Page 193 of Redeemed

“I’mtired,Colton. I’d rather not feel anything at all.” Her voice breaks at the end, and she hides her face in her hands.

Dammit.I shouldn’t have pushed, but I need her to remember all the things Isaiah did to her. I need her to remember the pain and the fear and the misery. How else are we going to convince her to let us kill him?

Gently, I pick Haven up and carry her toward the stairs.

“What—what are you doing?” she asks, even as her legs wrap around my waist.

“You said you needed to shower.”

“But—”

“Shh. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel. Bottling it up will only make it worse.”

It’s something my mom used to tell me when I was a kid. I never believed her until after she was gone.

Haven buries her face in my neck and sobs. I cradle her body against mine as I make my way into my bathroom. After I turn the water on, I set her down and gently lift her shirt up and over her head. She follows me numbly into the shower, still crying softly.

“Your clothes,” she says unevenly as the water soaks them.

“Don’t worry about me.”

My only priority right now is making sure Haven feels safe. She’s already vulnerable enough. Taking my clothes off will only make her think I want something from her, and I don’t.

Gently, I push Haven under the stream of water. “Let’s get your hair wet.”

“I don’t—” She sniffles. “I don’t understand why you’re in here with me.”

“Don’t want to leave you alone.” I run my hands through her hair until it’s all wet, and then I grab her shampoo and squirt some into my palm. “That enough?”

“I can—”

“Is it enough?”

“Yeah.”

I start by massaging the shampoo into her scalp, and then I work my way downward. For some reason, it makes Haven start crying again. She’s trying to stop it, I can tell, but she’s too upset. She has an entire lifetime of abuse sitting on her shoulders, and the weight is too heavy.

“I miss my siblings,” she whispers as I rinse out her hair.

“I know, angel.”

“And I…” She scrunches her eyes shut, and her tears are instantly washed away by the water. “I…”

“You what?”

“I wish I’d never been born,” Haven sobs. “I wishhe’dnever been born. I wish my dad had listened to my mom when she begged him not to make me marry Isaiah. I wish she’d fought harder instead of submitting to him like she always does, I wish—I wish—”

Silently, I move on to her conditioner, letting her formulate her thoughts. I’m almost done threading it through her hair when she finally speaks again, quiet and defeated.

“I wish I’d never told Mark about the briefcase. I wish I’d trusted you. I wish…” Her body is wracked with a silent sob. “I wish you could forgive me. I miss you, Colton, and I’m so sorry.”

My heart stops.

This isn’t the first apology she’s given me, but this time hits me differently. Haven has owned my heart since the moment I first saw that picture of her staring up at the stained glass window. Even when I hated her, all my actions were driven by thoughts of her.

I yank Haven into me. Both my arms lock her in so she can’t get away. My feelings are still conflicted, but I’m not going to ignore her after what she just said.

“I miss you, too,” I tell her quietly.

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