Page 19 of Zac

“Do you need anything?” It’s a question I’ve been asked a lot lately.

Three times today so far to be exact. Every night before he goes to bed, and every morning before he starts his day. It’s sweet really, but I’m still not really sure how to take the attention. It’s something I am definitely not used to.

Zac is really sticking to his promise of making sure I’m not doing this alone. He delivered me and Grayson breakfast this morning, bright and early. Then he offered to take Grayson to daycare so that I could take my time getting ready for work and maybe have a little me time.

But I declined his offer because today is my day off. I’d planned to stay in my pajamas all day, Grayson too, and watch cartoons.

I am fully aware of the fact that I am an adult but I love what I love. I enjoy cartoons and animated movies. But not the crazy wild new age ones, I’m old school.DuckTales, Smurfs, Flintstones,all those I enjoyed as a kid. To be honest they were my saving grace in a shitty home, filled with nothing but hatred and dark days. They were my escape.

I am currently running through all the episodes ofRescueRangersand Gray is hooked. I love sharing this time with him. I’m like an adult kid, and I’m okay with that. These are the times I will always remember. Giving him all the things I didn’t have growing up. Creating lasting memories and loving every single opportunity I get to create another one.

It was a blankets and pillows on the couch, pizza and chocolate milk, crashing for an afternoon nap kind of day.

When I told Zac all of this, he actually looked a little jealous that he’d be missing it, saying he remembers doing that very thing with his parents when he was young. I wanted to ask him to stay and spend the day with us, but then he mentioned he had back-to-back appointments so I never said anything.

After he left, Gray and I settled in under a pile of blankets, and I’m not even sure what time the two of us dozed off. All I remember is waking up to my little boy touching the side of my face and telling me he was hungry.

I could have ordered in, could have thrown a Pop-Tart in the toaster. But instead I got the batter out and made my son a batch of waffles with a touch of cinnamon. When his face lit up, he dug in, without using syrup. So when he carried one off to the couch and got back under the blankets, I joined him. With a plate of waffles, his cup and mine, we settled in once more and laughed at the crazy little chipmunks on the screen doing all the crazy adventures.

I spent more time watching Grayson than the actual cartoon, loving his expressions and animated reactions to everything on the screen.

I’ll admit a big part of me wished that Zac was here with us. And then a bigger part of me lectured myself for wanting him there so badly. Letting myself believe there was something more than two friends could be dangerous. But even through the fear, I couldn’t turn off my thoughts.

He’d been there for more in such a short time, so much more than Grant or any other man for that matter, in my entire life. It was strange to have someone that cared, to have a friend I could turn to other than Aurora.

I still find myself holding back when it comes to Luna and Bree. I’ve known Bree a long time, but she is Aurora’s friend. I am the cousin that is a friend by default. Or at least that’s how I feel. The outsider hanging in the back of the crowd, trying to fit in.

I know it’s more in my head than anything because the girls are not like that. But it doesn’t stop my doubt. There are always doubts.

A hazard I picked up over the years.

My parents were not meant to be parents.

My father was a drunk, and a mean one at that. When he got a hold of a bottle of whiskey, he and my mom would end up fighting. I’m not talking about a yelling match, it was more like a boxing one. The both of them threw punches, and any other thing they could get their hands on.

I grew up thinking that was love. I know now that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Which is why I don’t let a day go by without telling Grayson that I love him. Right now it doesn’t faze him. I know one day that will change, but I refuse to give in. I will shout it across the playground or in the pickup line while he is walking to meet his friends. I never want him to have a day that he doesn’t believe that he is my number one.

When this baby comes, they will share that placement, because my kids will always be first.

* * *

I sit at the table of four and ignore the curious stares of the girls. I can feel them each watching me, hinting around but not yet coming out with the questions they obviously have.

It is actually hilarious how each of them are continuing to dance around the subject of Zac and I. But the truth is, he and I are friends. We’ve found this comfortable groove. He calls, I answer and we spend hours laughing and talking. I get weird random texts throughout the day, and wild memes are always in the mix.

If someone got a hold of our message thread I’d hate to see what they’d think. Communicating in gifs and half sentences has become our thing.

“Will someone just ask already?” Bree dances around in her seat like she has fire ants in her pants.

Lifting my gaze, I scroll around taking each one of them in.

“Ask what?” I fake ignorance.

“What’s going on with you and Zac?” Aurora is the one to ask. Leaning back in her chair, she places her hands on the edge of the table and waits.

“Yeah,” Luna adds, placing her elbows on the table, moving in closer like I’m about to share some incredible secret.

“Nothing.” I shrug, picking up a grape off the fruit plate and tossing it into my mouth. They all stare, none of them being satisfied with my response. “I’m serious,” I insist. “We hang out, we watch movies, order in and it’s a developing friendship.”

---