Page 15 of Eight Naughty Notes

9

TORI

“Ithink there may be a way for the surgeons to perform the procedure safely and my unit provide the appropriate aftercare to support Jordan and her healing heart afterward.”

Christian had stopped by to see me when I finished seeing patients for the day. He would be remaining at the hospital for another few hours due to some high-risk cases he needed to monitor before transitioning care to the attending on call. Christian brought me a cup of tea while he sipped on coffee. Nasty coffee apparently based on his exaggerated wince after the first sip. I held my laughter because I was too excited about the hope for a surgery for Jordan.

“Seriously?”

“Yes, I did some research and found a case study that I’ve already shared with Dr. McDonell.”

I perked up at his words but what he said next made me less hopeful.

“The surgery was a success, but the pediatric patient survived less than seventy-two hours after surgery. He developed edema and sepsis and the cocktail of antibiotics weren’t enough to stop it from shutting his organs down.”

I looked away from his watchful eyes.

“I will make sure we avoid those complications because I’ll be looking for them, Tori. Dr. McDonnell should be talking to Jordan’s mom now. It looks like they’ll be able to move her to the schedule tomorrow.”

Taking a deep breath, I admitted something out loud to him, “Does it ever seem hopeless to you?”

His eyes turned worried. I fidgeted under his scrutiny and was torn between wanting him to hold me and sooth me and wanting to run out of my own office. That was more than about sex. That was about love. His nearness seemed to pull me in closer to whatever still lie latent between us, and that was the last thing I felt I needed, the deeper part of me that had been lonely and desired to have a partner in life that would understand the pressures of my job, the sacrifices I had to make, and still love me, that desire seemed stronger. I told myself that is why I allowed his large palm to reach out and cup my cheek and that is why for the first time with someone else I allowed myself a moment to be vulnerable and let it out. A tear escaped my eye and he wiped it away with the pad of his finger. He didn’t try to do more, he didn’t intrude upon this moment, probably knowing how rare it was, because he still knew me. Instead, he took my hands in his and admitted in a quiet tone, “Sometimes yes, it feels that way when I’m hopeful this will turn around because of medical advancements and my ability to give them the post-surgical support they need. Sometimes even with all the care they get, and sometimes because they don’t get the care they need because, let’s face it, in this country, not having the right insurance can eliminate a person from getting the lifesaving care they need. But even when there is hope, sometimes they still die under my care. I am the last person that tried to help them, and I failed.”

I just looked at him. While he wasn’t visibly upset as I was, it was still evident he felt the injustice of it all and I no longer felt alone. Not that I should have when just about everyone in this building understood that everyday a child died here, but I never revealed my struggle with those people. I chose Christian, the man I once loved and pushed away. The man I was falling back in love with.

“Jordan, I want you to try something for me.”

“What’s that, Dr. Clark?”

“Close your eyes for me.” I watched as her dark brown eyelids shut tight and she smiled with suspense. I looked over at her mother whose expression was a mix between fascination and worry since her daughter was finally getting the surgery she needed. The high-risk surgery that no one wanted to take as of a few days ago, was finally approved by Dr. McDonnell who after reviewing studies and protocols introduced by Christian, decided to give it a shot. Ms. Davies was absolutely torn between wanting her baby girl to go through with the surgery and just letting her live out the rest of her days in a hospital, but Jordan pleaded with her mom to give her a chance at life. Tears filled the eyes of both Jordan’s mom and mine, and Christian who came along to answer post-care ICU questions provided reassurance as Dr. McDonnell went over what would happen during the surgery and the risks. In the end, Jordan won her argument with her mom and today we’d wait as the procedure to give her a longer chance at life was performed.

“I want you to imagine a beautiful place and envision yourself in that beautiful place. I want you to imagine yourself able to play and run and have a great time.”

She nodded. “Dr. Clark, that sounds like heaven.”

I looked over to her mom whose expression held terror which was the last thing I wanted right before her baby was sent into surgery.

“No not heaven, Jordan. That’s you, here on earth, after this surgery.”

I watched as the medical team responsible for Jordan’s surgery filed into the room to do all her pre-op triage. Each person had a responsibility and spent time watching her vitals, talking to her mom about expectations, and when sharing when a surgeon would provide an update during the halfway mark of Jordan’s procedure. I watched as Jordan took it all in stride. She had been my patient for more than half her young life. I was the doctor that knew something was wrong with her and sent her off to get tests to confirm what I suspected was a heart problem. I had grown attached to her, which I knew would always be my downfall—growing attached to my patients?but they trusted me, and that trust meant something more to me than just some routine service.

“The surgery will be a success.”

I looked over to find Christian standing there. That he would be here now, when I’m sure he had a ton of things to manage in the ICU where Jordan would eventually be sent to, meant more to me than he could have imagined.

“I believe that because I have to.”

“And believe it because it’s true.”

“Is that another one of your … prescriptions?”

He grinned. “No, but that reminds me. It’s time for another one. I’ll give it to you after you find out the surgery was a success.”

He didn’t give me a chance to respond before he walked away from the unit. As much as I anticipated learning what the next order would be, I was much more concerned with Jordan. The remainder of the day felt agonizing as I waited to receive updates. I tracked her surgery every chance I got to sneak out to look at the digital boards, but because I was seeing patients today, most of my focus had to be on them. When my last patient had gone and I entered the last of my critical notes, I ran to the surgical wing to see if Jordan’s mom was still there. I arrived in the waiting room just as Dr. McDonnell walked in with a few of his surgical residents. They looked tired after the eight-hour surgery but even before he opened his mouth to say it, I knew the surgery had been a success.

“Jordan is a remarkable little girl. She pulled through the surgery with no major challenges. There was a small loss of blood but there was no need to perform a transfusion. However, it’ll mean she might be a bit weaker than we originally hoped for. That’ll abate within the next forty-eight hours which is our timeline for feeling like we’re out of the high-risk complication woods.”

Jordan’s mom reached out to hug me as Dr. McDonnell ran through a few more details related to her daughter’s recovery.

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