Page 45 of Control Line

Barney didn’t move, just stared at her.

“I said, get out. Get out of my house. Your lack of an answer made it painfully clear how you feel about me. Standing here hurling more verbal projectiles won’t change that for either of us. It will only serve as points of regret later and don’t you think we both have enough of those?”

When he still stood there, she lost her shit. Violence was never, never the answer, but so much was coursing through her veins she couldn’t contain it. She learned the hard way to control her fists when she was mad. She wanted to throw a punch so bad she could taste it. Instead, she shoved him as hard as she could, then beat on his chest with limited power, pulling her punches enough to let some of it out but not end up in jail or abusing the man she hated herself for loving. Barney made no move to stop her.

Zee continued until she was physically and emotionally exhausted. Looking at him hurt on a level she needed to deal with alone. She backed away and pointed to the door. Sucking back tears, she somehow formed words. “Go, before I quit fighting like a girl and break a rule I set for myself a long time ago.”

“Zee—”

Shaking her head, she tried to shut back down. “No. You do not get to destroy me and then play the victim or even apologize to ease your own guilt. I can hear it in your voice, and I reject it. If you care for me, even a little or hell, if you care not to get a broken nose, you’ll walk the fuck out that door now.”

After a few minutes of staring at her with regret she refused to acknowledge, Barney gave a slight nod and shuffled away.

With his hand finally on the knob, she couldn’t help but fire one last volley of her own. “You made me love you only to break my fucking heart.”

The click of the door behind him was the loudest sound she’d ever heard in her life, and she’d thrown live grenades. When they exploded, she’d felt it in her entire body, but when Barney closed the door, she felt it with her entire heart.

He didn’t even slam it, just slunk away in the remnants of his anger. It had dissipated once she mentioned regrets. It was clear how he’d taken it, and she didn’t even mean it that way. She would never regret giving her heart to him, even if he didn’t keep it or care for it. It wasn’t about him, it was about her.

Barney slayed the ghosts of the past, now she just had to deal with the new one he created.

“Thanks a lot, Billy or Derek, or whoever the fuck you were. You’re still fucking up my life from the grave. Was anything real?”

Zee made it just inside the bedroom before her attention turned to the bathroom. She couldn’t stand to be that close to Barney, not right now. The wall between them was too close, but his heart was too far.

She randomly grabbed some clothes from her dresser when her eyes landed on the drawer beside her bed. She’d meant to take the letter with her and burn it, but she’d been distracted.

Shit, I’m as raw as I can be, I might as well read it.Opening the worn wood, she slipped the envelope out.

Taking her bounty, she closed the bedroom door to create as much distance—create as many barriers—as she could.

After slipping on yoga pants and a tank, she curled into herself on the couch and had a good old-fashioned pity party. She heard Barney leave, which wasn’t surprising. As nasty as he’d been, she’d been worse. He let her take out her frustration and anger on him. Even acted like he deserved it. He didn’t, not really. Barney was blindsided and hurt but he never touched her in anger because he was a good man. Sure, they had yet to have a healthy fight. Or even a normal morning after, but they were not normal. Their situation was anything but.

They couldn’t be judged by the few weeks they’d had in a pressure cooker. Deep down she knew that. Knew Barney wasn’t hateful, and she wasn’t violent in her responses. Both were acting out of character and the common denominator was Billy.

Zee didn’t expect to cry herself to sleep, but that’s what happened. It was one of those naps where she woke up not knowing what time it was or even what day.

It was dark out, so she’d spent the entire day sleeping and crying. She still clutched the envelope in her hand when she woke.

Taking a deep breath, she broke the seal.I can’t do this sober.She poured a glass of woody scotch and downed a couple of fingers, or possibly a whole hand, she wasn’t counting. She just kept going until the burn was overwhelming.

What she had to do was going to be impossibly hard, so the scotch was necessary. Especially with a completely shattered heart, and Zee was about to face the man who’d smashed it to bits.

She wasn’t ready to make nice with Barney just yet, or even really be in the same room as him, but with everything that had come to light, Barney had just as much right to what that damned envelope contained as she did.

Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was something. Either way, it didn’t just belong to her, Billy’s last words belonged to Barney, too.

It was still so weird to call him that but sadly, she wasn’t as shocked by it the more she thought about it. Billy always kept a piece of himself closed off. He never really cared about many people, and he was cryptic about shit all the time. Even though it didn’t exactly come as a shock in hindsight, it still caught her off guard.

With a deep breath and one last shot, she grabbed the letter and knocked on the bathroom door. Nothing. It was unlocked so she entered Barney’s cabin. “Barney?”

Nothing, but she heard sounds coming from the living room. Surely, he wasn’t ignoring her to that extent. Making her way through the cabin, she saw Gambler standing at the stove cooking what smelled like a burger.

“Excuse me, where’s Barney?” The man jumped at her voice and pulled an earbud out.

“Shit. You scared me.”

“Sorry, but I was hoping to speak with Barney for a minute. Do you know when he’ll be back?”

---