Page 37 of Control Line

She always did, but more so as she looked down at the object in her hands. “I forgive you, Billy. You followed your heart, and as much as it hurt me, I can respect that. I now have to follow mine. It’s time to let you go here in the town you loved so much. I hope you’re at peace, because I finally am.”

It was only a slight fib. She had found peace as far as Billy was concerned, thanks to Barney’s perspective. Now the disturbance was caused by Barney and her reaction to him.

Waiting for a shift in the wind, she stared out at the horizon and just was.

Once the wind was at her back, she opened the urn and tipped Billy into the wind. Tears came, but not the same kind she’d cried for him before. These were therapeutic tears and Zee felt lighter.

Recapping the urn, she jogged back home. Barney was still gone. Setting it on the table, she bathed again because the trail was dusty and she was sweaty. She got dressed for her jump, but grabbed a nice blouse and sandals for dinner after.

Emerson was letting her do a double today. One solo, all by herself, and one with a group scheduled to go up. Zee loved watching other jumpers almost as much as she loved jumping herself. There was just something about seeing the free fall that got her pumped.

People say free falling was as close to God as one could get. They think the thrill is in the risk. Will the chute open, or not? That may be true for others, but for her, it was will she open it or not.

That to her was as close as she could get to God, because she could choose to meet him that day. Just do nothing and continue the flight all the way down. Not that she was suicidal, she had never been that.

But she could decide to just enjoy the free fall a little bit longer and a little bit longer until it was impossible to get any float. Something about that gave her a control over her life she couldn’t get any other way.

Once she jumped from that plane, living became a conscious choice. Not like getting out of bed and deciding to go on about her day, but actively choosing to live. Choosing to pull the cord and float to the earth was like being reborn every single time because shechoseto be.

She wanted to share that concept with Barney, share a jump with him. Yet, he made a choice already, and she would respect it.

Respect or not, he was still scarce when she left, and that had hurt.

Suck it up, Kessel.

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