Page 17 of Inevitably Yours

The commentshe feared most just popped up on her live feed. If you just stopped loving him overnight, then how could you call it love at all? Yep, there it was taunting her from the computer screen.

Augusta knew it was coming from the minute she highlighted the other night with John on her weekly live feed—without too many private details, of course. She had just gone live a few days ago to do an in-between update, but this was the one where no topic was really off the table. It was these weekly no-holds-barred interactions that had brought this group so close together.

It was time to pull on her big girl underwear and respond. “Okay, in response to Lessa's comment, I did not stop loving him overnight. I’m afraid that the kind of love I have for John will transcend my time here on this Earth but, I am a human being. I need companionship, compassion, and yes, love, both physical and emotional. Just because I have decided to seek company via dating, doesn’t mean I plan on having sex with someone or jumping into a relationship.”

Gus paused to gather her emotions. “I need dinner with someone who looks at me for me. I need to have my hand held on occasion, and my cheek touched with that kind of tenderness that makes you burrow into the hand caressing it. And yes, eventually, I will need a more physical relationship. Just because I do not believe I can love someone to the same magnitude with which I do John, does not mean I can’t love. All humans are capable of love, no matter how much of their heart they have given away, or what lurks in the past.”

That last statement stung and stoked Gus’ anger. All humans, including John. He simply chose not to when she had chosen to allow herself to love him. It was a conscious decision to let herself fall in love with John. It was a deliberate choice to continue to love him in the face of his reluctance, and now it was her choice to direct the rest of her ability to care toward herself, and someday, another man.

“Ladies, I am simply open to the possibility, should it present itself. When John came into my life, I closed my heart to any others. That was before I even loved him, but I can’t continue to do that for another year. It’s clear he isn’t ready to even consider me and unclear if he ever will be. Plus, one of the things I love most about him is his sense of honor, but I will not use that to trap him. If he thinks I am pining away for him and that he encouraged me, then his honor will draw him back, because he will feel guilty that I haven’t moved on.”

Gus paused to scroll the comments again. They were furiously posting—a mix of how can you even think it, to good for you, and everything in between. She needed to explain why she was making her choice, which required a bit more disclosure. This group was all about honesty, thrived on it.

“Okay, ladies, let me explain a little more. I am only going to go into as much detail that is needed to help you understand where I am operating from. You deserve my experience since you all share yours freely. I should have explained all this the other day, but my heart wasn’t ready to discuss it.” Gus steadied herself with a deep, cleansing breath.

“During dinner, I could feel John shutting down, not because he wasn’t interested, but because he was making a choice to put distance between us. I watched his internal struggle play out like a black and white movie in every blink of his eyes and twitch of his jaw. He has made a choice not to be open to a relationship with me. When we got ready to leave, he dropped the mother of all friend-zone bombs, the ‘we need to talk’ nuclear warhead.” Gus became more animated as her anger overwhelmed her hurt—air quotes and flailing arms.

“I told him I understood but wanted to shove the talk until later. I felt my anger rise and my pain flow. I decided to savor every second left of the night then give him his freedom. Then, in the foyer, we became…intimate.” The blush was so intense, Gus didn’t need to see herself on the computer screen to know she has turned a shade of crimson. The questions flying up the screen didn’t help, but she refused to detail it for the group. It was bad enough she was kissing and telling, she would not give a play-by-play.

“We did not have sex, and I will not tell you what base he made it to. What I will say is when it was…over, the look on his face shredded my very soul. A mix of regret, shame, and self-recrimination, just to name a few, troubled his strong, chiseled features. It hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced. Not just because it embarrassed me and cut me as a woman, but because I had inadvertently caused that strong, beautiful man to dislike himself. That, I cannot deal with.”

An insistent doorbell followed by rapid-fire knocking interrupted her. Good thing too, because she was drowning in emotions.

