Page 4 of Oh No, I Shot A Spaceship And Kissed An Alien Cyberchef

“Elana, feast your eyes on this beauty,” he says, proudly holding up what looks like a remote control. “The latest in perimeter defense technology.”

Elana’s eyes sparkle as she turns to her mate. “Ooh, is that the new model you wanted? The one with the targeting system?”

“The very same,” Sutek grins. “Want to take it for a spin later?”

I shake my head, amused by their enthusiasm for weaponry. Those two are certainly soul mates. Nothing says “true love” quite like a shared passion for things that go boom.

Sutek tosses the device in the air, likely trying to impress Elana. Only, he doesn’t catch it with the flourish he was clearly expecting. The remote slips from his grasp, skittering across the floor and stopping right at my feet. So much for alien grace and agility.

“I got it,” I say, bending down to pick it up. Thankfully this isn’t some laser gun that shoots randomly at the first bump. If it was, I’d be one of the first people backing up; I deter violence. Being turned into Swiss cheese isn’t on my to-do list today.

As my fingers close around the device, I feel something give under my thumb. A soft beep emanates from the remote, followed by a series of clicks.

A low rumble shakes the kitchen. Pots and pans rattle ominously on their hooks.

“What the hell was that?” I ask, looking around at the others. “Please tell me that was just everyone’s stomachs growling in unison for my delicious cooking.”

Sutek’s face has gone pale, his eyes wide. “Laura, what did you press?”

Before I can answer, a series of loud whirs echo through the building.

“I didn’t… I… You were joking about it controlling defenses, right?” My voice climbs an octave with each word.

It’s an ongoing joke that Sutek’s got turrets hidden on the hotel’s roof. That’s a joke, right? Please, universe, letit be a joke.

“Where’s the safety on this thing?” I cry out, waving the remote in Sutek’s direction.

“What safety?” He cries back, equally alarmed. “It’s just a remote! Why would it need safety? It’s the thing that keeps us safe!”

“It’s clearly not safe,” I cry as I shove the remote into his hands. “This thing needs a child lock, and for you to not throw it about like a toy!”

A deafening boom cuts me off, the force of it nearly knocking me off my feet. Nelan bursts out of the freezer, looking around wildly.

“Oh no,” I breathe. “Please tell me those aren’t-“

“What’s happening?” Nelan demands, eyes zeroing in on me. Like I’m the one that started this mess. Which, okay, technically I did, but it’s not like I woke up this morning thinking, “You know what would be fun? Starting an interplanetary conflict!”

“I think... I think I just shot a spaceship,” I admit, my voice small.

Nelan’s eyes widen in horror. “The only ship we are expecting today is the General’s…”

As if on cue, alarms begin to blare throughout the hotel. Sutek’s frantically pressing buttons.

“It’s not responding!” he growls.

“What do you mean it’s not responding?” I exclaim. “Can’t you just turn it off and on again or something? That works for computers, doesn’t it?”

I’m pretty sure that’s the extent of my IT knowledge, and apparently, it doesn’t translate well to alien weaponry.

Another boom shakes the building, and I can hear the faint sound of something large whooshing through the air outside.

“Brilliant idea!” Charlotte calls out. “We need to cut the main power.”

This is not how I imagined my morning going. All I wanted was to make some pancakes, maybe exchange a few barbs with Nelan, and get on with my day. Instead, I’m about to plunge an entire hotel into darkness to prevent an intergalactic incident.

“The control room’s in the basement!” Nelan shouts, dashing out the door. We all follow, somehow no one smacking into the swinging door. A small miracle. Given my luck, I’m surprised I didn’t get smacked in the face. Then again, the day is still young.

Nelan leads the way to a massive control panel covered in blinking lights and switches.

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