Page 92 of Revive Me

My heart drops. It’s Wednesday now, so that feels like an eternity.

“Oh. That’s right, I forgot that was this weekend.” I force a smile on my face, despite knowing how badly I’m going to miss her. “Are you excited for the break? You haven’t missed a day since I’ve been here.”

She softens at that. “Yeah, I am. It’s always nice to get some time with my family.”

I hum thoughtfully as I brush my lips over her jaw. “I know you’ll be busy, but…will you text me sometime?”

She nods, and then I’m kissing her again, so enveloped in bliss that nothing else registers.

It isn’t until later, when I’m psychoanalyzing every moment of tonight, that I notice her hesitation.

29

LILIANA

I think I’m in shock for the next hour. Once I leave the clinic, I drive home and immediately start packing for my trip. Somehow, having to decide between taking my red or black shorts is enough of a distraction to keep me from thinking about…anything else.

It isn’t until my head hits the pillow and sleepdoesn’tconsume me—in fact, it’s the opposite: I’m wide awake—that I start to spiral.

I had sex with Roman.

I had sex withRoman.

I had sex with a patient in the clinic.

Squeezing my eyes closed, I try to wrap my head around that sentence. But all it does is bring the memory into focus.

Roman’s lips on mine, his kiss equal parts hungry and sweet. The urgency he touched me with. The feel of him inside me?—

A shiver runs through my body, and I flip onto my stomach to bury my face in the pillow.

I haveneverhad sex like that. That was…otherworldly. Maybe it was the build-up, maybe it was the connection—whatever it was, that didn’t feel like just sex.

But that thought also makes my heart ache. Because that makes this so much more complicated than if it wasjust sex.

Flipping onto my back again, I let out an exhale heavy with frustration. This just got so much more complicated.

I should’ve known this was going to happen. God, I should’ve known fromday one.From the moment Roman kissed me two years ago, I should’ve known there was no way I could be impartial to him.

Or if not then, there were a thousand other moments that should have clued me in. Jesus, how were there athousandmoments? The texting? The calling? The dinner date? The flirting? I’ve crossed so many boundaries with justifications.

When I think about Trivia Night, and the kiss it ended with, shame settles over my skin like a layer of dirt. Even remembering how badly I wanted Roman to kiss me that night, and how nothing could have prepared me for it when he finally did, I have no excuse for not doing the right thing, theethicalthing, after that.

Wincing, I push off my bed and grab a towel, hoping a shower might clear the fog from my head. I try to convince myself that I’m not turning the water all the way to blue to punish myself.

Ice-cold water should be the least of my punishments. If I hadn’t been deluding myself, sweeping all the signs under the rug, I may have been able to stop this train. Because tonight, it completely tore off the tracks.

Maybe the freezing water does help, because by the time my teeth start chattering, I’m numb both inside and out. I pull my sweats back on with shaking hands and slide under my comforter once again.

The moment I’m enveloped by heat, exhaustion claims me.

* * *

The next day is a blur. Between the 5 a.m. flight that’s only the beginning of a hectic travel day, and the same-day hike that my dad scheduled for us right after touchdown—in order for us to “fight the jet lag”—I barely have time to catch my breath, let alone think about the ticking time bomb that is my career path.

The canyons are gorgeous. The white sandstone walls look like they’re out of a National Geographic picture, and rappelling down them is a rush. When we reach the hike’s main destination and look between the canyons at the pond we’re about to drop into, the sight is so beautiful that it knocks any other thought out of my head.

The next day is much of the same. We’re up early, already half an hour into the hike by the time the sun peeks over the horizon. Today’s hike is the big one. It’s also the main reason I picked Utah as the destination for this year’s family trip. Thankfully, the views are even more stunning today than the ones yesterday, keeping my attention soundly on my next step and nothing else.

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