“I didn’t realize we ran so long. I know you have a million more question, but my baby sis is at the door. I’ll hop on later and answer any new questions y’all post. For now, much love to you all and remember, you are stronger than you think. Gotta run.”

January got delayed, but she was finally here. Gus was ecstatic. She signed off, ended the live feed, and shouted at the front door, “Hold your horses, January Snow.” Making her way to the door, she waited for the expected reply.

“Wild horses can’t be held for long. They are untamed and free, just like we should be.” Contradictory emotions warred in Gus’ heart. On one side, she was happy to hear her sister mimicking the answer Gus always delivered to their mother when she tried to rein them in. The other side of the battlefield was occupied by guilt. Jan wasn’t free, Gus had left her little sister in the dust when she threw off her saddle and broke free from her parents’ bridle.

It mattered not that Gus had tried, for years, to fit into that cage her parents gilded for her, to spare Jan the pain of being groomed. Gus couldn’t do it anymore. One day, when she looked in the mirror and realized she lost herself, she bolted, leaving January the only one for her parents to focus on. At the time, Augusta didn’t think about that, didn’t think about anything but finding the true her and holding on tight.

It worked. She had a wonderful life of her own design here, but at what costs to Jan? I’ll never forgive myself for leaving her, especially if anyone other than Jan is controlling her destiny.

Gus opened the door to see the most stunning woman she’d ever laid eyes on. From the day she saw her in her hospital bassinette, Gus had thought there wasn’t a more beautiful person created. Looking at the svelte, blonde knockout standing on her porch, hand poised to rap on the door again, just confirmed it. Her little sister was breathtaking.

“Oh, my God, Gus, look at you. You are glowing. Pregnancy becomes you. You are freaking hot.” The words coming from her sister meant more than if from anyone else.

January dropped her bags, and they shared a much-needed embrace. Gus didn’t realize how much until Jan’s lithe arms held her with a strength that didn’t seem possible for such a petite young woman. The tears flowed freely from both sisters. It was a good five minutes before each one took on the role of caretaker and began wiping away the other’s drops of sadness and joy, laugh-crying while they did it.

Once more, they embraced…and cried. Finally, when they made their way to the couch, they sat leaning against each other and enjoyed the silence; it spoke volumes. Apologies for transgressions both perceived and real. Words of love and longing for each other’s company. The silence also spoke of both Gus and Jan’s pain. There was so much radiating from both, it made the air thick and hard to breathe. Gus knew she would still voice her apologies to her sister; she needed to. But it was obvious in the void of words between them that Jan had already forgiven her.

But I haven’t forgiven myself.

“So, little sister, why am I the last to hear you’re engaged?” Gus grabbed her sister’s hand with the ring on it. Jan snatched her appendage back, struggled to remove the ring, and then shoved it in her pocket.

“It’s not what you think, Gus, and I would rather drop the whole thing, if that’s okay with you. Besides,” Jan tucked her feet under her and turned toward her big sister and grabbed both her hands, “I’m here for you, not to talk about my shitstorm of a life.”

“Language.”

“I’m an adult; I curse; get over it. Sooooo, tell me what’s up, especially with the silver fox.”

“How do you…oh, the videos. Well, there’s nothing to tell, Jan. I fell too hard and too deep, which is my M.O. and well, he didn’t. The end.” Needing to sever the physical connection with Jan, Gus rose and headed toward the kitchen. She would break down and start blubbering about love and her dreams with John and never have the backbone to back off like she needed to do—for her sake and his.

Of course, Jan followed. Gus was furiously making sandwiches when Jan stepped up and took the knife from her before she hurt herself, and just hugged her again. No more questions or judgement, just love and acceptance. Exactly what she needed.

“Oh Jan, I’ve got to let it go, I mean I have to, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“Please, lady, you are strong. You broke away from our parents; this will be a cake walk,” Jan whispered through her hair. Gus ignored the statement. She wasn’t ready to deal with that just yet. There was too much on her plate at present to take a bite of that casserole.

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