Page 11 of Eight Naughty Notes

I wanted to avoid calling Carina because I knew what would come of that call. My sister and I didn’t lie to each other, so the conversation would naturally veer towards the other night when I left after the kitchen incident, and I would have to admit to her that me leaving had little to do with her and Salik enjoying each other.

They were doing what two people in love are supposed to do. The problem wasn’t them—it was me. I wanted love. Gosh, just admitting that to myself was bigger than almost anything I’ve admitted lately. Being honest with myself about what my true desires were was not something that I often allow myself to experience. Part of that is me constantly working, me constantly caring for others, and worrying about their health and their welfare. This job did not allow me to think about myself too much. This job did not allow me to want too much either, because everyone else mattered more. That’s what doctors did?we cared about other people so that they can live a life, while we sometimes didn’t have one.

The reminder that at least I had Mama and Carina and Yusef assailed me. And it was that reminder that made me dial her up. She sounded like she was outside.

“Sorry, Sis. I’m sure you can hear how windy it is out here.”

“I sure can. You want me to call you back at another time?”

“Hell no. I know how spotty the contact can be unless you’re not on call, so we’ll make this work. I’m headed back to my car right now.”

“What are you out there doing anyway?”

“Shopping. Christmas shopping. I was trying to find this drill set Salik mentioned he wanted so he can help me do some of the work around the house. I found all those drill bits and shit that goes with the damn thing already. I bought those online—but the drill remains ever elusive.”

I chuckled at her dramatics.

“I’m sure you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for.”

“What about you?”

I could hear a beep as if she unlocked her car and it was confirmed when the wind hushed, and I heard the car door shut. The music from her speakers blasted for a moment as she turned her car on, probably for some heat. Jazmine Sullivan bellowed out heartbreak as only she could and I wondered for a split second, if pain always made the best singers out of us. It sure seemed as if it did. As it quieted in Carina’s car, I thought about how to respond to what she was really asking me.

“You know how I feel about love and all that jazz.”

“I know what you say, but how you feel seems to be entirely different. I saw the way you looked at Salik and me.”

“You mean because y’all were in the kitchen being nasty?”

“Ain’t nothing nasty about what we were doing, big sister.”

“Ugh. And to think I ate food that came off the countertop and the table too. Eeek.”

“We make sure to bleach everything down before we serve the food.”

“Please just stop.”

Her laughter was too damn loud for me not to have had sex in almost a year.

“You just need to get you some and you won’t be the least bit disgusted.”

I was quiet because what could I say. My thoughts drifted to Christian. Big dick, know what to do with it, Christian. Inevitably, I began wondering what was the worst that would happen if I just gave in.

“Maybe you’re right.”

I heard Carina gasp before saying in a mocked tone, “Hell must have frozen the fuck over because I am right for once.”

“Hush it.”

“Only if you tell me who has you thinking all nostalgic and shit.”

I didn’t even hesitate to share the truth. “Christian is back.”

“Christian, Christian? Not like the religion.”

“Stop it.”

“Just making sure with-it being Christmas time and all.”

“Christian, Christian. My Christian.”

“Well damn.”

“What?”

“Sounds to me like you have a man already, Sis. Your Christian is back in Pittsburgh like he’s a gift and you need to accept it.”

I sighed while she chuckled.

“Be a ho ho ho … this Christmas, Tori.”

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