Page 87 of Puck You Very Much

“You told Matt about us?” She opened her mouth in disbelief.

“He guessed it—and Lucy, he’s right, okay? I thought my body was in love with you, but…” He scratched his neck uncomfortably. “Shit, I’m more like completely in love with you. I’m pretty certain I’m in love with you, although I have no comparison, but…yeah, I think this is what love feels like.”

Her eyes widened in horror.

“Yep, that’s how you want the other person to react to your declaration of love,” he murmured, shrugging helplessly. “Oh, well, what am I going to do?”

“Stop saying things like that! We’ve been sleeping together for three weeks. You can’tloveme yet.”

He sighed heavily. “God, I really don’t have the nerves to argue today, but fine: I think I was in love with you before I slept with you. You know, you’re…a challenge. And funny. And you care about the people you love. It’s never boring with you and…yes, that’s how it is. I like everything about you. Even the fact that you get angry too quickly. And kick in your sleep at night. And can be a pain in the ass.”

“I don’t kick in my sleep, I jog in my dreams. And…and…” She was at a loss for words. Her eyes burned, her heart burned, and a feeling between panic and bliss spread through her. A feeling she didn’t know what to do with. “No,” she whispered. “I can’t become dependent on you.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Dependent? You won’t become dependent on me.”

Her throat tightened and the first tear welled up in her eye. “But I already am.”

That was the cold, hard fact that the evening had shown her. She would have given up everything just to make him happy. She suffered when he suffered. She was angry with Jack because Dax was angry with Jack. She couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him that way.

“Shit,” she whispered and buried her face in her hands.

It was ridiculous. She should have realized it much earlier. It wasn’t merely her emotions that were dependent on Dax, her whole life was! And it had been going on longer than a few weeks.

“Dax, I’m already dependent on you,” she repeated quietly. “Dependent on you behaving so I can keep my job. Dependent on you wanting to keep your secret and me having to make a fool of myself so you can have your way. For the last year, I’ve been dependent on whether you had a good day or wanted to annoy me.” The lump in her throat grew and no matter how many times she swallowed, she couldn’t get rid of it. “And in the last few weeks, you’ve made me dependent on your smile and laughter. On your body, your warmth, your looks, and your kisses. On you being okay—because I suffer when you’re not!” She laughed dryly. “I swore that would never happen.”

“Lucy, you’re losing it,” Dax said forcefully, wiping the tears from her cheeks with his thumb and peering directly into her eyes. “That’s not dependency. That’s being in love. I know what I’m talking about, I have the same problem.”

She pursed her lips and shook her head. “Dependency, being in love, they’re one and the same, Dax.”

“No, they’re not,” he said. “All that crap…that I did on purpose to make you angry, and that you were at the mercy of my moods, I’m sorry, okay? I can’t express how much, but it’s in the past! And if keeping things secret bothers you…” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “Then tomorrow I’ll go see Leslie and tell her that Jack is my brother.”

“No,” she whispered, new tears replacing the old ones. “I don’t want that, Dax! Because that means you’re dependent on me. You shouldn’t base your decisions on me! I shouldn’t base mine on you…”

“Not based on, but factoring in!” he said louder. “I googledrelationship, Lucy, because I had no idea what the word truly meant. It means looking for solutions together. That you have your own life, but the other person naturally…”

“No,” she interrupted him, panic raging in her chest and confusing her thoughts. He had to stop talking. She didn’t want to hear it. “No, no, no!” She unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the door. She needed distance.

Love. Being in love. What did Dax know about these words? And what did she know about them? Absolutely nothing.

“Lucy!” Dax grabbed her wrist and looked at her almost pleadingly. “This evening was shitty—yet if you leave now, this will be the worst. So, please, can’t we talk about it? It’s not the end of the world that I want to be with you!”

“Not the end of the world. But too much,” she replied softly. And then she pulled her hand away from him, slammed the door, and ran to her apartment.

She wouldn’t end up like her father. It wasn’t too late.

Then why did her heart feel like it was already breaking?

Chapter 25

Dax wasn’t feeling well.

He felt…bad.

He simply didn’t have the energy to find words that were more precise for it than that.

In the last twenty years, he hadn’t missed a single practice. Shit, he’d even once been on the ice with a fever, until his dismayed coach had sent him home.

So the next day he just stayed home. He didn’t feel like seeing anyone, least of all Lucy, who would probably ignore him and make him feel like he was being stabbed in the chest with a hundred daggers. He knew Lucy wasn’t going to stay home; her job was too important to her. Her independent life was too important. More important than him.

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