Page 41 of Still Made For You

“Why did you keep this from me?! Did you think I wouldn’t protect you? You ran from me instead of giving me the opportunity to be there for you!” My tone raised, and I knew I needed to take a moment to reel it in.

“I knew you wouldn’t look at me the same!” She cried out. It broke my fucking heart all over again.

“That’s not true! You didn’t even give me the chance to show you. I loved you, Saya! What the hell do you think would have changed from you telling me the truth?!” I roared.

“I wanted to, but I couldn’t handle anyone else's emotions at the time. Between the healing, both mentally and physically, it took a while for me to face anyone. My parents were the only ones I allowed around me because the last thing I wanted was a bunch of people feeling sorry for me. After those men were mysteriously murdered, it was all anyone could talk about.

Every time I logged into social media, I was faced with tributes and posts about them, and it triggered me. By the time things finally started dying down, a month had passed. I begged your father not to tell you about what happened. There was a part of me that blamed you and Prosper for sending those men to the house, so I didn’t want to face you. Then, the other part of me wanted to protect your mental because deep down, I knew it would hurt you.

As soon as I started getting more comfortable going out in public, I learned that I was pregnant. Of course, the news sent me spiraling because I knew it had to be one of them. My parents told me you and your family were still trying to reach me, but once I heard my son’s heartbeat for the first time, I knew I had to let you go. It was one thing to tell you I’d been attacked, but I knew there was no way you would accept a baby that wasn’t yours. Especially one that was created from rape. I believed in my heart you would not agree with me keeping him, so I walked away for good. I never wanted to be in a position where I had to choose between the two of you, because I knew that regardless of how much I loved you, he was a part of me. I’ve always been taught that every child is a blessing, and I knew he was placed inside of me for a reason. It broke my heart to have to walk away from you because no one else has ever loved me the way you did, but I had no choice.” It took a second to process her words, and as much as I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, I couldn’t.

Saya and I used to spend hours talking about the family we would create for ourselves, and I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure how I would have reacted. I knew anger would have been the strongest emotion of them all.

“Damn, I-I don’t even know what to say because I wasn’t expecting this. I’m not upset at you for doing what you felt you had to do, but it’s still hard for me to handle. Those days after you left, I beat myself up trying to come up with a reason for why you had left. I blamed myself without even knowing the truth, so to hear this shit, really breaks my heart. Physically, there wasn’t much I could have done, but Saya, you have to know I would have never abandoned you. I can’t say it would have been easy for me to accept you carrying another man’s baby, but over time, I would have come around. You were my entire world, girl. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for you, including being a father to your child. In that moment, there were a lot of moving factors, and you did what you thought was right. I guess I want to believe our love was strong enough to conquer anything. A part of my heart left when you did, and if I’m being honest, I haven’t been the same since.”

“Renegade, I never wanted to hurt you, and I need you to know that. All I could picture was the disappointment on your face when you saw my growing belly. I panicked, and I’m so sorry. I should have told you everything, but all I could think about was protecting my own feelings from possible rejection.” Dragging my hand down my face, I sat there thinking about what to do next. This visit hadn’t gone anything like I’d planned, and for the first time in a long time, I had no answers.

“I thought coming here was going to give me the closure I needed, but I’m more confused than ever. I never saw any of this coming at all. In my mind, you abandoned me because you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“I would have never walked away if I felt like I had a better option. My parents tried to talk me into going to visit you, and I wish I’d listened to them. It took me so long to stop blaming myself for everything that happened. My biggest fear was that you would judge me, too. I’m so sorry.” She started crying again, so I pulled her into my lap. Sitting here with her in my arms made me feel as though she was right where she needed to be.

No words were spoken as she rested her head on my chest. My anger subsided the moment our bodies made contact. Saya was home for me, and she always had been. After a few more moments of silence, the two ended up drifting off to sleep. When I woke up again, it was three in the morning, and I knew I’d fucked up.

