Page 12 of Irrevocably Mine

Gus continued yucking it up and wiping tears from her eyes in an effort to contain her amusement.

“Seriously, lady, you’re going to launch that kid across the room already if you don’t dial it back a notch. What’s so fucking hilarious, anyway?” By now, Stacy was laughing too, but she didn’t have an inkling why.

“Oh, my God,” Gus panted out between fits of laughter. She was practically doubled over. “You…filter…bwahahaha. Filter doesn’t…” Gus finally made eye contact and she must have seen something on Stacy’s face that sobered her instantly. “Wait, you weren’t joking?” Her laughter returned with a vengeance and now Stacy was really clueless, and Gus was practically hyperventilating from her amusement.

“Joking about what?” Even without a clue why, Stacy was laughing pretty hard now, too. Maybe it was because Gus surrendered herself to her amusement—just surrendered herself to the moment, loving life—or maybe because Stacy needed this. Either way, she was in it now, might as well go for broke. The laughter was already lightening her emotional burden. Why not unload it all? Would she even recognize the feeling of being out from under the crushing weight of controlled emotions when it happened?

“Oh, my God, that’s rich. That makes it one hundred times more hilarious.”

“What?”

“You actually think you have a filter at all.” With that, Gus regressed to her previous state of oxygen-deprivation level laughter, and Stacy did, too. Because for the most part, Gus was correct. Stacy didn’t have a filter, flustered or otherwise, she just lacked one completely.

Once the laughter had receded to a light chuckle and the tears of amusement were drying, Stacy put her hand on Gus’ thigh. “Talk to me about John.” Stacy wanted, almost needed, to talk about Dax, but this…stuff, was overwhelming and she had to take it slow.

Gus looked her in the eye and said words that would bond them together tighter than Stacy ever thought possible. “I’m in love with your brother. Pretty much have been since that day last winter when we had that freak snow and I slid my crossover off the road and hit the feral cat. I don’t know why I called him, maybe because he was closer or maybe because my heart knew something I didn’t, but either way, he showed up in no time. I was a blubbering mess over the cat. It was mangy and wild and probably better off dead, but you know me. That’s not something I can live with.”

Stacy grabbed Gus’ hand and caged it in hers, feeling a sisterhood she’d never felt with another. “Ha, I remember the story and the scratches. He held it for the twenty-mile ride to the emergency clinic, hissing and clawing all the way there.”

“Yep.” Gus got gooey-eyed. “He was bleeding like crazy, too, in his new car, no less. I don’t even think he’d made the first payment. Boy, that cat was a terror in the car, scared and hurt, but John held on to him the whole way so he wouldn’t hurt me. His allergy be damned.”

The subject of their conversation slinked across the living room en route to the kitchen, probably to steal some pizza and terrorize Lynyrd. Lynyrd was the sweetest, most laid-back cat Stacy had ever seen. She liked him, and she was most definitely not a cat person. Gus said she named him that because he had the best purr, and she could listen to him all day long. Stacy wasn’t surprised when Gus had named the feral beast who had assaulted John, Skynyrd.

“I’m going to tell you something that totally isn’t my place to tell, but I feel you need to know. I think John is in deep with you too, but he’s in serious denial. Why else would he hold a fucking pissed-off alley cat unless he thought it would endear himself to you?”

Stacy paused. Unsure of how much she should say, but she couldn’t leave it there.

“It wasn’t love at first sight with him, or maybe it was, but he claims it’s just lust. John is a very methodical man. He doesn’t dive into things without analyzing them, making a spreadsheet, and calculating risks. He’s not the free spirit you are, which makes you two perfect for each other. So, my advice is to keep doing you, Pixie, keep him interested and do what you can to push him into action. He craves that balance, and I think you would be good for him and vice versa.” Stacy rose, pretending to seek out a cat. She was stalling, and not very well. She hated cats, always had. Returning to the sofa, she continued.

“However, he will pine away while calling it something else rather than approach you. You will need to spell it out for him. Let him know what you’re feeling, explain everything about the pregnancy and then let him in.” Tongue in cheek, Stacy added, “To your heart and your pants. But if you’re not in one hundred percent once you guys go at it a few times, please let him go. Once he admits to feeling or feels more, he won’t let go, and it will slowly destroy the very essence of who he is to be in it all the way with a woman that’s in it only a fraction.”

Stacy didn’t mean it to sound threatening, but it kind of did—no direct threat but the implication hung in the air, coiling around them both.

