Page 150 of Before Now

When I finally pull away, I step around her to shut the door. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

She spins, her eyes shiny. “I’m here, and I’m so sorry, Remi. I was a selfish teen and incredibly naive, and I let you down. I’ve wished so many times I could go back and help you the way I should have.”

I shake my head, confused by her apology. “Did Foster tell you?—”

“Nothing,” she says. “He only told me you’d been on tour with him, and if you didn’t want to see me, I had to leave.”

“Don’t leave.” I tug open one of the buttons on her coat to emphasize, and one side of her mouth tips up.

She shucks off her coat, following me into the living room. I sit, she sits, and then she scoots closer.

“You weren’t okay back then,” she says. “Miles tried to tell me shit wasn’t okay for you so many times, but I couldn’t see it. I was oblivious to so much, and after you left, I still twisted it to be about me. I’d decided you two were together, so when Daniel told me you and Roman ran off together, I believed him. I said you guys were hanging out, feeling sorry for myself because I was the one left behind.”

Fresh tears fall down her cheeks, and I tame my own, her words striking so many tender spots inside me while simultaneously warming them. The pain easy to absorb and breathe through.

“It’s okay?—”

“It’s not, Remi.” She grabs my hand on my leg, squeezing and reminding me she’s with me. “It was never acceptable. Miles was so angry with me. After I met up with Foster and still thought nothing was wrong, he broke up with me. He said I needed to grow the fuck up and realize how the world really works.”

That explains why when I searched social media for Sage Ricci last year, I didn’t find her. I post videos and documentary clips on my account RSFrames, and someone in a shot reminded me of her. She always said she would lock Miles down ASAP, so it felt like a safe bet. The thought was fleeting, though, and I never looked up Sage Teller.

“I’m sorry,” I say, but she shakes her head at me.

“He was right. My second year of nursing school, I took a class where we learned how to interact with patients who suffered domestic abuse. So much made me think of you. Things you’d say and do. The pillows—fuck, Remi, and the trellis.” She presses her lips together for a second and exhales. “Your mom never stopped using, did she?”

“No,” I whisper.

Sage nods. “In high school, I knew she took pills, but I thought it wasn’t a big deal, or else Chief Kane would do something about it.” Her gaze lowers. “And Roman taking you to your dad’s funeral because she was sick?”

“She was high.”

When she looks up, her face crumples. “Goddamn it. No wonder you skipped town.”

Anxiety lodges in my throat as I consider telling her the truth, but then there’s another knock.

“Hold on.” I leave her on the couch and check the peephole, then I whip around to her. “Did you skip over a rather important detail?”

She shrugs, lips curving up. “I was getting there.”

This time I’m at least prepared when I open the door—tears burn my eyes anyway.

“Hey, Rem,” Miles says. He charges in and flings his arms around me. “Your parking situation sucks.”

I laugh, but it’s half sob, and then I shove him away. “You fucking broke up with her? You unworthy asshole.”

He smiles and jerks me back into the hug. Tighter. Longer.

Once I pry him off of me, he takes off his coat and settles in next to Sage. Seeing them together in my tiny Tribeca apartment feels like a fever dream. In some ways it is, given the source of my everlasting fever sent them to me.

I’ve been thinking about Sage a lot since I heard her voice, adding her to my list of one days. I mentioned it to Foster, and I’ll never be able to thank him enough for bypassing me to make it happen so soon. Am I in emotional overload? Absolutely. Would I want anything different? Absolutely not.

They ask me about the documentary, the tour, and Foster. I tell them about it all—especially him.

Then I learn everything I missed with them for the past five years. Sage finished school and works as a labor and delivery nurse, taking extra classes for another certification. Miles has remained with the company that createdWandereras a developer, but he’s remote now, and they live outside of Hunts in an adorable house on a hill.

By the end of the night, I’ve told them the practiced words:Daniel killed my mom. It’s a lot of crying, but so fucking cathartic. Even though I’m perfectly fine not talking about it again for a long time. They know about Roman too. The favorites and the threats.

I think what hurts my heart the most is when I open the door and Sage stops before walking out of it. “I wanted to find you when I finally opened my eyes, but I thought you probably hated me for not seeing it in the first place. But I need you to know I’ve missed you every day. You never said goodbye, and a piece of me has always held out hope that meant it wasn’t one. It’s why I called Foster every year in case he felt the same way.”

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