Page 129 of Ordinary Secrets

After an eternity, Arella peeks her head out and motions for me to enter.

Breathe,I remind myself. I’ve been forgetting to do that.

“So?” I say as an electric current of nerves shoots up my core. “What’s the verdict?”

“I just took them.”

“Okay?” I wave my hand in akeep goingmotion.

“Do you not know how these things work?”

“Not really. Don’t you just pee on it?”

“You have to wait two minutes for the results.”

“Oh.”

It’s the longest two minutes of my life. My heavy footsteps echo as I pace the tile back and forth. Arella remains at the sink, watching the four sticks intently. I can barely contain myself.

“Are they done now?” I ask like an impatient child.

“Yeah.”

I rush to the sink.What the hell?It’s just a bunch of lines. “What do they say?”

“They’re all positive.”

“What’s that mean? You’re positively pregnant or you’re positivelynotpregnant?”

She chuckles, making me feel stupid. “Positively pregnant.”

39

TREY

I’m pathetic.

We’ve confirmed that she’s pregnant, and the first thing I do when we arrive home is climb into bed and ask her to cuddle with me. She does and falls back asleep within minutes. I don’t blame her. She has to work in the morning, and because of me, she’ll be running on barely five hours of sleep.

I’ve got her back crushed to my front, and I’m pathetically gripping onto her like I never want to let her go. Because I don’t. Because I’m so fucking pathetic!

I shouldn’t want her. I should be telling her this is over. But I don’t. I’m too weak. I still need her like I need air to breathe. All I can think about is how I can convince her to leave the other guy and be with me—only me. And to love me—only me.

I’ll give her anything she wants.Anything.Does she want me to change? Name it. I’ll do it. Does she want me to give her more attention? Less? I’ll do it. Does she want me to find her a fluffy unicorn that shits glitter? What color, baby? I’ll fucking do it.

The longer I hold her, the more I fall apart inside. My thoughts keep diving deeper and deeper into a black hole ofI deserve this painandI’m not worth anyone’s love. That second thought is the one that keeps repeating in my head like anannoying beeping sound I can’t get rid of. Why did I think for even a second that Arella could love me back? What’s there to love about me anyway? I can’t do anything without fucking it up.

My chest won’t stop burning like I’ve swallowed hot coals. My throat’s dry like the goddamn Sahara. It’s hard to breathe because my lungs feel constricted. Every breath I suck in is laced with her scent. Someone else got this close to her. Close enough to smell her and touch her. Close enough to put his load inside her.

Someone else.

Someone else.

Someone else.

In the morning, we barely speak to each other. As Arella leaves for work in a rush, she tells me that she’ll come right back when she’s done so we can talk. That gives me a small sense of hope. Maybe that means she’s willing to work things out.

That hope quickly drains out of me as I watch her taillights disappear, and I’m left alone. It’s not long before my mind spirals again. How could this happen? What did I do wrong? What can I do moving forward to be a better man for her? To be the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

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