Page 2 of Eight Naughty Notes

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TORI

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help you put these things away?”

“Absolutely not, my sister. You’re my guest today, remember? Besides, you’ve been on your feet all day at the hospital. Now sit back and relax. Salik and I have got this.”

The tall milk chocolate, almost too good-looking man seated across from me, gave Carina a lazy smile before he unfolded himself up off the couch and followed my sister into the back to “help her put things away.” Hearing their soft voices as they headed down the hallway made the inside of my chest lurch in a way that confirmed that the heart did, in fact, ache when it hurt. The intimacy apparent between them was so visceral that I felt like an interloper. As if I was looking in on something I had no business looking in on. All night, those two shared looks and brushes against each other, and I know the point was for me to meet Salik for the first time, but I was not prepared to see just how deeply my sister had fallen in love with him. It made me want to leave because I did not have what they had.

Alright, I’ve got something to say, and it might make some women mad that I’m admitting this but, there will likely come a time when all the accolades, all the money, maybe even the occasional way over the top vacation won’t be enough. The shoes, the bags, the trips, the looking good, the nice ass from working out, even the wonderful facials from Max at Massage Envy. It won’t be enough. You’re going to want a man. I know some of you are thinking I’m lying, but truly dig deep within and think about those nights when you’re alone with your BOB and the vibration against your clit finally got you feeling things. Where does your mind drift to? A man. He’s either past, present, or someone you conjure up in your future. But he’s there. You lie to yourself and say you really only want his body, his dick, his warmth. But let’s also reflect on what you’re thinking after the vibrator serves its purpose and that warm cuddly feeling takes over, and you’re drifting off to sleep in the bed … alone. You want someone there, don’t you? Maybe not every single night for some of you but yeah, you want someone to hold you, or someone you can press yourself against and feel the hardness of their body provide stability for your softness. Someone who smells good and makes you laugh and smiles at you for just being you. Someone you can call on a bad day when your girlfriend isn’t the voice you want to hear. It’s okay to admit this here, because I surely am. I have done all those things I mentioned earlier and more. I am one of the leading Pediatricians in this region and I’m lonely.

I have sporadic moments where I feel the weight of loneliness, but it wasn’t until tonight at Carina’s house that I really had the opportunity to reflect on why. Seeing my baby sister up close and personal with her boo, Salik, didn’t make me feel green with envy. It was the opposite, really. I was happy for her because if anyone was deserving of the type of love she found with that fine-ass man, it was her. So it wasn’t envy that I felt, it was loneliness because when the great time I had over her place surrounded by the laughter came to an end, I knew it would lead to that moment where I’d be leaving to go home to no one. Seeing the two of them bump shoulders and give each other those googly eyes almost made me want to go home to my empty condo just to end the awkward third wheel feeling I had. Even though I knew there wouldn’t be the laughter at home, only my bed and tv and the luxury feel I made sure my decorator displayed when she worked on my place three years ago when I first moved in. But all those nice things that I barely had time to enjoy, would be waiting for me and it wouldn’t be enough. It would not replace the loneliness beyond the temporary escape. But I shored up the courage to leave my sister and her man, when the two of them spent more than an appropriate time in the kitchen “putting things way.”

“I’m going to head out you guys.”

I heard scurrying and giggles before a disheveled looking Carina came out into the hallway just as I was slipping on my jacket. I looked away as she straightened her blue jean skirt and approached me. Grabbing my purse from the foyer table, I unzipped it and pulled out my car keys, all of this giving me enough time to push down my emotions so she couldn’t read them on my face. I turned to find her watching me.

“Didn’t think you’d be leaving so soon.”

Her voice expressed her disappointment over me leaving so soon because the two of us had been trying to find sister time to spend together where I’d get to really meet Salik and give my approval, but my schedule hadn’t allowed it until now. He had already met Mama and she loved him and gushed over how she would be having cocoa brown babies soon enough “the way those two look at each other” and honestly, that was also part of me not squeezing in time for this gathering—knowing what I’d see and how it would make me feel before it even happened. But I couldn’t hide forever, so I eventually called Carina up and arranged a time good for the both of them and she expressed how happy she was to know her sister would get a chance to meet her man and also spend time eating some of the new recipes she’d been hoping to try out. So I knew her disappointment came from a sincere place and that made me nearly caved in and take my coat back off until I saw Salik appear behind he looking more relaxed than he had moments earlier. On second thought. No, I wasn’t going to remain the third wheel tonight. Not when I had some tv I could catch up on even if I’d probably fall asleep watching it which is what I was likely to do. I worked so many hours that TV was as luxurious as a vacation, and I desperately needed one of those, but I made a commitment to my children and even when not on call, my mind always drifted to them.

They are what made me feel valued in this world and I was woman enough to admit that to myself. Having spent so much of my adulthood running up and down white corridors and drifting into cold rooms, only made warm by innocent spirits looking for healing, was better than having no one at all to care for. This is what I told myself day in and day out when I either came back to my empty condo, or when I stayed in the residents’ quarters when on call. I told myself whatever I needed to make the life I was living a more peaceful experience for me. However, even as I made it home, and sent a text to Carina letting her know I had made it home safely, I saw smooth dark skin, and straight white teeth, sexy bedroom eyes, and heard his lazy laughter. I remembered Christian. The only man I had ever loved.

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