Page 44 of Clear Your Mind

“I never told anyone this, not even my brothers or my president. I thought I would take it to my grave, but I can’t.” After only the briefest of pauses, he inhales deeply and continues. “I did everything to that bastard that he did to them, except for the sexual assaults. And the worst part. It didn’t bother me one bit.”

“I don’t believe that for a minute.”

His crystal-blue eyes are stormy when he looks at me. “It’s true, Krystal. I watched him bleed, tortured him, and didn’t flinch. On day three, when I sliced him open from his throat to his dick, I felt nothing. I disposed of the body, lit the place up and walked away without looking back.”

“Just because you detached yourself doesn’t mean you didn’t feel anything. If you didn’t feel anything, you wouldn’t be telling me right now. You wouldn’t be stressing over me leaving or killing Jeff. And you wouldn’t hold yourself back from getting too close to people. Those are things people who feel do.”

I place a kiss on his forehead to slow my thoughts and my mouth, giving Buddy time to digest the words between us.

“He deserved it,” I say to myself more than to him, but he hears me all the same. If the situation wasn’t so serious, I might have laughed at the look on his too fucking pretty to be ruthless face.

“Who did?”

This is Buddy, warts and all. If I want this, want him, I have to accept the whole package.

I answer emphatically. “Both of them.” I take a breath before adding. “I just wish you could’ve shared it with someone. That kind of thing weighs you down, heart and soul.”

Buddy kisses me then and it tastes like pain. Pain and tears and redemption.

“Is that everything?” I ask with more confidence than I feel when he ends the kiss.

“Not everything, but the worst of it. I owe a few people apologies. Apologies I need to make in person.”

I drop my hand to his side where I know scars reside. Puckered and abused skin I’ve kissed. “Does it have anything to do with these?”

The smile he gives me is sad but genuine. “Is there anything your crystals don’t tell you?”

“Silly man, crystals don’t tell me anything, they’re just crystals. It’s a person’s intentions and beliefs that give them tremendous power.”

That was the best I could do to explain my relationship with what I see as a natural force.

“Do they really work?”

“Does a tiny bell keep your road gremlins away?”

“I believe it does.”

“Then it does. If you believe in it and that gives you what you need, does it matter if you gained what you need from the actual thing or from your trust in it? It was gained and that’s what matters. Belief is the most powerful magic out there.”

The look he gives me sets my heart racing. His smile is blinding. “Damn, woman, you’re the most powerful magic.”

The wordsI love youalmost trip off my tongue, almost. I know this isn’t the moment for that. Things spoken in the aftermath of such a confession can’t always be taken at face value.

In moments like this, there’s a feeling of exposure, and that sometimes leads to words that come with a fuckton of regrets in the light of day. When I do tell Buddy I love him, I want him to have zero doubt that I mean it without reservation. Especially since it’s only been a few days.

Just because I can fall that fast doesn’t mean others can.

“I fucking love you.” He growls the words against my lips, then proceeds to devour my mouth. It was low, almost inaudible.

My mind goes blank and nuclear at the same exact time. A declaration of love, what every human on the planet wants. Just not on the heels of such raw emotion.

I cannot…will not get my hopes up. Buddy is dealing with demons and may not mean it. And if he does, he’ll mean it a day from now or a week or a month.

I end the kiss before I allow my heart to control my vocabulary. “So, do you want to talk about the apology?” That feels like a good place to go. A safe subject.

The tinge of disappointment crossing his face is borderline physically painful to me. Luckily, he schools his features and answers my question.

“My prez, back in Reno, all my brothers there really. After I was carved up and left for dead, I wanted to just die. It felt like it would be easier than recovery. During those days, I needed people more than ever, and I cursed it as a weakness. When I was on the verge of letting the past go and embracing a future, I had a setback. My brain somehow convinced me it was punishment for what I did. That I deserved the pain and isolation. So, I pushed everyone even further away.”

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