Page 94 of Revive Me

“Uh…the view over here might help even more in a second,” Colin comments from a few feet ahead, the awe in his voice obvious.

That effectively ends the entire conversation, because now we’re all too curious not to check what he sees. The three of us walk over to where Colin is standing, looking down over the canyon edge.

“Holy fuck,” Sean murmurs.

Holy fuckis right. It’s probably one hundred feet to the bottom, but where I expected the bottom to be sand or rock, it’s the prettiest blue water.

“Wow,” Dad whispers, in awe. “That’s incredible.” He looks up at me with a smile. “I’ll say it again: good pick, Liliana.”

I return the smile with one of my own, the sight before us somehow driving all my panicked thoughts about Roman to the back of my mind.

For a little while, at least.

* * *

They come flooding back the next day.

When I get a text from Roman that says,Can’t wait to see you on Monday. Hope you’re having a fun weekend.

I drop my head back against the lounge chair, my eyes sliding closed and my heart dropping into my stomach.

It’s the last night of our trip, and we’re going out to a restaurant. Everyone else is getting ready, but I needed a minute alone on the balcony of the hotel. Just to catch my breath.

That idea is shot to shit with Roman’s text coming through.

Because now, all I’m thinking about is Monday. About what I need to do on Monday.

I was already thinking it, but my family’s comments about Roman yesterday made it clear that I can’t keep treating him. I’m so far past the point of unprofessional and unethical that even the subconscious reasoning I was giving myself about our relationship not being harmful to Roman’s recovery isn’t enough. I need to transfer him to another physical therapist.

Fran already gave me the green light when I took him on as a patient. I know I could send her an email right now with a request to have him be treated by someone else, and she would transfer him without a question. This should be easy.

Shouldbe.

But in reality, there’s nothing about this that’s easy. Not the request of transferring, not the process, nothing.

Ihatethis. I hate the idea of not having sessions with Roman. Already, my heart is splintering at the thought of not seeing him, of not helping him on bad days and laughing together on the good ones.

And this could get so ugly. Roman already doesn’t do well with hiccups in his recovery, so what’s he going to do with a new therapist? Is it going to disrupt his therapy entirely? What if he stops making progress? All I’ve ever wanted for him is a better quality of life, and I’ll hate myself more than I already do if this ends up hurting him in the end.

And I don’t even want tothinkabout how he’s going to handle this in a non-physical therapy sense. I mean, it’s obvious there are feelings involved here. There’s a strong possibility he’s going to take this as a personal rejection. Which could have disastrous effects on his recovery by itself, as well as his mental health.

God, this is so bad. This isso bad.What was I thinking? How could I let things get this far?

And even as I spiral aboutwhat’s next, I don’t let myself contemplate the answer to that question. Because I know exactly what blinded me to my own actions.

Just as I know that I’m deluding myself about Roman being the only one who won’t handle this well.

Because I haven’t even done anything yet, and my heart is already broken.

30

ROMAN

I’m walking on cloud nine the entire weekend.

I can’t remember ever feeling this hopeful, or this light. Between the physical victory of walking and then opening a whole new connection with Lily, I feel likemeagain.

I think about texting Lily way too often, but I don’t want to bother her this weekend. I know how close she is with her family, and I don’t want to be that guy who pulls her away from that.

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