Page 14 of Control Line

Hell, she’d never even heard of the place before Billy’s childhood tales turned into novels. Had no desire to live in California. Of all the things Billy was and was not, he was definitely a talented storyteller. That’s how she found herself on the west coast. In some small way, she also chose Sunnyville to honor a man in death who never honored her in life.

“I wish you were there, Barney,” she spoke to the closed bathroom door. “Just knowing I’m not utterly alone would help me fall asleep.”

Flopping back on the bed and hugging her pillow, she felt his presence, even if he wasn’t really there. The illusion of him listening gave her a sense of comfort and loosened her tongue.

“We were together for four years. Well, together is a bit of an overstatement. In actuality, we only spent a handful of months together. I was deployed, a lot. But honestly, neither of us would’ve lasted four years if we’d actually been in the same country, much less the same apartment.”

She’d never admitted that before.

“You know, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he strayed while I was deployed. Not knowing where I was or if I was alive or not, I could understand it. But Billy didn’t wait until I was deployed. He died not even knowing that I knew. I knew about the others. Carrie, she was the one who held his heart. He met her two days after we moved in together. I found out nine months later when his daughter was born.”

Tears she thought she’d already shed came down her cheeks in waterfalls of salty anger. “I waited and gave him every opportunity to tell me about her, but nothing. He acted like I was stupid. When she’d finally had enough of him, I thought, surely he’ll come clean now. But no. Instead, he took up with Allison, my first sergeant’s wife, and a string of women he met in bars. Of course, I knew he’d eventually end up back with Carrie.”

Zee imagined Barney’s shocked expression at her revelation while he stroked her arm comfortingly and dropped kisses on her head.

“When they told me he’d died, I was just two months into my deployment. I hate to admit I felt nothing. Not nothing exactly, I was sad that he was gone, but not more so than I would be if anyone I knew died. I wasn’t heartbroken. In fact, I was relieved. I know that makes me a horrible human being, but there it is.”

She’d risen from the bed and was now pacing and talking. “I wasn’t even just relieved for myself and all the women he was hurting with his lies. It relieved me for him. Billy wasn’t a bad person, I know that. Deep down, he was caught up over something from his past. Something he wouldn’t share and something that was eating him up inside to the point he was trying to fill that hole with women and booze. If he hadn’t gotten into the accident, I’m sure his liver would’ve given out soon. He was a different person towards the end. Whatever he was running from was catching up with him, mentally anyway.”

Zee leaned her back against the bathroom door, needing to be close to Barney. This was the most she’d talked about her life in forever. Hell, she didn’t even know the truth of it until her words pierced the silence of her bedroom. Sliding down to the floor she continued,

“His actions, the betrayal, was so profound. But even worse was the guilt I was feeling for not feeling, you know? I should’ve been an emotional wreck and I wasn’t. Ironically, it was that guilt that turned me into an emotional wreck. Funny how that worked, huh? I was so different when I returned to my home base. The rest of my unit gave me the call sign, Zero Kelvin. They said my heart was ice cold. They didn’t know about Billy. Everyone thought he was strictly my roommate, and I let them. My unit had no idea of the shame and guilt I carried, they just thought I was an ice queen and I hated it.”

Admitting that hurt, too.

“I’m not. I’m a very passionate person and I even like a little pain with my sex. Bet you didn’t see that coming. Anyway, I tell people my call sign means OK instead of ØK. That’s pretty much my story.” Zee stood and returned to her bed.

“I’m such a coward. I haven’t even opened the letter I found on my dresser when I returned.” That was the first time she acknowledged the letter’s existence. It was also the first time she was even remotely curious about what it said. But she wasn’t brave enough to find out, or maybe she just didn’t care to have more pain and guilt added to the pile of shit she needed to deal with.

His stuff had been gone, mostly, so she assumed the letter was a goodbye. She’d already known he was leaving, so she wasn’t shocked. He’d had no idea it would be the last goodbye.

“I know you’re not really there, Barney, but thanks for listening and just being there, so to speak. Meeting you is the only reason I even thought to speak these words aloud. And God knows I needed to hear them. Maybe now I can process my shit and move on.”

A yawn she felt with her whole being took over her voice and she started drifting off to sleep. “Maybe one day I’ll get up the nerve to tell you. . .”

Her words drifted off as sleep took over.

“Anytime, GI Jane, anytime.” She smiled at dream Barney’s words. “Cold my ass. You’re a fire I don’t want to put out, but want to play with and feel the burn. Next time you come, don’t hold back. If I’m not in the bed with you, I want to hear you from mine. And it better be my name falling from those lips then.”

Mortification flooded her body, but she was too far into the sandman’s realm to rouse herself. Dream Barney wouldn’t have said those words, but real Barney definitely would’ve.

Her last thought before slipping into a deeper sleep was, at least they were almost even now.

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