Page 113 of Men in Shorts

“My mum, when I was bad.” His voice dipped, as though he were talking to himself. “No, that’s not right. She did it when shethoughtI was bad. It’s not the same.”

Andrew turned over in Colin’s embrace, needing to see his face and feel his broad, solid chest against his palms. “You do that a lot, correct yourself after you run yourself down. Like you’re rewriting your own lines minus the self-loathing.”

“It’s something I learned in therapy. So much of what we tell ourselves is pure rubbish. The first step is noticing how much we do it.” His eyes went soft as they met Andrew’s. “Maybe you’ll give it a go?”

“I’ve no need to rewrite my own lines. I always speak highly of myself.”

Colin smiled. “True. I meant, would you try therapy?”

“Therapy?” Andrew pulled back, drawing his fists to his chest to form a barrier between them. “I can’t. I’m a public figure. I know there are confidentiality laws, but secrets like this always get out.”

“It’s nae secret what happened to us that night. Who’d blame you for getting help to recover from it? Besides, you might help someone out there who’s dealing with the same shite and thinks they’re alone.”

Andrew felt a surge of anger. “So now I’m selfish for not flaunting my weaknesses? For wanting a bit of privacy during a hard time? I’m not here to provide a public service.”

“Okay, okay,” Colin said in a soothing tone. “Sorry, I don’t mean to push.”

“I know you mean well, but you don’t understand. You’ve been in and out of therapy since you were fifteen.”

“Including the last four months. That’s how I know it works.”

“My point is, it’s normal for you. But for most of the world, it’s not normal.”

“Pish,” Colin said. “Loads of celebrities talk about their mental health and all. There’s less stigma when you’re famous.”

“This is different.”

“How?”

Andrew closed his eyes, his bare skin growing cold at the thought of going public with his problems. If he couldn’t trust his own bodyguard and brother-in-law, how could he expose himself to a million strangers? What if someone out there used Andrew’s secrets to gain power over him? “I just can’t. Not yet.”

“When you’re ready, then. Look, I’ll not lie and say it’s easy.” As he spoke, Colin tugged the duvet from under their bodies, then pulled it up to cover them. “Every time I get up in front of a group of kids and show them my scars, I have to fight the shame. I’m ashamed I used to cut myself. I’m ashamed I cannae tell them I never want to do it again, cos it’d be a lie.” He lay down again, his ink-black hair stark against the white pillowcase. “I’m ashamed I’m not the perfect example they need of someone who went through hell and came out fine.”

“See, this is what I mean. You’ve endured so much, whilst I’ve had everything good in life. Money, friends, parents who adored me. I grew up in a castle, for God’s sake.”

“You grew up in a boarding school. That’s got to fuck a lad up.”

Andrew knew Colin was trying to make him laugh, but it wasn’t working. “I’ve no right to feel this way. With all my power—power I never earned—I should be in tip-top shape. I should be resilient, like I’m wearing a suit of armor.”

Colin sighed. “Firstly, you’ve earnedsomeof your power, by being clever and charming. Secondly, even suits of armor have got weak spots, else all those knights would’ve died of old age. Thirdly…” He wrapped an arm around Andrew and pulled him close. “You’ve a right to feel any way you feel. You earned that right just by existing.”

Andrew buried his face in Colin’s warm neck, wishing they could stay like this forever. Those affirmative words sounded so rational in the sanctuary of this room, but the real world was far more dangerous.

Only Colin was safe. Andrew knew he could trust this man, his brave warrior who inexplicably loved him to the bone.

And maybe it would be enough to have one person who understood. Maybe Andrew’s secret pain could live here, out of sight. Then it would belong to him and Colin alone, another jewel in the treasure chest of their insular, insulated love.

* * *

Lonely

Angry

Panicky

Withdrawn

Numb

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