Page 25 of Control Line

“He was keeping secrets and I pulled away. In hindsight, I should’ve broken it off. We would’ve both been happier. I don’t even know if the secrets were major, like more affairs, or if they were minor, like parking tickets, he was hiding. If I had only found out before I distanced myself, maybe he wouldn’t have cheated.” She sobbed the last out, unable to believe she’d admitted that out loud.

“You do not know how bad I want to barge through that door and hold you right now, but I’m thinking that would make it harder for you. But you say the word and that’s what’ll happen, you feel me?”

“Yeah.” He was right. She could never do this face to face. Getting it out stung like a bitch but it felt so good, or at least she knew it would.

“Hate to say it, doll, but I’m calling bullshit again. Let it go. The guilt is eating you alive. I’m sorry you loved him so much that you can’t stop mourning, but are you mourning what was or what you wanted it to be?”

Again, Barney had this way of cutting to the heart of the matter.

“Both. But mostly what I wanted. I still don’t know how to let it all go.”

“Well, I say you find a way to confront him. Go to where he’s buried and scream until you’re hoarse or write it all down and burn it. In an approved method, of course.” She appreciated his attempt to lighten the mood, and it was working a little.

“I will even help you. If you need a surrogate to yell at, I’m your guy. My captain seems to enjoy it immensely. Or, I can help you burn something that represents the past. Whatever it takes. Just ask.”

Her tears were already dry. Exhaustion was hitting hard but she couldn’t resist a little more flirting with the naked man behind the door.

“Whatever it takes?”

He was still out of sight, but she could hear the wicked grin in his husky words. “Absolutely. I am at your beck and call. Mind and body. So, same time Saturday night?”

She wanted to shout,fuck yeah,but that bravery and boldness she wasn’t expecting to experience with Barney kicked in and answered for her.

“Yes, but I want you to sit in your bedroom instead.” As soon as the hard d sound faded, she stood, gently closed the door, and leaned her forehead on it.

She had just invited Barney to watch her masturbate.Oh my god, who am I?

Zee was a hard ass during her Army days because she had to be. She was confident and assured, which was equated with being an uptight bitch, so she allowed the assumptions. She exuded confidence in almost every area of her life, even the bedroom, but this was not in her wheelhouse. Especially not with someone she hadn’t slept with.

The zing of excitement had her on a thrill high but now she was on the backside and questioning herself. Barney’s raspy voice through the door stopped her spiral.

“Fuck, doll, a five-alarm fire couldn’t keep me away.”

Zamantha slept soundly that night. The sealed envelope in her bedside table didn’t taunt her like it had since Billy’s death.

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