“That’s good to hear. I don’t want to be in a half-baked relationship and I’m the type that just kind of knows. With John, I just know, if he’s in it, then so am I.” Dropping her gaze and hand to her barely-there baby bump, Gus’ tone went from hopeful to defeated, “But this little surprise might be too much for him to overlook. I wanted to tell him, Stacy, I honestly did. You, too. I think keeping it from you was harder than him. In a way, I just believed that he would understand, in time, but I was afraid I pushed you too far.”

Gus put on her game face and looked Stacy right in the eye. “I see what you did there, deflecting the conversation, counselor. Enough about John and me, I think that is a conversation that can be put on hold, but Dax cannot. So, spill. When will you be ready to have little, bearded babies.” Gus giggled, but it was tinged with sadness. “You know that’s what he wants, right? He’s like me in that aspect, when he knows, he knows. However, he is also a man of action. He probably tossed his heart at you when he threw your legs up, or even before.”

“Oh my, you make it sound so…junior prom. But, that’s kind of what I wanted to chat with you about. I believe he did throw his heart out there. He didn’t say it, but I got that impression. It was in the way he touched me. The problem is, as much as I want to be that way with him, I’m broken. There is something fundamentally wrong with me and I just don’t know if I can be what he wants me to be for him. What he would need me to be.”

Gus seemed to take offense to what she said. Her body tensed and she dropped her feet to the floor. “First off, bullshit. Youcanbe anything and everything for him or for yourself, or anyone else. Secondly, he doesn’t want you to be anything other than his. He knows you and would never want to change you. You’re the one holding back. As long as you give him yourself, warts and all, it will be exactly what he needs.”

“I get that, because, I am kinda fucking awesome.” The laugh rang hollow and Stacy spoke to the heart of the matter before she chickened out, “But what if I can’t get over all the shit from the past? What if I never want him to take my top off? What if I never want him to tangle those big, caring hands in my hair? I used to love that, you know, having a man’s hands tangled in my hair, pulling just enough to point me in the direction for the perfect kiss. Now? Well, Hank stole that joy from me, along with others.” Stacy dashed her cheeks with her palm. “What the fuck lady, you need to dust this place. My eyes are watering and shit.”

Lie.They both knew it was but Stacy was too vulnerable to admit it and Gus was too sweet to point it out. “Yeah, it’s been a while. I went from clean freak to slob in the first month.” Gus rose and headed to the kitchen, scooping up their dinner remnants as she went. Whether by design or happenstance, Stacy was grateful to not have that close contact right now. She was too raw, too exposed. There was a good chance the guru pixie knew that and that’s why she left and spoke from the kitchen.

“Ah, there it is.” Gus mumbled to herself and puttered around the kitchen, then louder, she spoke toward Stacy, “You know, we all have fears and baggage. Some just hold tighter than others, but if you think Dax is Samsonite free, you’re sadly mistaken, but that’s beside the point. It comes down to you. Do you want things to be different or not? If the answer is not, then carry on. No need to upset your routine, have sex with whomever you want, whenever you want and live your life. There is nothing wrong with that, regardless of what society says. If that makes you happy, then go for it.”

Bomb drop in 3, 2…,Stacy counted in her head.

“However,”Ah-ha, nailed it,“if you want more, you have to be open to it. Admit to yourself you want it. Again, there is nothing wrong with that if it’s what you truly want. But, you do have to act accordingly.” Gus returned to the living room with something she hadn’t expected.

“Calm your tit, is that what I think it is?” Before Gus could even answer, Stacy claimed a plate, had a bite in her mouth and was moaning like a mad woman.

“Yep, Mrs. Reid’s famous southern pecan pie. Ever since the announcement, I have had my refrigerator stocked. Everyone seems to be a part of this pregnancy and that just means wonderful things when he or she makes their debut. The term ‘spoiled rotten’ will not be sufficient enough to convey the state of things.”

They sat in companionable silence, enjoying the unofficial state dessert of Florida. Stacy opened her mouth to speak, instead of shoveling in more calories, but Gus cut her off.

“You do not need to confide in me now, unless you feel compelled to on a deeper level. I will be here, if and when, that time comes, but you do need to at least give Dax the cliff notes version. He can’t avoid the landmines if he doesn’t know where they’re buried. After that, you will have all the info you need to make the decision to pursue a relationship or not. But, I ask the same of you that you asked of me, if you can’t be all in, or at least trying to be, then please, let him go. He means a lot to me, hell, all y’all do.”

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