Page 86 of Dashing for Love

I’m such a fucking asshole.

“Matty?” she prompts again.

“I—” I blow out a breath. “I can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?”

I blink, unwilling to believe I let the words come out.

“You just said you can’t do this,” she continues, setting her fork down. “Can’t do what?”

A noise blares in my head, like what I imagine a tornado might sound like. I’ve never heard one, but I read somewhere once that they sound like trains. And it feels like I’m standing in front of one, waiting on it to run me down. A train, a tornado: it doesn’t matter. Both are going to decimate me.

“Matthew James Brodigan.” The words are supposed to sound harsh, but they don’t. They simply sound like a plea. “Tell me what you can’t do.”

Finally, I find my voice. “Us.” But the word cracks when it comes out. I try again. “I can’t do us.”

She breathes in tiny gasps of air, then reaches for her coffee. Lifts it, sets it down as if it weighs too much. Brings her napkin to her mouth, lays it on the table next to the eggs she never even cut into. Exhales.

“I’m…” But I stop. I’mwhat? I’m sorry? I’m scared? I’m an asshole? I’m kidding? There’s nothing to say. It’s done.

“Why?”

I meet her eyes. All I can do is repeat her question. “Why?”

She nods, blinks rapidly. When she speaks, her voice is watery. “I deserve as much, don’t you think?”

“Because…” I breathe. This shouldn’t be so hard.Fuck, the sound in my head. I need it to stop. If it would just stop, maybe I could think. Maybe I could make sense of all of this.

“Right. Got it.” She scoots her chair out and stands without another word.

I watch her leave the room, and suddenly, I’m angry. She doesn’t want to fight for us? Fine. We clearly don’t mean that much to each other if she can’t even be bothered to push for a reason. To push for answers. Maybe if she pushed, I could find the words. Hasn’t she been the one taking the lead this whole time? And now, when I really need her to step up, she doesn’t?

Ox’s proclamation that he always thought it would be me with Liv Stinson, of all people, was bad enough. But seeing Goldie’s reaction? That’s the ultimate sign.

We have to stop before we ruin everything.

A few minutes later, Goldie appears in the kitchen, an overstuffed tote on her shoulder and Kitty and Killer prancing around her legs, vying for attention. My heart nearly stops. What am I doing?

“I think I have everything here. But if I’ve missed something, just…” She doesn’t finish the sentence.

I keep my eyes on my plate as she walks past. I want to grab her hand and beg her to stay. To go to my knees and tell her I’m an idiot. That I’m scared and I know I don’t deserve her, but I’ll do whatever I need to do to convince her to stay with me forever.

But I don’t. I remain perfectly still.

And if I breathe deeply, hoping for one last inhale of her sunshine scent because I have no idea the next time she’ll even deign to be in the same room with me, then so be it.

Chapter 32

Goldie

WILLA

I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I need you to get down here and wait tables.

Goldie

This is me calling in.

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