Page 34 of Levi

“You don’t understand. She told you about her illness. She told you about her Alzheimer’s and she admitted that she struggles with her memory…that’s not something she shares with most people. Hell, I probably wouldn’t know if I hadn’t been the one driving her to her doctor’s appointment that day.”

“Oh…” I say, biting my lip as I think of how to word this. I don’t want to lie to Levi and make him think that was new information. “About that…I’ve sort of known,” I tell him as I stare up at the Big Dipper like it’ll be able to transport me away from this moment.

“What?” he says, and his tone becomes more serious.

Sitting up, I look over at him, needing to really watch his reaction as I admit this story. I’ve always felt like an asshole that I was eavesdropping, and it wasn’t something I ever really wanted to admit to anyone because I was afraid of how he would react. But I guess now is as good of a time as ever.

“Remember when you and Ally were together?—”

“I try not to,” he deadpans, and I have to force back a laugh.

“There was one night I was going over to your and Ally’s place to drop something off for her, and before I could knock on the door, I heard you two arguing. I…I didn’t leave, so I heard you, and well, I guess you two were arguing about your nana.”

“I remember,” he says quietly, so I go on.

“You were telling her about that appointment…the one where the doctor confirmed that she had Alzheimer’s and recommended that she transition to assisted living. You were so concerned, but Ally, she just wasn’t. It was like she didn’t care because she was only worried about herself, and it killed me for you. I could hear the devastation in your voice and the passion when you told Ally that you were going to do everything you could to make sure she was taken care of. Hearing my sister complain about the cost of taking care of someone you love broke my damn heart, and it took everything in me not to walk through that door and punch her in the nose.”

I want to keep talking, rambling on to fill the space so that I can keep explaining and probably overexplaining this memory so that I don’t feel like he’s mad at me for not telling him after all these years. I just didn’t know how to tell him something so important, something that felt so violating for me to know without him ever sharing. Especially because when I learned this information, it was at a time we could barely even hold a conversation unless you count small talk about food or the weather, never anything of substance.

Besides, after he started dating my sister, she made sure the two of us were never alone, but that’s just because she knew then how I felt about him and didn’t want me to steal him away. Either way, there was never really a good time for me to tell him about it, so I never did.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” he says, perking up instantly. “That’s not what I’m saying. At all. Or I guess not saying because I sort of just went brain-dead when you brought up that day.”

“Huh?”

“That was the day that I realized Ally couldn’t truly be my forever. I mean, realistically, I always knew she wasn’t, but I at least hoped I was wrong, you know? It’s not like I wanted it to end. I didn’t go into a relationship with Ally assuming it was going to fail—that’d be fucked. I guess I was just young and dumb and sad enough to think maybe it could work out. I don’t know. But it was a shitty day, realizing I couldn’t pretend we were okay any longer.”

“That’s…hard,” I tell him, and it is. I’m sure it was hard going through it but damn, it’s hard hearing about it.

“It was. Especially everything that was going on with my nana.”

“Which is why you were determined to stay…even when Ally mentioned moving away.”

“You knew about that?”

“Yeah, she told me she would take you away from me,” I start, and his eyes widen.

Fuck. I shouldn’t have said any of this.

“Take me away…from you?”

“Yeah…I’m not sure…I mean Ally always sort of seemed annoyed about our friendship, jealous but vindictive, like she needed to do something about it.”

“You mean, the girl who was engaged to me…the one who cheated on me, was jealous of our friendship? Make that make sense.”

“Couldn't even if I wanted to,” I mumble because I still hate talking about this.

“There has to be a reason why she would think that…right?” Levi pushes, and I can feel his eyes engrained on my face, the feel of it burning a hole in the side of my head, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.

I’m afraid if I look at him, if I let him really look at me, he’ll fall deep in the trenches of my feelings, my memories, and he’ll know exactly why Ally was concerned.

No matter how much I have tried to deny it, I can’t let him know that I’ve been in love with him for years because then I’ll just be made the fool, again.

“Look at me,” he demands, and I know damn well he’ll get what he wants. I’ll do it willingly, so fighting it now is useless.

Forcing nearly all emotion off my face, at least those that give away my lies, I turn to look at Levi. “No, there was no reason,” I declare, not missing the wave of defeat that crosses his eyes before quickly vanishing into the depths, masked by his usual flirtatious grin.

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