Page 165 of Redeemed

Second, I didn’t think I’d be able to take what the boys wanted to do to me. I was sure I’d have to tap out, but my memories of Isaiah stayed in the background. It made me realize something that’s been hovering just below the surface of my subconscious for months now.

My fear of Isaiah is stillverypresent, but it’s not the biggest thing that’s holding me back anymore. Since the moment I was old enough to have my own coherent thoughts, guilt has haunted to me. Every sin I committed was like a visible mark on my skin, and each time I looked at myself, I was reminded of how far I fell short of God’s standards.

I’ve tried to claw free from the beliefs I grew up with, but some are embedded too deep. What I was taught about sex is one of those things.

According to Cornerstone’s theology, a woman having sex with someone who’s not her husband is tossing aside the sanctity of marriage that God created it to have. Add in the fact that I’m married, and I’m committing adultery, too.

That’swhat’s been holding me back, not my fear of Isaiah.

My heart can’t let go of those beliefs. It can justify sex work as a means of survival—well, sometimes, anyway—which I suppose is the loophole that’s allowed me to make some semblance of a living. But having sex voluntarily? Enjoying it?

It’s a sin. Wrong.Dirty.

Unless I’m being forced.

I sit with that through the rest of the movie. How stupid is it that I’m trapped by beliefs that I rejected years ago? How sad is it that I need to be forced into a position, tied down, and degraded to be able to do something that everyone else seems to be able to do without an issue?

Why do I have to be like this?

At some point, I think the guys notice that I’m upset. Colton pulls me into his body until my head is resting on his chest, and Xander starts gently petting my hair. Tears—of shame, of confusion, of heartache—fall onto my cheeks, and when a sob finally works its way free, Xander cocoons his body around mine.

“It’s all right,” he whispers soothingly. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Am I?Everything feels so wrong. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to have pieces of Cornerstone still inside me. I just want to be free.

The boys hold me, muttering comforting things in my ear until my body calms down. At some point, I must fall asleep because I don’t remember the movie ending, or either of them getting up. It’s not until the sound of the garage door slamming shut that I come to.

The savory scent of dinner cooking downstairs makes its way into the loft. Loud, angry footsteps come up the steps, and I jump into an upright position, glancing around for somewhere to hide. When Lucas appears at the top of the stairs, jaw set and eyes hard, I scramble to the far end of the couch.

Immediately, he wipes the look of fury off his face. “I’m sorry. You’re okay, little fawn. I’m not upset at you.”

But that never made a difference before. It didn’t matter what had Isaiah in a bad mood. I was always the one he took it out on.

“Haven,” Lucas says gently, still standing across the room. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Numbly, I nod. Somewhere inside me, I know he won’t. He’s been the most protective of me since I got here. But that doesn’t change the fact that adrenaline has already been released into my veins.

“Dinner is almost ready,” he tells me as he inches toward the hallway. “You should go down.”

“Kay,” I say shakily.

With one last look of guilt, Lucas disappears down the hallway. I dart down the stairs. Xander and Colton are setting the table, and they both look up when I enter the room.

“You feeling okay?” Colton asks.

“Mmhmm.”

Frowning, Xander moves toward me. “You look upset.”

“Lucas scared me,” I mumble as he tucks me into his body. “I’m okay.”

Lips pressed to the top of my head, Xander sighs. “He probably had a bad practice. He just needs to cool off.”

It doesn’t reassure me the way he thinks it does, but I nod anyway. Colton has me sit at the table, and by the time he’s grabbed me a glass of water, Lucas has come downstairs.

“Coach extra bitchy today?” Xander asks.

“That’s one way to put it.” Lucas swipes a hand over his face. “Asshole was snapping at everyone left and right over nothing.”

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