Page 129 of Before Now

Otherwise everyone falls back into the groove quickly. The only real change is between me and Remi. We’re not dancing around each other anymore. We feel right. No longer misaligned.

Of course it also means she’s openly calling me on my shit.

After I drop my bag in our dressing room at tonight’s venue, another hits the floor not far away. With attitude.

My lips twitch before I rake my gaze up Remi’s tight jeans and top to the set jaw and eyes narrowed at me.

I lift a brow. “You have words to go with the ice?”

“Oh, I have plenty,” she says, each one edged in brat. “It’s you who seems to be lacking them. Specifically recorded ones.”

I lick my lips to hide a smile and avert my gaze, bringing it back with a sigh. “I relent. Let’s do my solo interview after a show this week.”

She blinks like she expected more of a fight, but I have no reason to resist anymore. It wasn’t the questions I’ve been avoiding but sharing the answers with the person asking them. I couldn’t open up to her while simultaneously locking her out.

I want to share it all with her—I always have, if I’m being completely honest, but I can kick off the self-preservation mode. She can have the Adams North origin story.

“What’s the catch?” she asks, still squinting at me.

“No catch. I’ll answer every single question you ask.” I crowd her against the wall and bring my mouth to her ear. “You just have to buy each one with a piece of clothing.”

Her mouth pops open, and I smirk, walking away.

“What if I have more questions than clothes?” she asks my back.

“Guess you’ll need to find a way to negotiate for them.”

A quick glance over my shoulder verifies she’s blushing, but she also holds a challenge in her eye. I wink before heading back to the bus.

Colton’s stepping out of the bathroom when I push through the curtain to the bunks. He’s fresh from a shower, and he tracks me while I grab my acoustic case. With a sigh, I roll my head toward him and flip him off for whatever he’s thinking.

But I know what he’s thinking. Then he voices it.

“How long are you going to do this to yourself?”

My face tips up as I consider his question, but I wind up answering with a shrug. “I wish I could tell you, brother.”

He runs a hand through his wet hair and nods. “You mind if I hang out while you torture yourself?”

“It wouldn’t be proper torture without your presence,” I tell him.

When we go inside, I set up in another dressing room. It has a similar layout to ours, only with extra mirror stations. Colton flops onto his back on the floor. The exasperated sigh that follows doesn’t go unnoticed.

I haven’t recorded anything to send my mom for a while, but the asshole on the floor reads me better than I like most of the time. He knows the drill. He knows the mood. He knows me. Better than Chase, if I’m completely honest.

It’s also because of Chase. Colton had always been my brother but as an extension of Chase. Then his accident broke both of us, changed us, bonded us how only he and I understand and in ways that can’t be undone.

I’d make a lot of what happened different in a heartbeat, but not me and Colt. As much as I hate the reason we fused, I can’t imagine a life where he isn’t right fucking here every step of the journey with me.

And he has been. Even if it’s simply existing in the same room when I need to not feel alone.

I start the voice note on my phone, setting it on the side table by the sofa. Nothing happens. My mind blanks, a heaviness washing over my limbs. Tired. But not in the final stretch of a world tour, seven songs deep in a new album way. I’m exhausted by the simple act of sitting here. By knowing any pride or joy my mom might experience won’t reach the surface. By having to admit I dread every interaction at this point because none of it matters.

You can’t save someone who doesn’t believe they need saving.

It seems my mind and body have surrendered to reality. Just my fucking heart still holding out.

“What were you playing the other day?” Colt drawls. He has an arm draped over his eyes, the other tucked under his head. “You’ve been humming it whenever you think, and now it’s stuck in my head.”

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