Page 25 of Still Made For You

“Well, daddy? what do you expect? Did you think that she was just going to sit around forever while you cheated on her behind her back? I love you and all but let’s be real here. You and mom have been married for years, but how many of those years have you been faithful to her?” I questioned. The guilty look on his face told me everything I needed to know.

“It’s complicated. I never set out to intentionally hurt your mother, but at the same time she knew what type of life I lived before she got with me. She never had a problem with it before, so I don’t understand what caused the sudden change.” Baffled. That was the only word that I could use to describe my current state of mind. I couldn’t believe this man was sitting here confused about why his wife no longer wanted to be with him anymore.

“Situations change; people do too. I can’t really make any excuses for her but I’m sure she probably assumed this was something you would grow out of when you got older. No offense, dad, but you’re too old to be doing stupid shit like this. If you can’t keep your dick in your pants, then you have no business being married in the first place. Why are you trying to hold onto her so hard if you have no intentions on doing right by her?” I posed the question, knowing he probably didn’t have an answer himself.

“I know you probably are looking at me like I deserve this and you’re right. However, it doesn’t change how I feel. Your mother is the only woman I’ve ever loved, and I can’t see my life without her in it,” he admitted. Truthfully, this is the most romantic I’ve ever heard him speak of my mother. I had convinced myself the relationship was nothing more than a business because that’s how they carry themselves. I rarely see them show any affection towards one another unless their drunk or in front of company.

“Words mean nothing if they’re no actions behind them. If you truly love her and wanted to make this marriage work, then you would get your shit together. You can’t ask someone to sign up for a lifetime of hurt and think they won’t want to leave. Maybe you should consider therapy. Lord knows it’s done the world of good for me.” The fact that I’m even sitting here suggesting therapy proves that it’s working.

I’ve always been the type of person to run for my problems, but now I’ve found a more constructive way to communicate my feelings. Some scars from my past were still present. However, I’ve come so far from where I was. A lot of people in the Black community look at therapy as some type of stigma when we really need it more than anyone. Sweeping trauma under the rug doesn’t provide any healing. All it does is leave unhealed wounds to fester and grow even larger.

“I don’t know how I feel about that therapy mess. I don’t like the idea of having a stranger in my business, telling me what to do or judging me,” he vented. Of course, I expected nothing less because he knew nothing about therapy or what it actually entails.

“So, what are you willing to do to get your wife back because it doesn’t seem like you’re ready to change?” I spat. He woke me out of my sleep with the impression that he had something important to talk about. To me this was something that could have waited until tomorrow.

“It sounds to me like you don’t think I deserve a second chance,” he called out. He’s damn right I definitely feel that way, but it wasn’t my decision to make. Ultimately, if my mother wanted to take him back, it was her choice. All I wanted him to do was recognize that he needed to work on himself before he focused on a relationship. Otherwise, they would just end up in the same place they are in now.

“Daddy, I love you, and a part of loving you means that I have to tell you the truth. You’re one of the reasons why it took me so long to be in a relationship. For years, I watched you disrespect my mother, thinking that that’s what all men do in their relationships. I’ve watched her pace the floors, checking her phone and sitting by the window waiting for you to come home. Crying in the wee hours of the morning when you let the sun beat you home.

I vowed that I would never allow a man to treat me that way. When I met Wisdom, all I could think about was the tears, I saw my mother cry over the years. I refused to open my heart up to have it broken by the man that I trusted. That’s the example that you set for me. You are an amazing provider and a pretty great dad, but you’re a shitty husband.” My words probably came out harsher than I intended it, but I hope the message resonated within his soul. There was no point in sugarcoating this shit because it wouldn’t get any better.

“Damn, I’m not even sure what to say.” He sighed, resting his elbows on his knees.

“I think the best thing you can do for yourself is figure out what you really want. It’s time for you to grow up, Dad. Mom is a grown woman, so if she wants to be with you then she will be, but ask yourself if you would put up with this if the shoe were on the other foot?” he sat there in silence for a moment.

The two of us had never had such an intense conversation before, but I hope that helped. It felt good to express some of the feelings I have been holding in for years. I thank God every day that Wisdom did not give up on me because I never would’ve had the opportunity to be loved by such an incredible man. A lot of times we stand in the way of our own blessings, because we’re holding our future accountable for our past traumas.

If nothing else, therapy had taught me the importance of healing. I could’ve easily damaged Wisdom, and our relationship because of the scars I carried in my heart. My father never told me much about his childhood but from the little bit I did know, he possessed his own set of scars. He’ll never be the man he needs to be until he addresses the issues inside of him. He’ll continue to leave a trail of hurt behind him until he does.

“Do you think I should give up on my marriage and let your mama go?”

“Only you have the answers to that. I believe in my heart that you love mama, but love is an action word. I can tell you I love you all day, but if I never show you, then, what would you believe?”

“I never imagined the day that I would be coming to my daughter for advice. You’ve grown into an amazing woman. You’ve always been street smart, but now I can see just how much you’ve grown. I’m sorry I haven’t been the man you needed as an example. I’ve been so selfish over the years, and now I’m realizing just how much damage I’ve caused.

All the women in my life are upset with me and I deserve it. This time apart from your mother has really opened my eyes to see how badly I fumbled with my family. I thought if she loved me, then she would never leave me, but I haven’t been holding up my end of the deal either. We’re supposed to become wiser with age, but even I can admit that I have some growing up to do.” His head dropped. Like I said before, I felt no sympathy for him. Accountability is necessary for anyone to grow.

“I’m not upset with you. I love you regardless of the mistakes that you’ve made because no one is perfect. However, it’s time for you to make some changes in your life. You’re about to be a grandfather to these babies, and I need you to set a better example for them than you did for us.” I rubbed my belly, thinking about the two growing babies inside of me. Although I wanted them to stay in there for as long as possible, I couldn’t wait to meet them.

“I have let you down more times than I can count and I’m sorry for that. When I see the way, your husband loves on you, it makes me realize how much I’ve messed up. I’m happy you were able to find happiness because you deserve it. I haven’t been here for you the way I should be and that’s my fault. I’m not going to make any promises to be better in the future. I’m going to let my actions speak for me this time.

“I love you, Toots. You’re going to be a great mom.” He stood up to hug me, so I held my hand out for him to help me up.

“Toots, you’re barely pregnant and you’re already doing the most.” he chuckled. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a smile on his face.

“Oh, I’m milking this pregnancy for everything it’s worth. Blame my husband because he spoils me.” I shrugged. It was no shame in my game. I loved the attention my husband gave me, and I didn’t hesitate to ask for whatever I wanted.

“You are something else.” My father hugged me before rubbing his hand across my belly.

“If your papa doesn’t get it together, you guys are going to have a step-grandpa,” I spoke to my belly. His face scrunched up in irritation, but I didn’t care. He should’ve thought about that shit before he decided to be a fuckboy.

“Really, Toots? That’s how you feel?”

“I’m just letting my babies know so they won’t be confused in the future.” I smirked, knowing I had hit a nerve.

“Naw, no, I’m not going for any of that. I’m getting my wife back before this year is over,” he declared. I’m not the one he needed to convince but I guess only time would tell.

“I love you, daddy. If you ever need me, I’m here. Just try not to need me when it’s my nap time.” I giggled, but I meant what I said.

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