Page 56 of Redeemed

My stomach turns.Am I really doing this?

“All right. You ready?”

“I…”

My mouth goes dry, and I stand there with my mouth half open, trying to figure out what to say. Other than Colton, my only experiences with sex have been the countless times I cried while Isaiah forced himself on me. Whenever someone touches me in that way, memories of Isaiah holding me down flood my mind, and I panic.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to move past it. And god, I’ve tried. I have over a dozen failed hookups under my belt. Some were willing to be gentle with me. Patient. But it never makes a difference. I always freak out at the last second.

“Hey.” Aaron steps closer, and his hands fall to my waist. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I’ve just…”

His eyebrows shoot upward. “Oh, shit. You’re a virgin?”

“Not—not exactly. But…”

Aaron gives me a minute to gather my thoughts, but when I don’t continue, he steps back. “Are you sure this is what you want for your first time? I know a lot of people care about that—want it to be special and shit. And…” He glances toward my phone. “Filming it for Colton? That’s a lot of extra pressure.”

My first time.Isaiah stole that from me, but there are other firsts.Consensualfirsts. And I wanted those to be with…

I wanted them to be with Colton.

“Haven?”

“This isn’t my first time,” I manage.

“But you said—”

“It’s just been a long time, that’s all. I’m good. I’m ready. Just… maybe we start off slow?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

Aaron pulls me to the bed, and I take a steadying breath. We’re both sitting on the edge when he cups my face in his hands and leans in. Alarms are already going off in the back of my mind, even when he whispers, “Just tell me if you need me to stop.”

Breathless already, I nod, somehow finding it in me to kiss him back when his lips meet mine. I’ve done this before, and usually I can handle it.

You’re okay,I tell myself as I force my hands to travel up Aaron’s torso. I almost shove him back when he picks me up and places me in the center of the bed, but I stop myself just in time.

“Breathe,” he tells me as he pushes my hair back from his face. “You’re really tense.”

“Sorry. Just nervous.”

“It’s okay. Just follow my lead, okay?”

If only it was that simple.

But I smile and nod, and when he gently tugs my crop top up, I let him pull it over my head. That familiar feeling of dirtiness—of guilt—creeps into my thoughts and mixes with the already-present dread.

“Beautiful,” Aaron murmurs.

That singular word helps push my thoughts back. I’m not dirty.Thisisn’t dirty. I’m not at Cornerstone, and Aaron’s touch is soft, the exact opposite of Isaiah. So when he kisses me again, I let myself relax.

You can do it. You can’t live in fear forever.

Just as I think I’m going to be able to do this, Aaron’s hands move to cup my breasts. Even though my bra is still on, the simple action feels like he’s stripping me bare. When he squeezes them lightly, my chest constricts, and a memory of Isaiah doing the same thing on our wedding night sends a wave of nausea through me.

I jerk back, my voice panicked as I blurt, “Wait. I—I don’t think I can—” My voice falters when Aaron squeezes again. “Wait, Aaron, stop.”

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