Page 66 of The Order

I smile, biting the inside of my cheek while thinking of the right words.

“How do you do it?” I question, shaking my head once I notice his uniform. “How do you do everything it takes to be an Official?” I ask, reminding myself of what they did.

There's no way he’s a part of what Adam and his men did earlier today. Xavier looks distraught. I can see worry across his brow.

“I can't say I don't have ways of coping with what they sometimes force us to do. I've spent more times at work drunk than sober in attempts to listen to the bullshit they spew at us,” Xavier says, rubbing his hands on his temples. “I take every shit detail I can, as long as it means I’m not forced to inflict unjustified violence. I tried to sway your friend away from wanting to join. I think our interactions were more than enough to sway him to try and wear a uniform,” Xavier says, still trying to find ways to place the blame on himself. “I joined the Officials to protect people and do good, and now,” he says, pausing to look me over. “I think I’ve found something else to prioritize.”

My heart thuds heavily at his admission.

“Your family-” I begin. He stops me.

“They're gone,” he says quietly, cutting off my thought with two words.

“Gone?” I question, unsure of how that’s possible.

“They were researchers for New Haven,” he says, grabbing a leaf from the ground to distract himself.

He tears its multicolored surface, dropping each bit to the ground one at a time. “They were sent outside the ward for data sampling when I was around twelve. There were ropes on their bodies and Officials with them, but after twenty minutes in the ash, each rope was snapped, bloodied on the ends while their screams broke the air. Officials told me they tried to go after them,” Xavier continues, “My sister passed away shortly after during a measles outbreak,” he continues, holding his hand over his mouth to hide the slight tremor of emotion trying to escape him. “All the Officials who were supposed to go out there had clean boots that day. They’d lied. Not one tried to save them, and as a result, I became an orphan, unable to trust anyone. Now I’m one of them,” he says, clenching his jaw as he closes his eyes. “And I know I would run out there every time if it meant some kid didn't have to grow up feeling as alone as I did,” he finishes, filling my heart with more pain than I ever thought possible.

“Xavier…. I’m so sorry-”

It’s now him placing his finger on my lips, stopping me from giving him a speech I know he’s heard a million times.

“It's beyond your control, love,” he says. His words are like honey, moving warm and soft and sticking in my ears.

I press my lips to his finger before letting it lower as we exchange a long look.

“There is a fine line between using order to help people and using it to feel superior… to control. Sadly, it seems we’ve somehow warped our innate nature to create order for the sole purpose of preserving life. It seems we’ve rationalized that control matters more,” Xavier says, swinging his legs over the bench, giving us more space than I would have liked. The pounding in my head begins to subside, bringing me sweet silence again.

“I need you to be honest with me,” I say, readying myself to ask the one question that could end all of this in a moment. “Do you hate the Unfortunates? Or are you just following orders?” I ask, letting the question settle in the air between us.

“Do I hate Unfortunates? No. They are the very reason this society can function as it does. They are the reason the Officials wear suits embroidered with gold, the reason we eat rich meats that seem to never be in short supply. We get to live the life we do because of them. I respect them immensely. Our people think their blood is Tainted, breeding a vile nature that goes against what they deem orderly-”

The Marked. He’s talking about the Marked.

“Only Unfortunates are Tainted? What does that mean?” I question, reusing the same term he had, still barely understanding it myself.

He sighs, rubbing his finger gently behind my ear.

“I don’t think you deserve the burden of knowing what goes on behind the scenes. You've already been around more than you need to,” he says with great sorrow.

He knows about the screening.

“You-”

Something urges me to stop talking, cutting off the words from my throat before they can even leave me. Like staring at a light sensor prod ready to scorch me, I feel myself hesitate, suddenly fully aware that this secret between Fallan and me, and what we know, remains safest with us alone. It's a sense of understanding I can't explain, only making me grow angrier once I notice how much Xavier sacrificed to tell me what he has.

For reasons beyond my control, I know I have to keep quiet about what I remember from that night.

At least for now.

Xavier patiently waits for me to continue my thoughts.

“I lost what I was going to say,” I lie, wondering why my mind feels more crowded.

“I think it's best to leave what we said on that note. You seem to forget you did have a seizure today. I’d rather not push anything,” Xavier says, looking at the falling leaves coating the ground around us.

“What we know is ours and ours alone. Please stop trying to navigate to me so soon after what happened… I hear you, Forest, but I don't want to hear your thoughts of him. I’m cutting you off for today.”Fallan’s voice rings through my mind clear as day.

---