Page 21 of Eight Naughty Notes

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Code Blue 13D 121B. Code Blue 13D 121B.

That was Jordan’s room.

“Oh no.”

Christian and I both hurried out from under the tangled covers where we’d been sleeping after a quick hot romp in the bed and rushed to slip back into our scrubs. We both were on call tonight and decided to hide out in one of the residents’ quarters and lock the door, so we’d be uninterrupted. Hearing a code called for Jordan’s room was the last thing I had been expecting given she was doing so well in her recovery. I’d visited her every day since she woke up from her surgery and we started talking about the Gala that would be taking place at the hospital in a few days. She wasn’t well enough to attend in person but she would be streamed from her room with the help of the nurses so she could talk about how the foundation had helped her and her mother with getting her life-saving surgery.

As Christian and I ran to the stairs to make it to the ICU without having to wait for the elevators, I thought about how she needed to make it. Not just for that milestone but for all the milestones, events, and just … life that was ahead for her.

“Christian, this can’t be happening.”

“Tori, let’s see what’s going on first. Jordan has been strong through this entire process. Let’s give her a chance.”

I tuned out his words as I rounded the corner to the pediatric ICU and stopped outside of her room. The commotion inside nearly stopped my own heart. There were two nurses taking orders from the residents working to bring back Jordan. Her mother wasn’t there, having gone home for the first night in over three weeks. I was almost happy about that because she didn’t need to see this. I hated seeing it and Jordan wasn’t even my child. But seeing someone push down onto a chest so fragile and young broke me into two.

Christian rushed past me, and almost as if life moved at slow motion, I watched as he took over compressions to allow one of the residents to take a break. The other continued to bag so that Jordan’s brain would continue to receive oxygen. The code seemed to go on forever and after several rounds of meds had been administered with a hope to restart her heart, the code slowed down to a crawl and stopped. I watched in horror as they all stopped acting, stopped trying, and cacophony of beeps turned to that one single drawn out beep that only told me one thing.

I glanced at the monitor, hoping all my other senses were deceiving me because I couldn’t believe it. Jordan’s body lay motionless on top of the bed, her little brown body too frail to put up the fight of death. I felt defeated and wondered how I’d survive this loss. It felt to be too much, and I couldn’t be sure I could remain in this profession when things had grown this heavy for me. I wasn’t the only one affected. The staff that worked the code looked lost, and Christian’s head hung low as if he couldn’t face reality either. When he finally decided to look up at me, his heartbreak was apparent, and unshed tears stood in his eyes. I wanted to go to him as much as I wanted to run away from him. He is who dared me to believe in the hope that Jordan would make it through this. Jordan would still be ali—

Beep … beep … beep

We all watched as Jordan’s heart rhythm started up again on the monitor.

I let out a cry as if she were my child who received another chance. I let out a cry of victory I wished I could have let out three years ago when Christian and I lost our patient, Douglass. When that little boy died, I decided that my own love life got in the way because instead of being at the hospital making sure his recovery went well, Christian and I decided to go back to his apartment to celebrate and amid our lovemaking, our pagers went off. We hurried to get dressed and made the ten-minute drive back to the hospital, ran in the building and up ten flights of stairs to the room where eight-year-old Douglass lay fighting for his life, but he lost that fight that night. That moment taught me that I had little control over whether they lived or died, but I needed to be dedicated to helping them live.

I’m not sure how long I stayed with Jordan; I just know that the sun rose, and I remained. Christian had to leave to complete reports related to Jordan’s code, but I stayed with her until her mother was able to make it in to take over holding her hand. Jordan was being sedated so we were unable to see her eyes open giving us reassurance that her heart stopping hadn’t caused any permanent damage. We’d have to wait for that but for now both her mother and I were happy she was alive.

I saw the time on the wall clock and was reminded that in less than an hour, I’d be seeing my patients, even though I wished I could stay here long enough to see Jordan wake up. With great hesitation, I rose out of my chair, just as Ms. Davies stood with a stretch. I waited for her to walk over to me. The little dark skin woman with kind eyes had been in this fight for as long as Jordan had. Looking at her reminded me of how caregivers were often overlooked when it came to patients’ troubles. They were there every step, and there was no medicine to cure the ache they sometimes felt watching someone they love disintegrate.

“I feel as if I don’t say this enough, but I don’t know what Jordan and I would do without you, Dr. Clark. You are our angel.”

“It’s been a pleasure to be here for you and Jordan. I’m blessed by seeing the miracle of Jordan. I know she’s going to be okay.”

“I know that too. That’s why I’m going to say this to you before you leave to see your other patients.”

She got up from her chair beside Jordan and walked over to me, taking my hands in hers.

“I know that you and Dr. Powers are a couple. Don’t worry. I’ll keep it a secret,” she said when I was about to interject. I didn’t even know what I’d say, honestly. If she knew, everyone knew, just like Stephanie had said.

“I just want you to know that we’ve been coming to see you for years you’ve never looked as happy as you’ve been looking lately.”

“I’m not sure what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. You just have to live and love. I had that once. A life, a love. But Jordan’s dad died young, and she needed me to dedicate everything to her. I find small joys outside of my baby girl whenever I can get it, so don’t feel bad for me, Dr. Clark. I’m blessed. Jordan is blessed as well.” She looked over at a resting Jordan and the love I saw reflected touched my heart

“No more using your patients, or this hospital, as a reason to hold you back, you hear? God has everything in His hands, even you, Dr. Clark. And if He wants our babies to live, they will, and if He wants you to find love, you betta take it.”

Her words spurred me into action. It was usually him coming to me, but Ms. Davies wisdom had me reflecting on many things at once and when I came to an undeniable conclusion, I knew I needed to see him. I loved Christian, and I needed him in my life. I’d done more self-care than I had done in ages, all because of his doctor’s notes. He forced me to take time to breathe when I could while reminding me that there were more bright moments in this job than sad ones. I had become too bogged down to recognize it before he came back to me, but now that he was here, I’d be a fool to send that kind of love away.

I found him in his office tapping around on his tablet. When I stepped inside the small, cluttered space, he looked up. His eyes still reflected how emotional he had been. Taking account of it now, I understood that Jordan had touched his heart as well. Losing her would have pained us both.

I looked around his space. Seeing all the boxes stacked near a disorganized small bookshelf and piles of papers in the only other chair in his office made me shake my head. “When are you going to move in?”

“I wasn’t sure I had solidified my position here to do that.” He watched me. I took a couple more steps in his office—close enough to reach out and touch him if I wanted.

“I think you have. You can ask anyone, even Jessica Mendez. I’m sure she’ll say you should stay.”

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