Page 29 of Control Line

Chapter Eleven

The week flew by and was slow as molasses in the winter at the same time.

Her time with Barney didn’t seem like nearly enough. They shared breakfast two mornings with hikers, lunch four times, and even brushed their teeth together this morning.

Which was weird, and not, at the same time. That seemed to be an ongoing theme in her life. . .opposites. Even their relationship, if it could be called that, was unconventional.

Sadly, she felt more invested in them than she had any other relationship in the past. Maybe it was the separation that brought them close or maybe because their moments were condensed.

Tuesday on the trail, Barney joined them and for forty-five minutes, they went back and forth with minor details about themselves. Favorite color, food, band. The last was almost unforgivable; no one ever cops to Nickelback being their favorite. No one but a crazy sexy firefighter, that is. He proudly proclaimed it so, right before belting out the chorus fromBurnfor the couple hiking at their backs.

She was personally offended he didn’t answer Bob Seger. The man’s a national treasure. At least he agreed on that part, or she would’ve left him in the woods and moved.

Today was good but also hard. She’d stared at the sealed envelope with her name on it for hours after the moon had risen. Barney mentioning Olathe had sent her into a nosedive.

Billy had been heading back to their place outside of post from her house in Olathe when he’d lost control of his car.

Billy never told her he was moving out, but he had most of his stuff there already. She’d gotten his forward of address confirmation in an email while deployed, but like everything else with him, she ignored it. That’s what the latter had to be, a Dear Jane letter.

After staring at the blue ink scrawl of her name, she made her way to the hall closet where a plain cardboard box resided on the shelf. Sitting on the floor right there, she opened the flaps and stared at the pewter colored urn engraved with two dates and a name. Winslow William Barnes lll, her dead boyfriend. Or dead ex if she were honest with herself.

“Why couldn’t you just leave me or hell, just been honest. I would’ve settled for a roommate with benefits situation.” She touched the cold urn with trembling fingers. “That probably would’ve been better for us both. Neither of us were ever really in, but for what it’s worth, I loved you. In my own way. . .the you I knew in the beginning, anyway.”

The tears tracking down her cheeks felt different this time. “We were just not good together, were we?”

It was rhetorical.

“I know about your children, Billy. I even know your name wasn’t really Billy. Or maybe it wasn’t Josef or Cameron or David. I said I didn’t know who you were. I never realized it was that true. But I do want to thank you. All those things are helping me let go, and it’s time. I have to let go of everything you were and everything I wanted you to be. The pain, the lies, the guilt. The everything.”

Her eyes drifted to the letter. She still wasn’t ready to open it. His words would make it all too real and maybe it was easier to never read it.

She knew exactly what to do to move past that last hurdle.

After closing the flaps, she placed a hand gently on the cardboard. “I’ll take you up soon and spread you overlooking the town you loved.”

Like I wish we’d loved each other.

Closing his cremains back in the hall closet, she carried the letter to her room. She placed it in the drawer where it would remain until she took his ashes up. She’d read it, burn it, and then let its ashes mix with the earth the same way Billy’s would.

Zee dried her tears and sat nervously on her bed. She wished she owned something lacy to wear. Sure, she had underwear sets that were nice, but she didn’t own lingerie.

But then again, she didn’t figure Barney for the pinafore type. He was a man so would appreciate silk and lace, but if she had to guess, he’d prefer an old band shirt and boxers on his women. At least she hoped so because that was her style. That gave her an idea. One that had her popping off the bed and digging into a box she still had yet to sort through.

Tossing clothes haphazardly around the closet, she found what she was looking for. An old, faded white Nickelback tee.

Remembering how she come about the shirt made her smile. It had been a care package from an LT’s mom for the platoon. She’d gone to the mall and one of the gothy shops had given her a mystery box of tees for the troops. She’d gotten stuck with all the extra smalls because she was the only one who could squeeze into them. With modifications anyway.

She’d hacked the sleeves and neck band off. A vee cut down the front showed some hella cleavage. And she’d slashed it across the sides in a series of descending lengths which extended toward the front and the back. It was skintight, too, so it pulled the slashes taut.

She shucked her underwear and slid her boxers back on. For a minute she debated that choice. What if Barney thought they were an ex-boyfriend’s or something?

“Ha. Not a chance. And if he does, an ex that small would never intimidate him.”

She checked herself in the mirror and was impressed. The boxers rode low and the shirt rode high, exposing just a few inches of skin. But it was prime real estate for her. Her toned torso was one of her best features.

It bothered her that it wasn’t her arms or legs because she worked hard, but they never built the definition her abs did. After turning back and forth, some doubt crept in. What if Barney preferred that hourglass shape?

That was never Zee, never going to be. No matter how much weight she lost or gained, muscle added or dropped, she never had that shape. Her waist, while trim, never nipped inward. Her hips, while not narrow, didn’t flair.

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