Gently, I carried up down the hallway until I found her bedroom. I tried to lay her down on the bed, but she clutched my shirt in her hands.

“Can you stay? I know you probably have somewhere you need to be right now, but I’d really appreciate it if you stayed. I’m not ready for you to leave yet.” Her request pulled at my heartstrings, reminding me of the hold she possessed over me.

Telling her no had never been an easy thing for me, and she knew it, too. I stood there for a moment, debating whether or not I should stay. My heart wanted to say yes, but was this really the right decision to make? Being in her presence, even for this short time, opened my heart up to feelings I’d long since buried in the past. Protecting Saya came second nature to me, right along with loving her. It’s crazy how fast I jumped right into action the moment I saw her crying at the door. The time we’d spent apart became a thing of the past when I realized she needed me.

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep, then I’ll head out.” The lie sounded funny the moment I let it out, knowing there was no way I’d be taking a two-hour drive home this early in the morning. Deciding not to even dwell on it, I pulled my shirt over my head, sauntering over to the opposite side of the bed. After removing my pants, I got in next to her. Saya being in a vulnerable state made me more mindful of the way I handled her. Blurring the lines wouldn’t be helpful for either of us, so I’d move on her terms. We lay in the dark with silence surrounding us. My body felt tense because I found it difficult to get comfortable.

“Are you okay?” Saya probed, probably picking up on the awkward energy exuding from me.

“Naw, If I’m being honest, I can’t seem to fall asleep.” I admitted, leaving out the reason behind my struggles.

“Talk to me. You’re not thing only one who knows how to be a good listener.” She giggled. The sound itself calmed the nerves inside of me.

“Finding you wasn’t my idea,” I revealed.

“My family’s been joking with me about how I’m not over you even though I’ve convinced myself it wasn’t true. Now I’m laying here beating myself up because if I’d put my pride aside, we wouldn’t have been apart for so long.” It plagued me to think she’d been alone this whole time.

So many nights, I woke up in a cold sweat with thoughts of her, and instead of taking it as a sign, I brushed it off in order to protect my own feelings. Rewriting the past was impossible, so the only thing left to do was make the best out of the present.

“If anyone has regrets, it’s me. We both made choices we thought were for the best, and for the most part, they were. I can’t speak about what the future will look like, but I don’t hold any grudges against you. If I know nothing else in this world, it’s that you loved me in the best way possible. I’ll always be grateful for the time I was able to be loved by you.” My eyebrows raised as she spoke in past tense.

“You’re saying that as if I’ve ever stopped. When I gave you my heart all those years ago, it came with no expiration date. I’ve been with plenty of women in our time apart, but only one person can ever say they held the keys to my heart. My love for you is everlasting, whether we’re together or not.” Kissing the top of her forehead, I yanked her closer to me. Tomorrow came with many uncertainties, but for tonight, I chose to be in this moment. I needed to be back in our world where everything made sense, and nothing could come up against us.

***

“Umm,doyouneedto get that?” Saya groaned next to me. I’d almost forgotten where I was until she spoke to me. Rolling over, I stared down at her in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” My phone had been going off, but I’d been sleeping so hard I hadn’t noticed.

“My bad, I thought I put it on do not disturb.” Clicking the side button, my notifications were full causing my heart to drop. There would have been no room for alarm if it wasn’t for the fact that the majority of the calls were from my father’s in-home nurse and my granny. Shooting up from the bed, I dialed the nurse first because I knew she’d be the least emotional of the two.

“Renegade, I’m so sorry to be calling you like this, but your father passed out on the way to the bathroom this morning. When I tried to wake him up, he was unresponsive. He’s been rushed to the emergency room!” Rhena shouted into the phone. While she spoke, I’d been putting my clothes on because I knew I needed to get on the road.

“What did the EMTs say? Were they able to get him to wake up? Is he okay? How long has it been since they left?” I cursed under my breath, knowing I’d have a long ass drive ahead of me. My nerves were shot to the point I wanted to break down right where I stood.

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