Page 18 of Code Trauma

“It was bad. So, then it was just my brother and Mom and me. Mom had to pick up another job, and I had to quit football and start working. It was a horrible, horrible season of life, and I spiraled real fast into a very dark hole. I suffered a debilitating bout of depression for about a year.”

Her eyes were narrow, studying him. But not judging. They held sorrow and compassion and a love that nearly took his breath away. A love that he certainly didn’t deserve.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me this before?”

“Because it’s ugly. It’s not who I am. Not who I wanted to be. And I didn’t want you to think it was.”

A tear hovered on her lashes, and when she blinked, it rolled down her cheek. Andy lifted a thumb to brush it away.

“And you were afraid I’d judge you?” she asked. “Think bad of you? Break up with you?”

He nodded. A slow dip of his head. “I don’t know that I ever consciously thought that, but yes. I think, deep down, I was afraid if you saw me in the depths of grief—and yes, depression—you would walk away.”

“But ... why?”

He ran a hand over his face. “Probably because of Sharon, the girl I was dating when my dad left. She couldn’t handle it. Didn’t even want to. So, she left, too.”

She blinked and her face stilled into a neutral expression he couldn’t read. “And you thought I would be like this Sharon girl? Like ateenagerwho couldn’t deal with your pain?” She pulled her hand from his and pinched the bridge of her nose, then swiped the tears from under her eyes.

“It sounds stupid when you say it like that.” And it did.

“Like what, Andy? You compared our love, our commitment to one another, to some teenage puppy-love thing?” She shook her head. “I’m not saying that wasn’t a traumatic experience, and I’m not belittling the pain I know that caused you, but I thought we had something that went deeper than?—”

“We do, Holly, we do!” He kept his voice low but hoped she could feel the intensity behind the words. “I love you.”

“And I love you, too, Andy.” Tears welled in her eyes, and she looked away to breathe deeply. When she met his gaze once more, the tears were gone. “I honestly don’t know what to think, but I’ve got to get back to work.” She slid out of the booth and looked down at him. “I’m not walking away from you, from us. But I do need to process, to think.”

“Holly—”

“Please, Andy, give me this time.”

He’d blown it. He curled his fingers into fists on the table, but nodded. “All right.”

She turned and walked away. He could only pray it wasn’t forever.

6

Holly returned to base, her thoughts whirling, emotions sucker-punched once more. How many more hits could her heart take?

She opened the refrigerator and found a bottle of water.

Penny walked out of the bedroom, phone pressed to her ear. “I love you, too. Bye.”

The words cut like shards of glass through Holly, and she had to work to keep the pain off her face even while she silently berated her reaction. She couldn’t flinch every time she was around a happy couple.

“Can you toss me one of those waters?” Penny asked.

“Sure.” Holly handed her the one she’d just retrieved and got herself another one while Penny took a seat on the couch in the living area.

“Any luck on figuring out who’s out to get you?” Penny asked.

“No. I thought it was that creepy Dr. Mann, but they questioned him and it turns out it wasn’t.”

“Wow.”

“I know.”

“And now, feel free to spill the details on the status of you and Andy.”

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