Page 44 of The Order

Myeyesflyopenat a sudden movement, nearly sending my head forward and into the side of the bathtub. My legs are to my chest, keeping my body in a fetal position comfortably situated within the bathtub. A hand touches my upper arm, nudging me awake with gentle motions. With a turn of my head, I see Max’s eyes, looking me over with a grin, cocking his head in amusement at the sight in front of him.

“You slept here last night?” Max questions, observing the entirety of the bathroom as he kneels next to the tub.

“I guess I did,” I rub my eyes, trying to rid myself of the remnants of sleep, “I was just trying to listen to the rain. It must have knocked me out,” I admit, looking over his slumped state against the ground as the statement triggers the memories I had managed to keep away long enough for a night's rest.

“I should have followed after you last night,” Max says, rubbing the back of his neck in shame. I pull myself up entirely, meeting his eyes as he grips the side of the tub. “You just seemed so upset, and I already felt like I had done something wrong. I just figured you needed your space away from me. I don’t know if I did something to make you uncomfortable-”

I grab his hands, rubbing my thumbs over his knuckles. He notices my worn hand, ready to comment on it. I force my head in his line of sight, getting him to focus back on me and not the wounds I have no way of justifying to him right now.

“You did nothing wrong, Max. I got sick and honestly didn't want to put a damper on anyone else’s night,” I say, which seems to ease him into a more relaxed position. “Are you doing okay?” I question, surveying his face for any marks a careless Official might have left while trampling over the students last night. My hands touch his cheeks, feeling him smile beneath my fingers.

“I’m sorry if what I said to those Unfortunates upset you. It's hard trying to process your sudden sympathy for them,” Max begins. I grab his face again, stopping the train of thought I know is unbearable for him.

“Don't apologize. I’m the one who has been off, not you,” I admit, pressing my forehead to his as I draw a deep breath.

“Just give me a little bit of time to figure myself out. I promise you I am doing my best to pull myself away and out of this funk," I whisper, running my thumbs over his cheeks, regretting my decision last night to flush my pill down the toilet. Had I taken it, maybe this moment would be what he needs from me. So many other girls would fall for him, feeding into his touch in this moment, happily being what he wants.

It just can't be me.

“I need some time to figure out my headspace before dragging you into it with me,” I finished, pulling my head away from his, not allowing him to try and explore another kiss.

He looks slightly disappointed, not letting the look linger as he grabs my hands, hauling me to my feet. My legs feel wobbly as I use them for the first time. I stagger, almost falling into him, before fixing my posture.

“I don’t think I’ve met someone clumsier than you,” Max says, returning to his usual light-hearted banter. “Now let's go make you a proper bed,” he says, helping me gather the comforters and pillows with a smile I know he’s struggling to show.

His disappointment is the one thing keeping him away from a reality I have yet to understand fully.

It's better this way.

It has to be.

My brother's voice fills the hallway, going on about rules and regulations and how he thinks he can improve them. Max shoots me a backward look, already curious how my brother could be this passionate this early in the morning. I smooth down my uniform, readjusting my tie for the millionth time. Max had patiently waited outside my room while I changed, tapping his foot against the floorboards in a rhythm. My hair is pulled back in a ponytail, showcasing the shadows on my face even more than when I had it down. I look as drained as my mother. Once more, I flushed down my pill this morning, clutching it with as much hesitation as the night before.

The sleek Official uniform makes me pause. My hands shake as I watch them lean on the counter, listening to Kai’s extravagant rant. Rae sits on our couch, gawking at the Official with love-struck eyes. The Official lowers his hood, revealing the familiar blonde curls, washing away my anxieties with a few deep breaths.

He was never there last night. Given his less-than-traditional views, I would be surprised if they even allowed him to know anything. Kai’s eyes dart behind Xavier, landing on Max and me with a nod. This is the first time he’s seen me since last night. Everyone but Max decided that giving me space was in their best interests.

Xavier turns around, tuning out my brother, his eyes landing directly on me. I feel a sudden comfort in his smile, wanting nothing more than to break away from Max and pull him aside to dive deep into all that I saw despite the uniform he wears. He half listens to my brother, giving him short answers to satisfy him. His eyes move past Max, scrunching his brows before returning to me. Kai gradually takes the hint, excusing himself from the conversation once he takes notice of Rae staring at the intimidating blonde he’s been talking to.

I see now the other Officials lingering in my home. Some in the kitchen, others spilling from my father's study. I try not to make eye contact with them, recognizing a few from last night's movie screening at the school. Much like last night, they all smile, clearly unaware that I remember what happened. One, in particular, stands out, making me sick to my stomach by their comfort level in my home.

The man who had stepped on my arm now stands in my kitchen, drinking a large cup of coffee from one of our mugs, taking seconds from the pot my mother had brewed for us this morning. The man smiles at me, but it’s impossible to reciprocate.

“Good morning, kiddo,” the man says, trying his best to make me respond to his warm gestures.

I touch my wrist, remembering his words after stepping all over me. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now.

It was him.

“Blackburn created a beauty like that?”I hear him say in the shadows of my thoughts.

His sick voice clings to my mind as clearly as the image of him watching the girl’s lifeless body. He laughed with a careless ease, not once batting an eye as her life slowly slipped free from her.

Xavier steps in my line of vision, blocking my blank stare toward the man indulging in the pleasures of our home. He waves his hand over my eyes, drawing me back to reality with a warm smile. Max has joined his twin on the couch, looking over Xavier and me with a less-than-pleasant expression.

“How are we this morning, Blackburn?” Xavier questions, looking back again to see the man's continuous gawk in my direction, more specifically, my arm he had damaged.

“You have a report to run, Nick. Why don’t you go busy yourself in mindless stares somewhere else,” Xavier says, snapping at his superior with a relaxed posture. The man’s uniform is threaded with multiple stitches of gold vinery, showcasing his rank within the Official’s regiment. I expect Nick to snap back at Xavier, questioning why someone so young would be so bold. Instead, he nods, setting the mug in the sink without another word.

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