Page 48 of The Order

I don’t try to linger, allowing myself to follow behind Rae and Kai’s quick walk to the tram, stowing away the events and stolen moments with Xavier on the side of the house in the safest parts of my mind.

Kai’s eyes avert to me every few steps, ready to hit me with a line of questioning he knows is sure to piss me off. It’s not very often that Kai is this quiet on our morning walk to the tram. Instead of taking long strides to walk ahead with Rae, he lingers behind, messing with a thread on his sleeve while making no attempts to start a conversation.

“What is it, Kai?” I question, unable to bear the longing look he gives me whenever he thinks I don’t notice he’s staring.

“It’s nothing.”

Already, he’s underestimating my ability to tell when something is off with him.

“You’ve been staring at me this whole walk like I have 'Unfortunate Lover' written across my face.”

We both pause, looking over one another with varying expressions.

“So, spit it out,” I finish.

Rae is too caught up in her pursuit to make it to the tram in time to notice our sudden stop. I tear away the thread on his sleeve, giving him nothing else to focus on.

“You and Xavier were inches apart when I saw you two together. Are you sneaking around with Officials now to piss off Dad?” Kai questions. His inability to recall anything about what the other Officials did last night is becoming increasingly unbearable, especially when he speaks of them like people I would enjoy spending time with.

“I’m not sneaking around with anyone,” my voice comes out angrier than expected. “You can't even begin to understand what the hell I’ve been dealing with. Xavier has been helping-”

“By cozying up to you when you’re clearly having issues that make you more vulnerable?” Kai throws back at me, stopping my train of thought.

“I-I'm not having issues,” I whisper, feeling the pain linger in my chest from his comment.

He crosses his arms, looking down at the pavement. I can see the sadness reflected in his stare.

“Are you having hallucinations again, Forest?” Kai continues, not looking up to address me. “If you're seeing things again, I’m sure Mom can up your medication-”

“You knew about the meds?”

He looks startled by the question, covering his mouth as if he hadn’t meant to mention it to begin with.

“Listen, it doesn’t matter what I know. Even the well-off Untouchables sometimes have to medicate. If you tell Mom and Dad you are struggling, maybe they can help.”

My anger washes over me like a tidal wave.

“I’m not struggling!” I yell, forcing myself several feet away from my brother, touching the scar that lies behind the back of my ear. Even Rae pauses her walk, turning back to see just how far ahead she had gotten. Kai is dead silent, clasping his hands together patiently. “You may think you have all of this figured out, Kai, that you’re above everyone else when it comes to understanding how the world works,” I begin, pointing at his chest. “But you have no idea who I am, and I’m tired of you pretending that you do,” I continue, angrily backing away from him with small grunts.

“So what?” he questions angrily, “You spend two minutes flirting with an Official on the side of the house, and suddenly you’re too much of an outcast for me to understand? Do you think you're the only person who struggles to find their place, Forest? Because you’re not. Your whole life has been handed to you, yet you walk around like you don’t want it-”

“I don’t want it!” I yell, watching his body tense up at the remark.

“You can follow along and play the perfect son. You can listen to the rules and pretend that you've had a choice in where you stand in this whole fucking ant farm we live in. But what you won't do is pretend for a second that you understand how I feel because if you did, you wouldn’t be looking at me like you are right now. You wouldn’t be looking at me like I’m crazy-”

“Maybe you are crazy. Mom and Dad should have never relied on those pills when you started seeing things that weren’t real,” Kai spits. Angrily, his eyes drop, narrowing in a way I have only seen Fallan look at me.

I scoff at the comment, nodding as my feet begin to back me away. A small laugh leaves me, supported by the countless emotions encompassing my chest the closer I move to Rae. I can see the regret wash over my brother’s face as his hand runs over his tired eyes.

“Maybe I am crazy, Kai. Go ahead and add it to the list of reasons you look down on me instead of being my brother,” I whisper, turning my back on him and moving straight past Rae's solemn expression.

There is more he wants to know. There is so little he’s chosen to say. Every word he spoke to me felt like another weight on my chest. I don’t even try and talk to Rae as I move past her.

Nothing she can say will make any of this better.

The tram is already filled with students, some more lively than others. My legs burn as I continue my rapid pace forward.

His dark black curls poke out from beneath the hood of his jacket. He grabs the railing, readying himself to get onto the vehicle. His head is craned in my direction, giving me a look of confusion the closer I draw to his paused position on the steps. I grab the metal railing, taking a few steps ahead of Fallan to make myself taller. I drag down his hood as I move up the steps, leaning over just close enough that the words between us will only be our own.

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