Page 59 of Still Made For You

“I won’t need to do any of that because you’re not going anywhere.” I needed to tell myself this more than him. It didn’t matter what he said. I refused to believe this would be the end. It couldn’t be.

“I remember when Gee first brought you home. I’d never seen my boy so excited about anyone in his life. When we dropped him off on the campus, he swore he couldn’t wait to get out there and live the true college experience. I remember joking with him, telling him he’d be in a relationship by the end of the year. He denied it, swearing he’d be the ultimate playboy, but I knew better.

My sons are lover boys, so it came as no surprise when he brought you home for Christmas break, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Tammy swore you were the one for him, but I wasn’t convinced. Truthfully, I hoped he would get out there and fuck as many women as possible.” He admitted. My nose turned up from his revelation.

“Then I got to know you better. I witnessed the way you loved my daughters as well as my son. When River got into that car accident after her school dance, you got in your car in the middle of the night to see about my baby. I knew right then, and there you really cared about my family. For that reason, you’ll forever have my love.” His words felt like a goodbye, which made me uncomfortable.

“Yooo!” Law’s voice boomed through the foyer. I wondered if Prosper would try to hide his bottle, but in true fashion, he poured another glass.

“What y’all got going on in here?” The jazz music played in the background.

“What’s up, son?” Prosper used his cane to stand up to hug Law. I snapped a picture on my phone to capture the moment. Prosper wasn’t the most affectionate man, so he rarely gave out hugs unless requested. It made me realize how much this illness had affected him.

“I know your ass isn’t drinking no damn whiskey. You’re hardheaded as hell!” Law hissed.

“Who’s drinking whiskey? I know damn well it’s not pops.” Renegade scolded, rushing over to snatch the bottle from the table. He sauntered over to the sink and poured the remainder of the liquor down the drain. I expected his father to put up more of a fight, but he simply shook his head.

“I’ve gotten my buzz now,” he shrugged, with an unbothered expression on his face.

“What the hell are you doing? The doctor made it abundantly clear you aren’t supposed to consume any liquor. It’s like you don’t give a damn about your own health! Do you understand the seriousness of your prognosis?”

“Do you? I’m not going to get better, son. No matter how many bland meals you force down my throat. No matter how much medicine they try to put into me. Why can’t you see that?” Renegade’s chest heaved up and down. Law appeared visibly upset while Renegade’s face reddened with anger.

“So, this is how you’re going to go out? Huh? Like a bitch!” He yelled. I stood from my seat due to his outburst.

“Aye, little nigga, I may be sick, but don’t you fix your mouth to disrespect me. I may be the person who raised you and your siblings, but I’m also the same mothafucka who held court in the streets behind my respect! Don’t let this sickness get you fucked up!” Both of them were mild-tempered for the most part, so I knew this stemmed from fear and emotions.

“I’m glad you remember who you are because it seems as if you’ve forgotten. My whole life, you taught us to never give up even when it seemed as if we’d lost the battle. You raised us to be warriors and not to allow fear to stop us. What happened to that man? How can you sit here and give up? Are we not worth fighting for? Huh? Tell me something!” Renaged roared. I wiped my tears with the back of my shirt.

“To you, I’m giving up, but I see it as me accepting my fate. I’d much rather enjoy my time with my family than spend my days sick with no energy to even lift my head! I taught you to be strong, which means I can count on you to carry on my legacy with honor.”

“Pops-” Prosper held his hand up, cutting Law off.

“I’m not saying I’m not going to fight I’m simply asking you to respect my wishes. A life with rules and restrictions isn’t a life I desire to live. Stop handling me as if I’m about to crumble where I stand. I’ve given you all the tools I know, so don’t sit here and act as if you won’t be able to survive without me. You will! I’ve made sure of it. I may not have made all of the right choices in life, but I raised some warriors.

Don’t you ever question my love for my children! I’d lay down my life for each one of you with no questions asked. However, you have your own life to live now. I’ve done my job as your father. Now, it’s time for you to create your own families to pour into. I’m going to fight until my last day, but on my terms.” It wasn’t what they wanted to hear, but he spoke his truth. Prosper embraced his sons, whispering in their ears. I discreetly captured it on video in hopes it might bring them comfort one day in the far future.

***

“You’restillup,”Myhead snapped in the direction of his voice. The clock above the stovetop read 2:28am, yet here I stood, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“I see you’re still eating like a starving college student.” He smirked, brushing his shoulder against mine. We locked eyes for a moment before he grabbed the other half of my sandwich.

“Hey, I made this sandwich for me. If you’re hungry, you should have asked for one.” He ignored me, taking a bite out of the middle of it.

“It won’t taste the same.” He shrugged as if his words made sense. I rolled my eyes at him.

“Having trouble sleeping?” I inquired. I’d heard him doing some kind of workout a little earlier.

“Yeah, I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m trying not to let it consume me, but it’s easier said than done.” I completely understood what he meant. It’s been the same way for me lately.

Ever since Renegade re-entered my life, things have been so confusing. On the one hand, I’m glad to be here during this difficult time in his life. However, I find myself second-guessing the smallest things. I’ve always known where I stood in his life up until now, and it bothered me. I felt guilty for even dwelling on it, considering what his family was going through, so I talked myself out of bringing it up. I guess I just wanted to know what happened next. Like I told his father, we haven’t spoken much about our past since the day he showed up at my house. I wanted it to be on his terms, even though I wasn’t sure of the outcome.

“What’s on your mind? Talk to me,” I peered up at him. The worry lines etched on his forehead were an indication of how stressed he must be.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. Dragging his hand down his chin.

“I feel like I’m in limbo with everything right now. This shit with my Pops really has me messed up, if I’m being honest. I keep a strong face on around my family and siblings, but it’s eating me up. I’m a fixer, you know? I’ve prided myself on having the answers, but this is different. For the second time in my life, I’m completely lost.”

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