Page 205 of Redeemed

My heart squeezes. It feels like he read my mind. Or maybe he was already thinking the same thing?

“Yeah,” I whisper.

Lucas sighs. “I missed you. Still do. Who we used to be, anyway. I’ve always hated myself for it, but now I don’t know.” His hand runs over my hair a few times in silence, and then he lets out an almost-resigned sigh. “Maybe there was a reason I couldn’t let you go.”

Tears fill my eyes out of nowhere. It’s not a real answer, but I cling to it anyway. And as I drift off, I find myself not wondering if they could ever forgive me, but if I could ever forgive them.

Because there’s no denying it anymore.

I want to.

Haven

FortheentireweekI’m on my period, the boys don’t ask anything of me. Instead of the crop tops and tiny shorts they’ve been making me wear, they give me more comfortable clothes. Sweatpants, T-shirts, hoodies—even a pair of leggings. They let me keep them once my cycle is over. Given Lucas’s reaction when I made a comment about wanting to be comfy, I suspect he’s the one who fought for this.

The boys also allow me to visit Athelia a few times, but only if we don’t leave the house. It helps me to not feel so cooped up, but I miss going outside. I miss being free.

Since Isaiah has now connected me to the guys, we’re able to get some things I need out of my dorm. Textbooks, clothes, my laptop, stuff like that. It helps me settle into life a little easier, but I struggle with not being able to leave the house often.

Xander finds me one afternoon in mid-December staring out the living room window. Snow is floating down lazily outside, but it’s been too warm out to stick.

He stays silent as he comes within my reach and offers me some M&M’s. At this point, I think he must always have a bag on him, no matter where he is or what he’s doing.

“Thanks,” I mumble, taking a few.

He’s quiet for another minute before he clears his throat. “I, uh… I’ve been thinking.”

I turn away from the window to face him. Based on his tone, this is really important to him.

“When I was a kid, I got bullied a lot,” he starts. “I learned to hold my own when I got older—got into fights a lot—and eventually the bullies learned to leave me alone. But… shit, I don’t think this makes any sense. I… fuck.”

Tilting my head, I watch as Xander tries to piece together what he needs to say. He looks flustered. Nervous, even.

“I know what it’s like,” he finally says. “I know how miserable it is to wake up every morning and know there’s someone out there planning on making your day a living hell. And you… what we did to you…”

Oh.I truly had no idea where he was trying to take this until that last sentence. Now everything is starting to make sense.

Xander takes my hands. “We never should’ve hurt you like that. I promised myself as a kid that I’d never turn into a bully, and I failed at that.”

“Yeah,” I say quietly. I don’t want to rub it in—not when he’s trying to apologize—but he’s right.

Guilt crosses Xander’s expression, and he gets onto his knees in front of me so I’m looking down at him instead of the other way around. My fingers are threading through his dark hair before I realize what I’m doing. Despite what he did, I don’t like seeing him in pain.

“And then seeing you in the woods when Isaiah found you,” Xander continues. “Hearing the things he said to you? I can’t believe I ever thought making your life harder would be justified. I mean, I didn’t know about Isaiah back then, but I still knew that the cult fucked you up. Haven, I… I’m so sorry.”

Even though I knew he was going to say that, I stare at him in shock. I didn’t think I’d ever get an apology from any of the boys.

“I’m not asking for your forgiveness,” Xander says. “That’s yours to give when you’re ready.Ifyou’re ever ready. I just… I couldn’t let this sit any longer. I wish I could take it all back, Haven. I wish I could go back to Halloween night and tell our younger selves to work through the hurt and stick together.”

Tears flood my eyes. I’ve had the same thought countless times. “Xan—”

“We never should’ve abandoned you. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of what we did to you.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Relief floods his expression. It’s not forgiveness—he knows I’m not there yet—but it’s an acknowledgment, and I think that’s all he was hoping for.

Sniffling, I slip off my seat and directly into Xander’s lap. I kiss him with both my hands in his hair. He’s seemed more contemplative over the past couple weeks, and now I know why.

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