Page 136 of The Order

I tumbled through the large sliding glass door, nearly yanking it off its hinges in the process. The outside world is quiet. The quiet hum of the ward located on the edge of the property feels oppressive. The alcohol has started to settle in my stomach like a boulder in water.

The outside air is refreshing. I draw in a few deep breaths, letting the events of dinner slowly fade away. The looks on the faces of all the Unfortunates in the room while Adam talked about the Lottery haunt me. I grasp the railing of Josh’s deck, leaning over, ready to vomit.

The Lottery.

This night.

The contents of my stomach were gone in an instant.

If only my mind could release its burdens as quickly as my stomach.

For a moment, I was on the roof with that boy again. Did he feel the same fears I do now? How much did he know before it was all too much to bear? He was finally free of his chip, only to discover that freedom came with a knowledge of what was truly going on in New Haven.

At what point did the fate he chose become more desirable than the present I face?

The night is still. The cool autumn air gives way to a biting chill, reminding me that winter is coming.

The boards' creek on the deck. My body becomes rigid at the sudden realization that I am no longer alone.

Maybe it's Kai ready to warn me how angry Dad is, or possibly Josh prepared to see what he can get away with now that Fallan is gone.

“Listen, I can't pretend what I heard in there doesn’t sicken me-” I whisper, preparing myself for a verbal tongue-lashing.

I turn on my heels, my heart racing as a familiar wave made up of desire and fear passes over me. Xavier’s eyes meet mine, his ocean blue irises are calm and steady.

“I never bet. Not when I didn't have to,” he moves away from the sliding door and towards me. “When I had just been inducted, we went out to celebrate. I was drunk out of my mind, and they urged me to bet on what I thought was a race. It turns out I spent $400 to watch a girl with red hair die in the Pit. I don't think I kept food down for a week after it happened,” Xavier admits, his voice filled with regret.

“I can't, I can't do it again. The way you looked at me just now almost broke me,” he whispers, taking another step towards me.

A part of me wants to back away, but I step forward instead. I can feel Its pull, urging me to move closer, encouraging me to give in.

This is Xavier. I can trust him.

The same Xavier who broke surveillance cameras to protect me. The same Xavier who came to my defense repeatedly. Now he stands here, begging for the forgiveness he would have given me instantly.

“I don't want to keep thinking of all the things their people have faced,” I whisper, pressing my head to the cool metal railing. He comes to stand at my side, leaning on the railing next to me. He crosses his arms over his front as he looks up to the night sky. The moonlight casts light shadows across his face, revealing a youthfulness under his tired expression.

My mind races back to the dance we shared at the festival. The few peaceful moments moving with him, only to hit a brick wall. I feel it now as we stand here. I still fight the urge to run away from him, that urge a warning I don’t understand.

“He’s the least of our worries,”It whispers, the voice of reason when it comes to Xavier.

In many ways, I wish he could be as cruel to me as Fallan is. Maybe then I’d have an unshakable need to be near him.

“There's more to ask him,”It pushes, an echo of the voice at the festival passing through my mind. I scowl, annoyed at Its ability to force my thoughts in a certain direction.

“That voice today,” my head rises from the railing. “Do you think it's true what he said? Is there more than just ash beyond that ward?”

Xavier’s past before New Haven is still unknown to me. Everything about the man is a mystery. Even his family is a topic he has barely brought up. I watch him finally look at me, his foot tapping the deck as he deliberates his answer.

“I think someone is working hard to make sure we stay clueless.” His hands work along his throat, and his eyes are filled with fear. “Do you think New Haven is all there is?”

I close the space between us, his hand gently moving to touch my side. I flinch as he brushes over the area of my mark.

Kind. Gentle. That’s what I think when I look at Xavier

My heart races as he brushes my lips with his thumb. His other hand grabs me tighter, pulling me against his front.

“Do you know why I came tonight?” he questions, his nose inches from mine.

---