” I tell her, but I meanI’m sorry.

Loss is loss.

But unlike her, I feel like I’m gaining something.

The room she takes me to sits off to the side of the nurses’ station, quiet and only large enough for a round table and four chairs.

“It won’t be long.”

I sigh as she walks away, and I perch on the edge of the table. A tick-tick-tick fills the space from the wooden wall clock, but after a while, a voice drifts in.

A voice I’ll never not recognize.

My muscles freeze over, and a breath shudders out of me. My lungs resist drawing another because the atmosphere’s changed.

The air toxic.

I expect the wave of panic that hits me, for the onslaught of memories following right behind.

But neither level me like they once would. Instead of drowning in fear and retreating, I emerge on the other side to something else. A familiar fury builds in my bloodstream, and a cool calm wraps it. The combination is potent, the same one that drove me to return to Ashfield all those years ago.

Now it drives me into the hall.

The nurse is standing in the doorway to the room beside Daniel’s and glances over her shoulder.

“The Chief has some visitors, hoping for an update…” She trails off, reading me as I stalk toward her and quickly moving aside.

I charge into the small waiting room, and five police officers all snap their attention to me. I lock onto two, shoulder to shoulder. The favorites.

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